A long way to go....

  

So much of my recovery is about changing who I am.

 Or

 Not so much *changing* who I am…not really….

 It’s about…discovering the ‘real’ me.

 Finding peace, happiness and joy within myself…….realizing that it’s always been there…I just didn’t KNOW it….I was taught..or somehow I came to believe that things were going to make me happy.

 People, possessions, achievements.

 And there is a degree of happiness in those things…

 But…I have a wonderful family…truly….and yet…I still ended up escaping into my addiction….I obviously needed more.

 I worked for years… dedicated to my career…to being the best….and I did beautifully…I made a lot of money…I had much respect….

 I had a big social circle and lots of nice ‘things’.

 But then…it’s like….ok….this is good…but now what?

 Those things can bring MOMENTS of happiness…or even weeks….and occasionally months of happiness.

 But…none of that can bring lasting happiness.

 Everything is always in a state of flux.

 Things go well.

Things go badly.

We have successes.

We have disappointments.

 And…while those things are good…great even….I have come to believe that….in order to be truly happy….I have to find that within myself.

 I have realized that….my family….is lovely…is wonderful….and all of my ‘stuff’…and my successes --  fantastic…but

 I have to stop looking outward….

 The things outside of me…..are never enough….we want a spouse….if and when we get one…we want children, and a house..then a bigger house, a better car…

 Or clothes

Or shoes

Or….a new boat

Or..WHATEVER it is that peaks our interest….whatever the ‘stuff’ is that we think will make us happy.

 My ‘stuff’.

 I’ve talked about it before….how much I’ve accumulated….how difficult it is for me to let go of things…what if I NEED this one day?....or…that has SENTIMENTAL value…

 It’s just stuff…..

More and more, (ever so slightly) I am able to rid myself of a few more things…it is a process…a slow one, for me….

 Letting go.

 

So I’m doing so well…..life is beginning to make sense to me…it no longer feels like my existence is pointless and painful…

 I no longer ask myself…’why go thru it?  For what?’

 I am learning acceptance….among other things…and acceptance….is huge….so important to this healing process…

 

And then

 

Just when I think I’m doing so well.

 Life throws me a curve ball.

 A test, if you will.

 Or…maybe just a ‘reality check’….to show me that…I may be doing much BETTER…but I’ve still got a long long way to go.