Friday, May 16, 2008

I am not a gambler!

I am not inadequate or inferior to 'normal' people...

Gambling causes chemical changes in my brain that screw up my thinking (since my brain is the organ that controls my thinking) I cannot gamble..ever...and I am ok with that.

When my brain was screwed up, due to gambling, I was obsessed with thoughts of gambling and compulsed to continue once I matter the cost....

I thought I needed it.
I thought I could never be happy without it.
I thought that my life was screwed up beyond repair.
I thought all sorts of crazy things.

In my opinion...a relapse would not take anything away from this past year and a half that I have been free....what it WOULD alter my brain my thinking would get crazy again..and what happens to my life..when my thinking gets

So a relapse is out of the question.

I am NOT afraid of placing that next bet.
I refuse to live in fear.

I absolutely respect this illness...and how insidious and baffling it can I remain aware...but I am not afraid.

I am not weak or stupid -- I am not a gambler.

I am not a gambler!

I've quit smoking...and...several weeks after I had my last cigarette, I told someone that 'I am a non-smoker now'.

then I wondered...why can I say that?
why can I say that I am a non-smoker?
I am addicted to nicotine...I will ALWAYS be addicted to nicotine...
but I am not active in my addiction, thus, I am a non smoker.

I decided that day...that I am not a gambler either.

I will always be a compulsive gambler....if I choose to gamble.

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