Playing My Tape

'Playing a tape' can be a useful tool when one is having urges to gamble...for ME (someone else played their tape for ME)...it was my 'aha' moment...when I knew that I truly was not alone.....

A perfect opportunity arises to gamble…
family is not around…
I’ve got some money that no one would really miss…
wouldn’t be that big of a deal….
just a few hours of fun
I am feeling lucky
It’s been a while since I’ve played
Jump into my car
Am excited…
just thinking about being there..
cannot get there quick enough
Adrenaline is pumping
Closer I get, the faster I drive
I have some money that I cannot afford to lose…
I don’t dare bring it in with me…
I place it under the floor mat of my car…
I know how I am
I Park the car
Run into the casino
No one at my machine
Must be my lucky day!
I put some money in the machine
Maybe hit a few times…
small amounts…
credits are up though....
I can stay for a while
Relax a little
Machine slowly dies on me
But I know it’s gonna hit…
it’s acting the way it usually acts right before it hits…
I put more money in
Then more
Until I have no more money
But
I have some money in my car
And by now…
I have put so much money into this machine…
I really want it back…
PLUS…
I’m not ready to go home yet
Scrounge in my purse for some change…
put it into the machine so there are a few credits on there..
then ask the lady who is sitting at the machine next to me to ‘keep an eye’ on my machine…
I will be right back
Run out to the car
Get money from under the floor mat…
Hurry Back inside…
play all of that money…too quickly
Now I can’t stop…I NEEDED *THAT* money
Besides..
machine HAS to be ready to hit…
I’ve put so much in!!!!
Get cash from the atm machine
Machine starts playing with me…
paying small jackpots…
credits are up, up, up
Not to what I’ve put in…but doing well
Sheez…I can stay
Machine quickly takes it all back
Plus the cash I’ve just taken out of the ATM
Getting desperate…
I shouldn’t have blown so much
Now I *have* to win
Write a check
Maybe try a different machine?
Now I *really* can’t leave
A cash advance on a credit card now.
Eventually…out of time and/or out of available funds…
have to leave
Walk slowly back to car (or maybe half-running because I'm late for some appointment)
Out of cigarettes
Thirsty
Scrounge in purse…
not even enough change for a soft drink…
have already raided the change
Geez…how could I be so stupid???
How could I do this AGAIN?
I have to STOP!!!
Can’t keep doing this.
Then…
thoughts start to change
How am I going to explain this?
Explaining where I was…
where the money went
And how am I gonna replace it?

start juggling money in my head...
coming up with lies...

It's important to always play the tape to the end...
I really hated those rides home.