My addiction evolved

Often…our first gambling experience is a win…or at the very least, it was not particularly unpleasant…more than likely we did not end up in jail or the hospital or spend all of our food or bill money. It was ‘fun’.

I gradually began to gamble longer and with more and more money…and then there were changes in my behavior…I began lying, isolating, hiding my losses…and my obsession with gambling grew.

As the addiction grew, my monetary losses increased, because, even when I ‘won’, I could not stop gambling…until it was all gone…and on the rare occasion that I DID leave with winnings…I’d quickly return…and continue to gamble…until it was all gone.

It wasn’t really THAT important that I win….I was going to gamble anyway….’winning’ simply meant that I didn’t have to take any more money out of my bank account…or make another cash advance on a credit card…YET.

My financial problems led to more lies, cheating and stealing from family and friends, selling items that are precious to me…increasing shame, fear and anxiety.

While gambling…I was unaware of the consequences…I was unaware of everything else…I was in my bubble….so…at any given stage….gambling was the obvious ‘solution’….it provided me with relief.

Until the ride home.

*Related entries: How did this happen to me?
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It is STILL not better out there. -- My friend in recovery, Jean Leo