Thursday, May 8, 2008

How could I be so stupid?

I’ve been thinking about how I felt back then….how STUPID I felt….Look what I’d done!

And Bad.

I remember thinking often....'How could I be so stupid?'

I’ve met people in g.a. who have said they never really had morals in place…even before gambling....but that wasn’t me.

I have never been a liar or a thief.

I do the right thing.

I’m smart, successful.

What in the hell happaned?

How could I be so stupid?

And bad?

How is it..that I could hate what I’d done…

Hate who I’d become…

And…still want to gamble?

The reason is because..this is not a BEHAVIOR problem…it is a BRAIN problem.

Sure…I did engage in bad behavior…but that was ONLY after my brain had become hijacked….once it had become hooked.

Gambling alters our brain chemistry.
Only about five percent of the population that gambles actually develops a problem.

It appears that some of us are more affected by the change….more susceptible.

Many people who become compulsive gamblers were depressed…or at least were grieving some sort of loss…a death…a relationship…a job…good health.

Among other things, the act of gambling stimulates the pleasure center in the brain.

When something goes wrong with ANY organ in the body…the processes that that organ controls are affected…if I have heart problems, my circulation will be affected….if I have problems with my lungs…I cannot breathe well.

When my brain is (chemically) altered…my THOUGHTS and EMOTIONS are affected.

It makes sense that if my thinking is not ‘OK’ … well…no telling what will happen if my thinking is not OK.

THAT is why I didn’t behave like myself…I WASN’T myself.

And it wasn’t my fault.

I don’t recommend anyone trying to convince their friends and family that they aren’t responsible for what they’ve done…the fact is…..maybe it wasn’t my FAULT..and maybe I couldn’t HELP it….but…taking responsibility for what I’ve done is an important step towards getting better.

So it’s not a BEHAVIOR problem….the fact is..

the behavior is CAUSING the problem (altered brain chemistry)….
and the PROBLEM makes us want to continue the behavior…

The cycle.

What we have to do…is correct the problem that we’ve created in the brain.

Medication may be a useful tool for some.
It was/is for me.

But…CONTINUING to gamble will cause the IMBALANCE to continue.

We cannot correct the problem that we’ve created in the brain if we continue to gamble.

There are other things that we can do….

But we MUST stop gambling.

For a long time, I was unable to choose not to gamble. I wanted it, I needed it..I HAD to gamble.

The only way that I could not gamble was to remove the ability to choose it….I gave up all access to money….

Slowly…my thinking began to change…to clear.

It is not my fault that this happened to me.

But now, knowing what I’m capable of, it is my responsibility…my RESPONSIBILITY… to get better.

No one else can do this for me.

It doesn’t matter…whose fault this is or is not…it doesn’t matter.

Do..whatever it takes.

We all deserve our lives.

Find a way.

For more information...see The Science of the Brain Problem

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