Searching for my Higher Power - I

As a young girl I believed in God. I was raised Catholic.

Somewhere along the way I lost Him.

For a long time I didn’t believe, but I couldn’t say that…just in case :)

Then….I met a woman…we made friends…one day, the subject of religion came up and she said “There is no God.”

Wow.

She could say that?

She wasn’t struck down…..and it empowered me.

From that day forward, I could say “There is no God.”

Years later, I worked with a guy who decided it was his mission to save my soul. We talked often about God….and based on our discussions…I changed my stance from “There is no God.” To “I don’t believe in God…and if there IS a God, I don’t like him very much.”

Most of the people that I knew that had ‘found’ God were pretty obnoxious and pushy, I thought.

Sometimes i would be afraid..what if there is a God...and I didn't have faith...what will happen to me? so i have explored different avenues...have attended a few bible studies, etc...searching for ? i dunno, searching for the possibility of God.

My logic always kicked in and told me this.....there is no God. Man created God in HIS own image in an effort to control society and comfort himself. A belief in God certainly does appear to bring peace to those who believe...but then...if i believed in an imaginary friend who loved me unconditionally and who would take on all of my problems..all of the WORLDS problems...that would comfort me too...a crutch...no doubt..the folks who believed were somewhat happier than the folks that did not...even if they were delusional...didn't seem like such a bad place to be...oh...except for that obnoxious, pushy stuff...

Still, I did not…I COULD not believe.

Then, in 2002…I found the Gambler’s Anonymous Program. I needed to stop. I DESPERATELY needed to stop gambling…and ‘old timer’ brought the Big Book of AA to a meeting. He gave it to me and said “Everywhere that it says alcohol, mentally substitute gambling.”

It was me.

That book…was me.

But I don’t have a problem with alcohol??

I decided…that….while I DO have a gambling problem….my REAL problem is ADDICTION.

Based on that book…and on the 12 steps of Gamblers Anonymous, if I was going to get better, I had to have a ‘Higher Power’….a power that is greater than myself.

In meetings, I discussed openly the fact that I did not believe in God…I was told that ANYTHING could be my higher power…it could be a doorknob or a park bench or the group.

Excuse me?

A doorknob is more powerful than me? A park bench?

And..yeah…ok…maybe I could stop with the help of this group…in which case, this group could be my higher power…except…Step 3 is “Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of this power of our own understanding”.

Ummm…I don’t think I’m gonna turn my will and my life over to the care of a bunch of addicts (or a doorknob or a park bench for that matter).

Besides…the folks in the big book of AA and the ones that I’d talked to in GA all called their Higher Power ‘God’.

Damn.

This was gonna be harder than I thought.

Before I had even 90 days of abstinence, I had a conference to attend…in Reno.

I couldn’t tell my boss. I was so embarrassed..so ashamed.

I had to go.

My husband came with me.

We stayed in a hotel/casino.

I had to walk through the casino…down the escalator….more walking through the casino…another escalator….more casino walking…down the stairs…to get to my conference.

Leave and return for lunch break….and back out at the end of the day.
For three days.

Most of the conference was educational, but there was one motivational speaker.

He was awesome.

We took a break during his presentation and I spoke with him for a bit.

In conversation, he mentioned a book he had written…I asked him for the name of it so that I might purchase a copy…he asked for my business card and said he’d send me one…..which he did.

His name is Kelly Talamo and his book was ‘Ambushed by God’.

It contained a series of short stories..true stories from Kelly’s life…synchronistic events that he attributed to God.

I couldn’t put it down.

The final short story in the book was a very personal one…it was about his Mother…in his telling of the story, he began naming family members and

Oh my god….he has a twin.
I know her.
I have known and loved her since I was a child.

Wait.

I am looking for God.
I live in New Orleans.
I am in Reno when I meet a guy who lives in Georgia.
I end up reading his book…which is about strange ‘coincidences’ that would lead one to believe that there truly are no accidents…
And…he is from my home town and I grew up with his sister!!

Here I am searching for God….he was obviously speaking to me….

But I didn’t listen.

I was afraid.

Everyone that I knew that ‘had’ God…did that obnoxious pushy thing… I didn’t want to be that way….and there didn’t seem to be an in-between.

Ultimately I decided that the solution to this gambling thing was my character defects…..I stopped my search for God….I stopped attending g.a. meetings…and I did fine….life was great…

Until it wasn’t.

continued....here

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Maybe the atheist cannot find God for the same reason a thief cannot find a policeman. ~Author Unknown