Monday, December 17, 2007

Quick Fix?

As a child, I recall searching my parent's closet at Christmas time...needing to know NOW what my gifts would be.....

I have a hard time waiting to GIVE gifts also...I cannot wait.

While I hope that I was never quite THAT obnoxious....there is a bit of Violet (Willy Wonka) in me "Don't care how, I want it now!"

"Being addicted means relying on immediate gratification and, as the pattern of addiction continues, our ability to delay gratification erodes."
more here

I imagine that has a lot to do with my becoming is ALSO why recovery is so tough.

Recovery takes PATIENCE.

We have to learn how to slow took a long time to make this mess and it isn't going to get better over night.

Repaying debt, regaining trust, rebuilding all takes time..and that's frustrating for me...I'm not accustomed to WAITING for anything.

There is no quick-fix.
There is no magic pill.

Part of the 'getting better' is to learn to WORK for be patient and diligent.... all foreign to me.

There is so much to learn in recovery.

They say it's a 'journey', and is.

If there is a goal...for is to find joy and peace...if I stop gambling and am miserable..what is the point??

Joy and peace.

and Love :)

so....this isn't just about stopping gambling is it? cuz...when I stopped gambling...

FIRST - things were BAD - I had to face reality..something I hadn't done in a very long time....there were consequences and it was painful...but I held onto the fact that the POSSIBILITY of Joy, peace and love were out there and I would find them....I thought that it was a very very SLIGHT possibility..but...well...I had to try.

AFTER a while...things began to improve...but...before anything in my EXTERNAL world got better...I started changing INSIDE.... I was hanging around with people (mostly online) who were in recovery...I was spending many hours a day in a chat room for compulsive gamblers...I was like a sponge...I gravitated toward people that 'had something I wanted'...different things from different people...I learned a lot.

I am still learning :)

I had a real problem with the word PRAYER for a long long time...but...I found so much wisdom in the Serenity Prayer, that I began using it anyway....

There are so many things that I need to work on..I cannot do ALL of it today...I cannot fix EVERYTHING at once...good thing I don't HAVE to...

I am not where I want to be in my recovery...but...I am better than I was last year...last month...and even last week...and...I will be better NEXT week....and....even when I get to where I want to be in recovery....I won't be I grow...what I want..what I NEED..keep changing....

so the not to 'get there' continue growing....the goal IS the journey....

now that I'm figuring these things out...I'm GLAD there is no quick-fix....if i could have just taken a pill...and gambling would no longer have been a problem....who would I be today?

not the me that I am.

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