Mood Swings

For a long time we thought that if we weren't in debt everything would be ok (maybe we still think that)...

Then...we thought that if we could just stop gambling everything would be ok....

Many people experience a kind of euphoria when they stop gambling.....not the first day, but...once they realize that they are DOING it...that it CAN be done..and they are DOING it.

But...that wonderful feeling (if one gets it at all) cannot go on forever...it comes to an end...and often...that end comes without warning...and it is as painful as it is abrupt.

When I was at that stage in recovery...I would occasionally have a day where I was a wreck...sometimes for no particular reason...then...the next day..I might be great again.

It was pretty scary...am i manic? is something ELSE wrong with me?

I spend a lot of time talking with compulsive gamblers...some who are still in action (and in misery) and many who are at some stage in recovery....whether one experiences that 'pink cloud' or not....mood swings tend to occur.

Here are my thoughts on them...

here's how it was for me...

when I first stopped gambling...I had a few weeks where I was elated!

I had HOPE...I had found gamcare and safe harbor and people to talk to and relate with..f

or once..this looked like it just might be do-able...
maybe....and after a few days of not gambling...I really thought *I* could!

It took me longer than a few weeks...maybe was about 6? when I crashed..and wow..it came from no where sometimes....and sometimes...there would be something that would set me off...but..it would be like...a little bitty thing would go wrong and my mood would NOSEDIVE in a way that was not proportionate to the event.

it was scary.

why was i feeling this way?

the first time it happened, I posted on a forum and I received a BUNCH of responses...EVERYONE was saying how normal this is..it is a phase...and...after pondering it for a bit....I think that there are a few reasons for it...

First of all...for the entire time we were gambling, we were numb...all of the crap that we SHOULD have been dealing with (grief, rejection, any emotional pain) we neglected....we self-medicated by gambling...and ignored those feelings.

the thing is...they don't GO anywhere.

They're still THERE...

THAT is why...10 years after my mom died...I would still tear up every time I mentioned her name (I still miss her, but I don't cry every time I think about her)...

Those feelings are still in us...and they are RIGHT there...RIGHT under the surface...ready to burst out...and...once we stop numbing...sometimes, when we least expect it...they do...all of the bad feelings just envelop us.

I had to learn that it is necessary for me to FEEL them.
Feelings, even BAD feelings aren't bad. They just ARE.
They come....we experience them...then they go.
if we skip 'experiencing them' they do not go :(

I had to learn not to choke back tears...not to dry my eyes...just to cry if i felt like crying...it didn't matter if i didnt understand why i was crying...for some reason...i just needed to..ok, fine..do it...

I messed up my make-up many a day :)
I learned to just sit there..and let the tears roll down my cheeks and onto my clothing...just let it out...

whatever i feel is ok.
and....if it doesn't feel good....know that...it will pass.

it always does...everything changes...the good...goes bad...the bad gets better....so....when things are good....i enjoy them...when things are bad....i accept that (to the best of my ability) and hold onto the fact that things will turn around....it will pass...

it always does.


I think there's a physical aspect also....when i was gambling...it was a constant cycle of emotional highs and lows....

get money, drive to the casino, gamble (elated)...gamble (numbing) all of my money away....then drive home (well...I am sure you know how low that is)...

usually these extreme highs and lows would occur in just a matter of hours!

THenI'd go back and do it again the next day and the next day and the next day

why on earth would i think that i could do that for YEARS...
and then...
I could stop gambling..
and my body would say "oh, ok, no problem...I will just be normal now"

it CAN't...we PHYSically have to adjust to the changes that we're making too.

It really helped me to know that there was a reason for the crash..that it was normal..that it was a phase, and that it would pass...
and it will...
it will...

but most likely, it will come again...
for me, it happened a few times...
then....
a couple of months passed and i thought i had levelled off...
and it came back....
but....It seems to be over now...

I do not have those moments (weeks even) of elation...but...that's ok, cuz i don't suffer those horrible lows...
I am just kind of on an even keel now...and it's nice....

I am encountering things that I have little experience with...acceptance, gratitude, peace, joy.

It is only recently that I could identify my feelings (with words).

I never thought about them much..feelings...
they were good or bad.
If they were bad...I'd try to do something to make me feel good.

No longer.

It feels good to feel.

and

this even keel....it's sort of....?normal?
but

I am certain, that, this too, shall pass :)

* * *

am re-reading this entry and it occurs to me...that
i was on an emotional roller coaster even WHILE I was numbing out at a machine...
I was numb from my REAL LIFE..from FEELINGS...but
I was still UP and DOWN and UP and DOWN as my credits went UP and DOWN....
credits UP...I can gamble more..all is well...
credits DOWN...didn't really bother me til my cash for the day was running low...then I'd go into panic mode...if credits didn't go back UP...I'd go get more money...ATM or credit card or check..ahhh...UP again.

did they coin the term 'emotional roller coaster' based on a day in the life of a cg, i wonder?