Balance

Balance in all things…that’s what I need.

I’ve been thinking about this recently.

Balance.

I think….I USED to believe that balance meant…dividing my time equally between things.

But that’s not going to work for me….and my thoughts keep going back to an exercise that I learned of years ago in some self-help book (and used successfully at the time)…it was a little different….but…I think it can be modified for this purpose.

See….I’m thinking that…for me..balance needs to be dividing my time between things PROPORTIONATE to their importance to me.

So….this exercise….(which I will complete for myself as soon as I post this entry) would require me to list the things that I spend my time (or SHOULD spend my time) doing on two pieces of paper.

Then…on one of those sheets…I will grade myself, on a scale of 1 to 10….based on the amount of time (and my performance) I actually spend doing that…

Geez..when I was gambling….that list might’ve looked something like this:

Gambling ...................8
Growth:
>>>Recovery work... 0
>>>Meditation.......... 0
>>>Prayer ..................1 (God…if you’re there..please let me win a jackpot….and then I will leave.)
Relationships:
>>>Wife..................... 3
>>>Mother................ 3
>>>Friend ..................2
Work ...........................1
Chores .........................1
Leisure........................ 2
Doing for others........ 1

Wow.

Then…put that paper aside….and take out the second sheet. On this sheet…prioritize the items…the most important thing being #1, next most important thing #2 etc. etc.

Then compare the two pages.

My list of priorities doesn’t coincide with how I’m living my life.

So what to DO about that?

The thing is…when I 'grade' myself on how good a wife I am, for instance….there isn’t one event that I could look at (nor should I) and say…oh yes…I did that…so here is my score.

I have to look at the over all picture….see….
my role as a wife includes many many SMALL gestures and responses and responsibilities….

so…in order to score myself…I have to look at the ‘big picture’…think of many many little things that I have said and done…some good..some not so good…CUMULATIVELY…those things determine how good (or poorly) I am doing.

What that means is…the way for me to be a better mother…there is no BIG thing that I can (or should) go out and do right now….what is necessary is…
the next time I have to choose…between doing something for my children or doing my chores…I need to think about my priorities…and make the decision on which to do..based on THAT.

But

There are going to be exceptions.
For instance…my list of priorities will rate my children far above my work.

So…if…everytime I have to make a choice between working late or getting home to my kids…I make the choice that coincides with my priorities (my kiddos)..THEN…when it is important…when my job needs me….when it would be a really big deal for me to do otherwise…I can easily justify choosing work….and I wouldn’t feel like I was any ‘less’ a mother.

These things aren’t easy for me…I want the quick fix..I want the magic pill…I just want everything to be better..to be the way that I want it to NOW.

In some ways, though…it makes it easier..that I am not required to do anything BIG or LARGE to make things right….all I have to do is

The next ‘right’ thing… I just need to keep doing the next right thing….

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"Great things are done by a series of small things brought together."-- Vincent Van Gogh