Friday, November 21, 2014

Becoming a better person.

When I was trying to stop gambling, I read a lot.

I was trying to figure it out.

How to save my life... because if I didn't stop, I was going to lose a lot more than my money.

I was going to start losing PEOPLE.

I was already lost.

I had to find myself again.  BE ME again... but how.

So I read.

A lot of people talked about wanting to be their 'old selves' (pre-gambling) again... but I figured... the OLD PEG ended up gambling... I didn't want to be HER again.

but who?

The 12 stop programs talked about eliminating character defects.

Now... that seems strange to me... on the one hand... saying we aren't bad.. we're sick.... but if you get rid of these bad qualities or tendencies, you'll be better.

I pondered that a bit... but what DID make sense to me was....

If I am a person who doesn't lie... if I am a person who doesn't steal... If I am a person who consistently respects my relationships... I CANNOT gamble.

So I went to work on those things.

No lies.
No gossip.
Be kind.

Now I'm not saying I'm perfect.
I'm not.

But when I identified a behavior of mine that wasn't attractive... I 'put it on the list'.

and slowly... I began to work on those things.

I say slowly because... I didn't just wake up the next day, after having identified these things, somehow different.

But day-in and day-out (yeah, one day at a time)... I refused to lie.  I did not gossip.  I chose to do the 'right' thing. 

Now I'm not sure when I actually BECAME different.

But I AM.

I recently attended a workshop that happens to be geared toward actors, but I can see how it would benefit any human being, that is geared to 'give you vocabulary' to describe yourself and is primarily based on how others see you.

While reviewing the cards where people had given me feedback about my personality.... which included statements from people in my life who know me well... I realized how different this would've looked both WHILE I was gambling and even BEFORE I ever started.

Those things that I aspired to do... it's who I am now.

Like I said... I'm not perfect.
As a matter of fact, it might be time for me to make a new list of things I should get to work on :)

But slowly... one choice at a time... I became a different person.
A better person.

And that is a good thing to do... whether one gambles or not.