Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Keeping the Secret

Everyone knew I gambled. Everyone who KNEW me knew that I loved it.

No one knew how often I gambled or how much money I blew.

No one knew that when I was late picking up my children, missing family functions, skipping gatherings with friends.... I was gambling.

I resented any activity that kept me from gambling...I wanted to do nothing else.

The debt mounted.

I rationalized things that are so far from rational.

I read somewhere that 'pathological gamblers have a highly developed capacity for self-deception.

That just about sums it up.

Now that I have removed myself from the insanity..I wonder...did I think he wouldn't find out? what, exactly, did I think was going to happen to the debt?

The truth was...I DIDN'T think about it...or....when I did I would pray that somehow things would all work out.

Funny, I prayed when I gambled. I didn't really believe there was anyone there who might hear me...but...I guess I figured it couldn't hurt.

Secrets are hard because there's no way to keep a secret without lying.

It is against my nature to lie.

So much of what I did when I was caught up in the cycle is against everything that I truly was like I was someone else.

I knew that if and when he ever found would all be over...he could never forgive this...could I have???

so...i just couldn't let him find out....I became an expert at juggling funds...I had to make sure I always retrieved the mail from the mailbox. If he happened to open a bank statement or a credit card bill...geez...the thought of it was horrific.

I spent every moment of my day...finding ways to gamble...or covering my tracks.

Many people do this....hide from others how much money and time they are things get worse...the addiction gets worse, the debt gets worse..the fear mounts...the pressure builds.

Most of us could not imagine telling our secret....the consequences would be too one could forgive this.....however, most of the people that I've me, thought that they couldn't and wouldn't be forgiven...and they were...with very few exceptions.

I thought I would be the exception. He would leave.

Most people think they are the exception....their loved ones would never understand...never forgive.

Telling is painful...for was EXTREMELY painful...yet on some was a relief.

Keeping secrets is hard.
Alone is too lonely.

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