Monday, December 24, 2007

I remember

I remember wanting to quit gambling so badly

but not wanting to quit.

I remember thinking that the mess I had made could never be was too bad, too big.

I remember thinking...what the hell? may as well gamble's already THIS bad....what's it gonna hurt...just a little more?

I remember thinking one else could ever have done one else could ever have been this bad.

I remember how ashamed I felt...who was I? what had become of me? how did this happen?

so many lies...

I remember feeling like I could not be forgiven...I didn't DESERVE to be forgiven.

I remember doing whatever I had to do to get home that my husband wouldn't get the mail.

I remember...I rarely ever LOOKED at the mail...I didn't open bank statements for months and months at a time.....I just piled up the mail...until one day...when late notices were rolling in and the utilities were about to be disconnected, I would sit down and frantically write checks....heart racing....freaking out about what I'd been doing...and the state of our finances.....I'd open credit card bills then...but only to see what the minimum amount due was...I never ever looked at the transactions....

I never really had a clue how much I was blowing...I didn't want to know....I couldn't bear thinking about it.....

I remember...on those days....committing AGAIN to stopping...I HAD to was so bad...

I remember...that resolve never lasted very long.

I remember sometimes thinking that...the thought of picking up...disappearing...starting over somewhere else...alone....with no one to answer responsibilities but mself.....I remember thinking that that sounded appealing.

I remember thinking that the only way out of this mess...for my family...was for me to die.

I remember thinking of ways that I could do wouldn't be as traumatic for my loved ones if it LOOKED like an could I do this without traumatizing my children too badly?


I remember how my husband looked at my the day that he found out...he was shocked, confused....hurt....I'm sure he thought "who the hell are you and what did you do with the girl that I married?"

He was angry.

He was very angry.

I remember thinking that things could never be good between us again...that we would never be ok.

Life is good today.

Life is not about finding yourself life is about creating yourself :)

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