Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Gambling was my drug

I was talking to a friend the other day….about the physical things that happen to me when I gamble.

My gambling ‘career’ was spread over a few years….and things..or *I* was very different at different points in time….who I was…how it affected me…changed over time…

I can recall an ‘early’ trip to the casino with a few friends..and all of our mothers….we were all dolled up….a nice day out. Laughter….fun.

And it really was…back then.

But…after some time….a few years of spending hours upon hours and hundreds of thousands of dollars..pressing the button pressing the button pressing the button…

It wasn't about fun.

Maybe I THOUGHT it was fun....but..

I was a junkie.

I’m not kidding.

I didn’t INGEST anything…but….I looked and acted just like a junkie.

When people say that gambling is a drug….it’s not a metaphor….gambling causes chemical changes to take place in my brain and I am absolutely drugged.

I was talking to this friend…about….some of the machines that I played …used to take only certain denominations of bills (they’ve changed this…always making it ‘easier’ on us)…

So when I’d first get change to play…I’d only get about 40 or $60…cuz that’s all I planeed to spend….but then…when that was gone…I’d put up my little sign that says I’d be right back…getting change….then I’d go to the counter…

If there was a line…or if the girl at the counter wasn’t moving quickly enough….It would drive me mad….I was in such a hurry to get back…this was such a pain in the a** to have to stop..to get change…

tap tap tap my foot….itching to play….anxious…..

no word is more accurate…than junkie.

And….even….the way I looked….gone were the days when going to the casino was an ‘event’..that I would dress up for…spend a day ‘out’…

Nah…it was commonplace now.

Plus…shower, shave, makeup…it would take too much time….as soon as the family was gone for the day, I was OUT of there..

Brush teeth and hair and go….

No one will see me anyway…they tuck these machines back in the corner…the only people who will see me….are the girls that give change (ever so slowly)….and….the other ‘junkies’.

It is no easier for us to break free either.

But we must.

That is no way to live.

1 comment:

Michelle Tee said...

I totally understand about gambling being a drug. I would sit for hours in front of the machine... feeling like I was on some type of drug... I was like a zoned out zombie. It was awful.. and it affected other family members as well.