Who's in my corner?

I started driving at 14 yrs old (scary)....in my teens and twentys I ONLY listened to music in the car....in my thirties I alternated between music and talk radio.....and now....in my forties....I occasionally drive in complete silence.

oh....I can still 'jam' from time to time (although my teen sons are horrified if I'm singing or bouncing along with a song at a red light....someone might see me...and THEM!!!)....

and all of it's good....
music
listening to people talk about good stuff
and just quiet

thinking of nothing....
or thinking about all of the important things that I've been too busy to think about lately :)

lots of times, I'm thinking in the car....and I'll think 'this is a great thing to blog about when i get home'....

funny that....more often than not....those thoughts are fleeting
you know....when you wake up after a vivd dreamand ....unless you sit down and with much effort....recall all of the details....and maybe even if you do....by the end of the day it's a vague memory....and perhaps you can't even remember having dreamt at all.

sometimes my brainstorms are like that.

but not always.

and it can be kind of quirky....my thought process.....

recently someone posted on safe harbor and mentioned a gathering that she was planning....her husband said to invite everyone she knew....so she sat down and counted all of the people in her life (that she cared about)....and she mentioned this number.....it was a large number, i thought, of people in her life...people who she cares about...who care about her.

so i started thinking about my own life.
not counting.
i'm too lazy for that...or too busy....or both.

but....thinking about the 'layers' of people in my life.

of course there are acquaintances.....
but
friends
even friends come in many flavors.
i mean
i have some friends that i've known for more years than i'd like to admit :)

i have some friends that i haven't really known for very long at all....but i consider them close friends just the same.

i have some friends that i have never actually met face to face (thanks to the internet)....that I truly truly care for.....and I know they feel the same about me.

Anyway,

I was thinking about.....

who loves me.

i mean

if i needed something.

if my heart was broken

or....some hardship had befallen me.....

or i just needed to cry to someone....

or advice....

who could i call?

who would care?

or

if i were really really in need

i mean REALLY in need.

who?

and....

honestly, I can think of lots of people.

you know

when my mom died....that was (although i wasn't fully aware of it)... an enormous source of my pain.....the fact that i no longer had unconditional love.

i mean

that woman

she was there the day i was born

and she thought i was the most beautiful thing ever to be born :)

and while we had some rough times (during my OWN teen years).... she was always there.

always
no matter what.

for many years after her death I did not grieve her (properly)....so anytime i thought or spoke of her my eyes would water.

one day....a friend of mine (who never knew my mother)...said to me...'i really don't think it's healthy...the way you still feel so powerfully about the loss of your mom' (she was very close to her father who had passed away years prior....but had dealt with his death 'properly').

i said to her "if your husband comes home tomorrow and says he's leaving....he's in love with someone else....or....if your house burned down.....and you lost your husband and children in the fire....and there's just you.....just you....with no home of your own....where would you go?"

to her mom's.
i made my point.

but she was right......i hadn't dealt with it...and it was unhealthy.

honestly.....

i didn't realize that I was loved unconditionally (by my husband)....until I told him that our money was all gone....and every credit card we had (and we had lots that he didn't know about) was maxed out..... and our bills were late...and...well...i didn't really KNOW what-all we owed.
it was a mess.
i was a mess.
and he was pissed.
but he stayed.
and he let ME stay LOL
and we worked it out......

you know.....even then.....there were other people in my life who loved me.

and now....there are even more.

and i was thinking lots about that.

i mean....yeah....there's aunts and uncles and brothers and my husband...and life long friends....

but i have many NEW friends too.

and I was thinking about why that is....how it came to be.....

I think.....that learning to listen.....to REALLY listen...to really CARE about what's going on with other people.....makes them respond in kind.
I think.....that when you share yourself....confess the things that you are most ashamed of.....really BE who you really ARE with someone....it frees them up to do the same.

I think.....that if we want to HAVE friends....we need to learn how to BE friends.

I think.....I have many faults.....one big one is that I neglect to keep in touch like I should. I think of people I care about far more often than they will ever know.....they should know.

But....I know.....that when I am in need....I have people to call on.....and I know that my friends feel the same way about me....

I'm here when it counts.

knowing this....that I am loved....is an important part of my 'being ok'......

the thing is.....there were lots of people in my corner....even before I was aware of it.

becoming aware of it....makes it a reality FOR ME.

goodnight.

Share your story

Someone left a comment on yesterday's entry.....said that many women don't have the opportunity to share that way either....aside from 'the rooms'.....or maybe I dreamt it? the comment isn't there now....

but I've been thinking about that....

not only that...

but the NEED that we have to tell our stories.....
and how difficult it is to do.

not JUST cg's.
humans.

we all have one.
a story.

and...I think....a need to be known.

but that's scary.
what if I share who I am.....and you laugh...or otherwise reject me?

I think...it's important to tell our stories...to get it out....but it IS important that we choose carefully who we tell what to.

I mentioned that I've gone on other girl's trips...with different groups of women.

There are many women that I would not bare my soul to.

I've found that when someone opens up to ME....I am more free to share who I am.

and visa versa--

a while back...when I was having troubles with my son....some of what was going on was widely known, thanks to gossip.
but
it seemed like it freed others to share their woe's with me.

maybe a part of it was an effort to make me feel better 'you are not alone'....but I think....a bigger part of it was that...they felt that I was a 'safe place' to share....after all...I would understand....I was going thru similar stuff.

Anyway....
sharing our stories is important......and having a safe place to do so is necessary....so...regardless of your sex.....find a safe place to share yours....and if you can't find one...get to a room.

alone is too lonely.

Girls' trip

Last weekend I went to the beach for a 'girls trip'.

I have attended girls' trips in the past with this group of women...and with other groups also.

This particular trip is ten women (myself included)....which makes the trip EXTREMELY affordable.....

we go to the beach.
we take turns cooking meals.
and we drink.

On some of the trips....that's it.
it's all about getting away...no responsibility....no kids "mommy i want" or "mommy i need" "mommy, mommy"
just...for a few days....doing EXACTLY what you want (or.....NOT having to do the things you DON'T wanna do).

or at least....that is what we THINK it's about before we leave home.

these women......
one of them is a very good friend of mine.....from high school.
the rest of them all live in my neighborhood, but i only see them once a year.....maybe we'll run into one another in the grocery....we'll hug....or chit chat for a few minutes 'how're the kids?'...that kind of thing.....but I don't really TALK to the other eight women except for once a year.....on this trip.

but when we're there.....those four days...we share a closeness that hard to put to words.

we say "what happens on girls trip STAYS on girls trip"

but that's not about things that we DO...it's about what we SAY.

the precious moments on this trip are when two or three of us find ourselves alone together........and we share who we are.
and we laugh....
and we cry....
and we encourage one another...
or....we just cry together.

we share secrets.....we share our fears.....we talk about our children and we talk about our own childhoods.

we talk about everything.

Saturday we were on the beach....sitting on those short beach chairs...in a big circle facing one another....listening to music....some of us reading, some napping...and I was looking at these women....thinking about how fortunate we are...to have one another...to have 'this'.

It occurred to me that most men do not.

sure, they have their own thing.....maybe they hunt or fish or play golf together....they let off steam....let go of the stress....

but I'm thinking that most men can't or don't sit with other men.....and talk about what's going on with their spouse, or their children, or their parents...or just within themselves....and cry.

I'm thinking....that the only place I'm aware of that men have to do this is in the rooms of 12 steps.

On Sunday, we all packed up and came home....back to work...to our families....to our lives.....I won't spend time with most of these women until this time next year....when....for a few days....we will just 'be' together.....and know that we are not alone......and we will share our experience, strength and hope.

the housekeeper

A couple of months ago I was at a car wash...something I don't do often enough...but people were coming into town and I might have to drive them around.....so I'm there...and a Hispanic woman shows up and is speaking with the guy who's running the place....... they are speaking in Spanish...after a few moments, the man turns to me and asks if I know anyone who needs a housekeeper.

hmmmmm

I needed help in a bad way.
but the expense....
but....
I was having a really hard time whipping this place back into shape on my own.....and...when ya work all day long and REALLY get lots done....then stand back and can hardly tell a difference....it's discouraging.

so I talked to the woman for a while...she was inquiring for her sister.

we exchanged phone numbers and made arrangements for the following week.
I wasn't sure I could afford it long term...but I could REALLY use the help...at least in the short term.

so it's been a few months now.
she and I were fast friends.

when we met....her family was split up....living with different relatives....they lost their home in Katrina and one bad stroke of luck after another....and as the weeks went by...things seemed to get worse and worse for her.

but she is amazing.

she says 'Thank God' all day long.

one day I asked her about it...

'oh yes' she said
'when i wake up, I say thank God I am awake again'
then I get out of bed 'thank God I can walk....and I make breakfast, thank God'

she comes every week now....and I pay her the wage that we agreed upon...and I load her down with whatever I can to help them....and she thanks me...and she thanks God.

sometimes she cries.
or...
we cry together....
and.....she will thank God that she has me to cry with....

we work hard when she's here.

I always go out and buy us a nice lunch...and we sit and eat together....and talk....and today....I cried....

not for any particular reason
just
stuff....building up, I guess.

I told her that I woke up last night...couldn't get back to sleep....worrying about things.

she said 'did you fix it?'
'no'
'then why worry?' she said.
lol
right...I think....I know the Serenity Prayer...I smile...through my tears

she said 'whatever you are worried about...just thank God'
if you and your husband are happy, thank God...if you are fighting, thank God that you have a husband to fight with, thank God no matter what, when your kids are good, thank God, when they are bad, thank God for that too....and tell them you love them and kiss them and kiss them and kiss them, last thing before you go to sleep, kiss them and thank God'

I am looking at her as she says this to me.....this remarkable woman...with so very little....and with such unfortunate circumstances....but with such gratitude for what she does have.

and all credit goes to God....without God, there is nothing...

Often...she thanks God for bringing me into her life.

I argue with her....SHE was a gift to ME....in more ways than I could have imagined.

you know....that day at the car wash.......was the only wash I've had in 2009....and my local place was closed that day due to weather...I had to drive to the other side of town.....
the events that led to her being here......is all so unlikely.......
but it did happen.
and I have a lovely, clean home...and a friend....
thank God.

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