Sunday, December 30, 2007

My addiction evolved

Often…our first gambling experience is a win…or at the very least, it was not particularly unpleasant…more than likely we did not end up in jail or the hospital or spend all of our food or bill money. It was ‘fun’.

I gradually began to gamble longer and with more and more money…and then there were changes in my behavior…I began lying, isolating, hiding my losses…and my obsession with gambling grew.

As the addiction grew, my monetary losses increased, because, even when I ‘won’, I could not stop gambling…until it was all gone…and on the rare occasion that I DID leave with winnings…I’d quickly return…and continue to gamble…until it was all gone.

It wasn’t really THAT important that I win….I was going to gamble anyway….’winning’ simply meant that I didn’t have to take any more money out of my bank account…or make another cash advance on a credit card…YET.

My financial problems led to more lies, cheating and stealing from family and friends, selling items that are precious to me…increasing shame, fear and anxiety.

While gambling…I was unaware of the consequences…I was unaware of everything else…I was in my bubble….so…at any given stage….gambling was the obvious ‘solution’….it provided me with relief.

Until the ride home.

*Related entries: How did this happen to me?
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It is STILL not better out there. -- My friend in recovery, Jean Leo

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hello Peg,

Have you thought about publishing your writings as a book.

You are telling the story of a gambling addict with such clarity and honesty.

Thanks for sharing.

LindaH.
www.gettingpastgambling.com

peg said...

(((Linda)))

I keep thinking that I've found what I'm meant to do....and then...everything changes :)

All I know is that this *feels* right just now...it's helping me so much...and the possibility that it may help others..well..that's just gravy :)

Thank you so much for the compliment....I was so far from honesty for a long time....it's nice to have that word associated with me again.

Love,
Peg

Anonymous said...

It's good to find something that feels right, even if it is only 'for now'.
I really enjoy reading you daily postings and have shared your link with others.

LindaH

Anonymous said...

Peg I am a compulsive gambler everything you have said fits my life to a Tee. I am trying to seek help, but really don't know where to start. Could you please give me some suggestions. It is so crazy when I read your blogs it hard not to believe that your not talking about me, you have hit the nail on the head. I do good for a month or so then I fall off the wagon and totally go the other direction. Please help.

Linda said...

Hello Anonymous

By reading Peg's Blog is a great way of following her progress and what she did to work her recovery process.

I hope Peg doesn't mind me doing this, but you could also join a group called Getting Past Gambling www.gettingpastgambling.com which will hopefully help you on your journey.

We all have to do it for ourselves and do it alone basically, but with support and understanding it certainly helps through those very rough patches we experience and also being able share and celebrate our successes is wonderful.

After all who better to understand the ups and downs than another CG.

So why not check us out and see what your think.

Also check:
http://gettingpastgambling.com/bb/

For information on Gambling addiction.

Hope this helps you a little in finding the motivation to start finding what will work for you.

LindaH.
www.gettingpastgambling.com

Peg said...

There are many resources available on the web.

as Linda mentioned, www.gettingpastgambling.com is an excellent resource.

I also frequent http://www.gamcare.org.uk/forum/
http://www.sfcghub.com/cgsf1.html
http://dailystrength.org/

I have found all of these sites to be great sources of support.

Anonymous said...

I started gambling in February of this year and as of yesterday between actually gambling losses, credit card advance fees and checking overdraft fees, I realize I lost $40,000 (plus the additional interest it is going to take me to pay back all my credit cards over the next 5 plus years). I am sick to my stomach. Last night I said enough and found your site. I read this one this morning and so can relate. I hate what gambling has done to me emotionally and financially.

Anonymous said...

I have been a problem gambler for many years. I have nerve pain issues and seek ways to distract myself of it, so I went back to casino again and lost $3200 today on BJ. I am now scrambling to fund my checking account because of today's losses. I think gamblers need support from eachother. I am going to say it again, I quit and I mean it. Pray that I can do It! Thanks.

Anonymous said...

The difference between addiction and recovery: addiction says I will gamble today and if I lose I will quit tomorrow. Recovery says I will not gamble today and I will worry about tomorrow, when it comes tomorrow