The early days

What I'm doing is not simply stopping gambling.

If I were simply stopping gambling I wouldn't call it 'recovery', i would call it 'stopping gambling'.

There are many many things that compulsive gamblers have in common.

We are different....we each have our own personalities...our own sets of issues, etc...but...there are many many things that we do tend to share.

When I was gambling...I KNEW that I had a problem...I KNEW that I was accumulating tons of debt...did I know that it would come crashing down on me at some point?

I don't know...I mean...I guess...if one were to think LOGICALLY (which I was incapable of at the time) of COURSE one would realize that eventually they would be discovered and would have to 'pay the piper'...but to be honest...I just didn't THINK about it...hmmmm maybe I was living ODAAT way back then?

just...if i can hide this for one more day...just today...then all will be well....

My thinking was so skewed then.....and THEN...when it all DID come out...when I had to TALK about this...FACE the HORROR of what I had done...wow...I was devastated that I could've done this...that I was so stupid....and yet....I did not REALLY want to stop...

When I first stopped gambling I was a mess.

There was so much guilt and shame regarding the financial mess that I had gotten us into...there was no trust in my marriage...I didn't really feel 'safe'...I felt very very frightened...unsure if i would keep my family...and i was determined to stop...and yet...I STILL wanted to gamble.

After not gambling for a while, I started to build up resentments... I mean...I was doing GREAT!

I was doing everything I was supposed to be doing...I was doing the IMPOSSIBLE (not gambling) and yet...my husband still didn't trust me? and sometimes he would make comments that would hurt my feelings...and really make me angry...how DARE he?

Doesn't he see how GOOD i am doing? Doesn't he realize how hard this is and how exceptional I am??

No, he did not.

Because...all I was doing is what 'ordinary' people do EVERY DAY....all I was doing is what i am SUPPOSED to be doing.

Imagine if he came home from the office today and burst into the house all excited and said "Hey, Peg! Guess what! I went to work today! Aren't you proud of me?" and expected me to make a big deal of it....I mean...I'm GLAD he does it...but...I'm supposed to CELEBRATE it?

It was a difficult time for us...he was hurt and angry...and I was sensitive and vulnerable...THAT is when I decided that...my happiness has to come from within me.I cannot depend on someone else to make me FEEL good...or allow someone else to make me FEEL badly.

Emotions are a big issue for most of the cg's that I have met and talked with.G.A. says this is an 'emotional illness'.

I can remember a time...in my early twenties when I would cry at the drop of a hat...if I became angry, I would cry...if I was sad...I think I was always on the verge of tears..and I wasn't sure why. stress??

I had a high-powered career and it wasn't really OK for me to cry...competing in the business world..with MEN..who were older than me...I had to be an equal...I had to be BETTER than them to be an equal. I learned to choke back tears....hide my feelings...IGNORE my feelings.

Now I know that..just because we ignore something doesn't necessarily mean it goes away.ANYWAY...I knew I had to figure out this 'feeling' problem that I had...and...well, to tell the truth I STILL haven't 'figured it out'...but...I HAVE learned quite a bit about myself..and my feelings.I could spend the whole day alone..at home..cleaning the house or doing whatever...and..the slightest comment from him would set me off.That really wasn't fair to him.He is entitled to HIS feelings. He had cause to be angry...BUTI am entitled to MY feelings too...and I didn't have any reason to feel hurt..I had reasons to feel GREAT!!!

Look what I was doing!!!

soooooooooI decided to focus on THAT...on ME...on MY feelings...and not his...I started thinking to myself...all of the time...'I didn't gamble today'...I would be in the grocery line..and would smile to myself..thinking about how wonderful it was that I was 'doing the right thing'...I would think about it as I did laundry...cooked..ALL the time....I would smile....I didn't NEED anyone else to be proud of me...I WAS!!!

I was doing the right thing..and *I* knew it..and that's all that REALLY mattered.

once i started doing that...on the occasions that he would say something that I considered hurtful or ugly...or really, if he mentioned my gambling, or our debt..anything that would spark a bit of anger in me...I would NOT become defensive....I would NOT be upset with him (he is entitled to his feelings)...but I would smile at him (not in a sarcastic way...but very very sweetly...honestly showing my JOY...how HAPPY I was) and say "but I didn't gamble today" or "but I don't do that any more"....and I would go about my day...

I'm not sure how that made him feel...it's not my concern...but...eventually...those little comments stopped.

He never mentions it any more...never ever...

He doesn't PRAISE me either, mind you...and that's OK too...He doesn't understand.

He will never understand.

But that's OK...because *I* know how huge this is...

*I* know what a great thing I am doing

AND

I do not have to do this alone.