More of my story - Gambler's Anonymous

My Story - the beginning is here...

The progression is here.

Then.....The confession.

* * * * *

It was crazy at first…he didn’t talk to me for days.

I was so scared.

But still…I was crazy….I comforted myself by thinking…if I *WAS* forced to leave, at least I could gamble freely then…not having to sneak or hide..having no one to answer to.

Maybe I would move away….start over…be alone…not have to face everyone here…deal with all of this crap.

But then..there was the debt…

It was so complicated.

And confusing.

I told him I’d get help….I’d go to gambler’s anyonymous.

I had reached out for help before….had attended a meeting even….once…a few years prior….

* * * * * *

I was driving home from the casino...early one moring....
I had been there all night..
I have no idea when this was...1999? 2000?
I don't know what happened that particular night...not the specifics..
but I can recall crying..
the desperation...
I could not stop...
I HAD to stop.

I had a platinum players card...big spender....from the casino i'd just left...
there's a number on the back..if you have a gambling problem call...
I called.
I sobbed...
my debt...
was so big..
and getting bigger by the day...
the lady on the phone said that she understood...
she had a gambling problem too...
that she had stopped gambling though..and was repaying her debt..
it was getting better...she seemed so ....calm? normal?

There was nothing in me that was calm that day.
Nothing.
And I wasn't like her.
I couldn't quit...
I didn't really WANT to quit gambling...
I just wanted gambling to stop hurting me....

she was very nice...talked to me for a while...
ultimately...she suggested I attend a gamblers anonymous meeting.

I did not.
A meeting?
Please.
I'd seen tv shows with folks saying cr**...
hi..i'm joe blow and i'm an alcoholic...
no thank you very much...
I mean..good for Joe if it works for him...
but that wasn't me.

I continued to gamble...
the lies got worse
the debt got worse
the pain got worse
EVERYTHING got worse..

Eventually...I attended a meeting...
I was in trouble...
They gave me literature..that I could not bring home...
my husband didn't know.

THey told me that I had to tell my husband.

RIGHT!
I could not...would not..no way.

I think...when I went...I thought that maybe they could teach me how to control my gambling....or show me how to get out of debt...perhaps even help me to obtain a loan???


we read a book...the book said a lot of things...
the book said I could never gamble normally again...
the book said that bailouts (loans) were discouraged in gamblers anonymous...

there was no help for me here.


* * * * *

If only I had stopped back then….I thought things were bad when I attended that FIRST meeting….geez….if only I’d known…

Now...geez...my world was crashing in....I knew I had to stop....and I knew that I needed help....I had to go back....

I called a friend to go with me.

They said it was a ‘closed’ meeting…so she could only stay if she had a gambling problem.

She did. She didn't want help for it...but she did have a problem and she was allowed to stay.

Again, I sobbed through the entire meeting.

There was an old guy at this meeting...he had been at that first meeting I'd attended long ago.
He remembered me.
If only I had stopped back then.

but.....these meetings....

These people….I wasn’t LIKE them…..I hated the holding hands and the ‘I’m peg and I’m a compulsive gambler’ and the room responding ‘hello peg’

It was like kindergarten.

Plus….some of those people…hadn’t gambled in a long time.

I wasn’t gonna be able to do that.
Or
If I WAS able….life was gonna suck.

No more gambling
Never gambling again.
No more las vegas
No more casinos on holidays
No more video poker

My friend cried all the way home…because they said that I couldn’t be friends with people who gambled….she had been my best friend since we were three years old…she was afraid.

I told her we would always be friends.

She still gambles.
We are still friends.


Soooooooooo….

I had a disease.

Permission.

I mean….who can blame me if I’m sick?


Continued here.