Hi, I'm Peg and I'm a Compulsive Gambler.

I remember when I first attended gambler’s anonymous meetings…anytime someone spoke, they opened with that line…hi, I’m _________ and I’m a compulsive gambler.

I didn’t wanna say that.

I DIDN’t say that.

I say it now :)

I’ve heard some people question the wisdom in people saying that…they argue that…we should think POSITIVE…not focus on the negative.

Hmmmm

A compulsive gambler.

How bad is that?

I mean…I know it’s not good…it caused me pain…it hurt people I love…it turned me into someone I didn’t know and didn’t like…so…it’s not good…but….

There was a time when I could easily have said ‘I am a gambler’ and not been ashamed or embarrassed…it wasn’t a ‘bad’ thing…it was entertainment…I was a gambler, so what?

So….it’s the compulsive thing that’s a problem…but….that’s not a NOUN…it’s not WHO I am…..it is an ADJECTIVE….it describes HOW I GAMBLE.

Well…for *ME*…compulsive is an adjective that applies to more than gambling.

Actually…being compulsive has been an advantage to me in many ways….when I become interested in something I really throw myself into it…my career, parenting, even recovery…so…being compulsive isn’t necessarily a BAD thing.

I’ve also had some things that I’m compulsive about that haven’t been advantageous but haven’t been a (real) problem either…maybe just a bother….like….how many times have I come back home after locking up and driving away…to make sure that I unplugged the iron….or locked the front door…or walked back to my car to make sure I locked IT….well…is that compulsive or is it related to attention deficit? Or both?

The point is….that being compulsive, in itself, is not all THAT awful…it’s when we engage in compulsive behavior to the point where it CONSUMES us…

In fact…the compulsion itself wasn’t all THAT much of a problem for me…I mean….the first time I recall gambling I was out of control…but I didn’t gamble again for years….and then when I did…I was out of control and gambled til my last penny was gone….but then…I didn’t gamble again for years…

So…it wasn’t necessarily GOOD when I gambled..but it didn’t really cause a problem in my life.

The OBSESSION was the killer for me….the OBSESSION coupled with the COMPULSION….meant that….when I WASN’t gambling…I could think of nothing else..and all of my thoughts were around gambling…fixing a financial crisis or planning an outing..thinking of some lie or excuse that would get me out of the house…it was all I could THINK about it…so I was gambling as often as I possibly could….and I would gamble as long as I possibly could once I started.

So yeah, I’m a compulsive gambler…but…that’s not the way I think about myself when I think of who I am.

I am so much more than that.

I am a mother, a sister, a daughter, a friend, a co-worker, an aunt, etc. etc. etc.

I am a compulsive gambler…but that is what I *DID*

it is not who I *AM*.

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~ Keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final.
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