Thursday, March 20, 2014

Hello again.

From time to time people reach out to me, asking me to update the blog...wanting an update.

I imagine that is mostly about 'are you still gamble-free?'... because when I was stuck in the cycle of the nightmare and couldn't imagine ever being free of it (if I COULD get out of the cycle... I was sure that the DESIRE to gamble would remain)... and... I thought "is that REALLY free?"

and g.a. basically told me (or what I understood from it) was that I'd always be 'sick'.... hmmmm but I COULD be 'OK' if I turned my life over to a power greater than myself.

that was a pretty scary time for me... because I really didn't believe that I could ever be OK, or, God forbid, HAPPY... no matter WHAT I did.... but if turning my life over to ... God? was going to be required, I was pretty screwed, because I didn't believe in that shit.

I tried to learn everything I could about all different types of recovery.... and tried to understand how on earth this could've happened to MEEEEEEE....

but most of all, I was seeking people who had some degree of success. 

If THEY could do it... then it was possible.

And If that is what you're here searching for, then I want to tell you YESSSS... I AM still living my life... free of gambling.. and SO CAN YOU.  There, I said it.  YES people are doing it.  YES it's possible.  Yes, you can be OK.

But it wasn't easy.

My life looks so different now than it did ten years ago.
It isn't perfect.... but that's OK.

I was watching something the other day....  OH!  It was  (you should watch... Ted Talks are great!)... but in one part, she talks about people "numbing"... (I'm improvising here)....and how some people turn to drugs or alcohol or whatever... to numb themselves from pain.. BUT the problem with numbing is that when you do... you are also numb to all of the GOOD stuff.

Ya know... when people are searching for a way out of the gambling-til-I-die cycle, it is usually because they are in a great deal of pain DUE TO gambling.... and they THINK that if they can break free that life will be wonderful... that ALL problems will be solved if they can just stop....
and that's just not possible... there's generally financial problems that must be faced and cleaned up... and then just the random shit that life throws at you.  People you love will die, or leave you, blah blah blah blah.  No it's NOT all good.
But there is a LOT of good.
Sometimes you have to look real hard for it.... or you have to LEARN to look for it... ahhh yes... GRATITUDE.

Ha!  At one point, the 'slogans' so commonly used in recovery irritated me.
But, in fact, these sayings became slogans because they are TRUE.

Nothing  changes if nothing changes.
Feelings are not facts.
Take one day at a time.

These things are not about recovery (for me).  They are about LIFE.
These truths apply to all human beings in all circumstances, not just to addicts/people in 'recovery'.

I love Eckhart Tolle.... practicing 'being present'.  When I am staying in the moment, I am AWARE... and when I become aware.. I seem to have so much... (even if it isn't what I want)... I have no choice but to be grateful.

Clean water!  what a blessing... everyone doesn't have that.
A Toilet!

So I'm rambling.

The truth is, for the past day and a half or so I've had a crying spell.  (I'm fine.  It's silly 'problems').
So I was trying to recall... WHEN was the last time I cried?  Really cried.
I can't remember.

Then I woke up this morning remembering a time when I had those days, for no particular reason, out of the blue, pretty often.  In early recovery it happened a lot.  I would be very emotional... I wrote about mood swings quite a few times here.  They were disturbing... so much emotion over something that was CLEARLY not worthy of so much distress.

ha!  funny that when I am elated for NO GOOD reason, I don't question that!

Anyway... this world is full of possibilities.  Possibilities for YOU.  Probably many you haven't even considered... but if you're spending all of your time numbing... and cleaning up the messes you've created.. and covering your tracks... and trying to figure out how to keep on numbing.....

you'll be missing all the REAL stuff that you can and should be spending your life doing.

you control that.
whatever you think, whatever you've been told... if you can or you can't 'get better'.. whatever you believe about that... just DO it.

you're the only one who can.

and you can.

and *I* feel better now too.  Thanks for being here.