Sunday, December 9, 2007

Can I ever gamble normally again?

I don't know if you can.

I know that *I* cannot.

Abstinence is the only answer for me.

I suspect that if you are not sure whether or not you can ever gamble normally again, you shall try :)

* * * *
When I was in the cycle...I would often decide that I had to get my gambling 'under control' and that THIS time I would stick to my limit (time, money, whatever limit I set that day)...and I rarely did....

towards the end...I usually left pretty desperate...I'd done it AGAIN...and things..were getting worse and worse...I was juggling finances....intercepting the mail...I was in a constant state of panic - unless I was gambling.

I would feel such anxiety...and somehow, I would find a way to fix the current get thru it..and I would vow that it ends here...I would not gamble again.

It usually only took a day or so for me to forget all of that minimize it and begin justifying the unjustifiable...and I was back at it.

Thus, the term, 'cycle'.

* * * * * * *

In recovery, people talk about 'complacency'.

A definition - A feeling of contentment or self-satisfaction, especially when coupled with an unawareness of danger, trouble, or controversy.

I first began 'recovery' (I use that term loosely here) in 2002. I abstained from gambling for 20 months.

During that time, I would sometimes think "maybe I wasn't so bad?"
"maybe I exaggerated the problem"
"my gambling definately got out of hand, but, maybe now that I have had this 'break' I will be able to control it..I have LEARNED so much about I will have power over it now"

Maybe I wasn't so bad???????????

I WAS that bad....I DEFINATELY was that bad.

* * * * * * *

The day that I broke my abstinence, in 2004...I didn't gamble longer than I had planned...I didn't gamble more money than I had planned :)

I was fine.

I didn't go back for a few days...I was in control.

It was just more myself 'permission' to return.

I did fine the next time too.

But...before I knew it...I was right back in the brain had once again become hi-jacked...I was no longer 'me'.

* * * * * * *
If you Do, if you MUST try...if you just have to know it for soon as you know that you are in trouble again.....reach out...don't suffer alone...there is no not spend one more minute in the misery than you must.

They say:

Some people learn by reading,
Some people learn by observing others,
Some of us have to pee on the electric fence for ourselves.

I peed on the fence.

No comments: