Denial

I read somewhere that addicts have a ‘highly developed capacity for self-deception’.

I think that have a highly developed capacity for deception, period.

I managed to hide what was going on with me for years…from family and friends…strange…as lying is really against my nature….they knew I gambled…but…I only told them about my winnings…and if I DID admit to losing…I minimized the loss….

but the truth is..I really was deceiving myself as well.

Before I acknowledge that I HAD a problem…I thought I COULDN’T possibly DEVELOP one… yeah…I saw those ‘if you have a gambling problem call 1-800” signs…

but…that didn’t or couldn’t ever apply to ME…that was for…..?bums?

Ha!

Then….For a long time…I KNEW I had a problem…but

I believed that I could quit on my own…even though all evidence suggested otherwise (I had quit a thousand times….only to return to gambling).

When I first attended a gamblers anonymous meeting, I didn’t return for several years…for quite a few reasons…including…I wasn’t like ‘them’.

I refused to see my behavior…..I am certain that if one of my days…while I was in the cycle were on ‘candid camera’ and the parts of the day where I was gambling was edited out (it would be a very short video then)…one could easily tell that I was some sort of ‘junkie’…I was in a hurry to get my family out of the door..then…I would frantically ready myself…drive to some establishment…geez…just thinking about it makes me cringe…several restaurants in the area have video poker…I knew the employees (because I frequented them so much) and would often show up prior to them unlocking the doors to open for business…..yes….’junkie’ is not too harsh a word.

I can even recall..I am ashamed to admit this…thinking that…I would probably lose my family when this all came out…but…in a way…that’d be ok..because I would be free (to gamble) then…with no one to answer to, etc. – how sad. How twisted my thinking was.

I even imagined moving away…starting a new life…of course…any life that I had would include gambling…it was my love..my lover.

Then…I became abstinent for a while…20 months…and there was a different sort of denial…I was better…I had no desire to gamble…EVER again…and I believed that I was safe…again…that I was capable of doing this on my own.

In addictions, one tends to isolate….and…the ‘addict’ in my head prevents me from thinking like ‘normal’ people…I now believe that THAT is why it is important to ‘stay connected’ with other recovering compulsive gamblers….because….even tho I’m fine…even tho I KNOW I’m fine….one day I may NOT be fine…and…if I haven’t cultivated relationships with people who understand this…with people I feel comfortable with and am in contact with….I can easily find myself ..well…you know…’out there’.

For me… AWARENESS is mandatory…AWARENESS is the opposite of denial…and…only if I remain aware and honest...can I be sure..that I can keep my life.

And I intend to do that.

I am entitled to it…and I will gift myself that…my life.

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The worst lies are the lies we tell ourselves. We live in denial of what we do, even what we think. We do this because we're afraid.
--RICHARD BACH