A Lover

I remember feeling that I couldn't imagine not gambling....i didn't think it was possible that i could stop
AND...
if i WERE able to stop...surely I would be miserable.

If i didn't gamble, i would be DEPRIVING myself of something that I ENJOYED..my FAVORITE activity....i didn't WANT to stop!!!!

well...we sort of have to 'deprive' ourselves for a while...just until we get sane...once we can clearly see....once we no longer CRAVE it (and it can happen)...

THEN

we have to start changing our thinking.

i see people who have years and years clean-time in g.a. who slip..or still yearn for it.

i don't want to live that way...and so much of how we feel is all because of how we THINK.

I am FREE.

I was a SLAVE.

I had a lover...more demanding than I would ever allow a man to be....this lover demanded everything of me...all of my time..all of my money...it wouldn't let me have other friends...it wouldn't allow me to THINK of anyone but 'it'... I had to put 'it' before my own best interests.

I would never ever ever have allowed a human being to do that to me.

I was an unwilling, unKNOWing slave.

but

now I know.

now i see.

and I won't take it any more.