Maybe I wasn't really THAT bad....

I have been away for a few days.

There was a time when this….any break from the ordinary routine, would have me in a panic.

I mean…the mail for one thing…..it was always an issue.

If he had opened a bank statement or any one of a dozen credit card bills….h*ll, *ALL* of our bills were late…him opening ANY piece of mail would have been tragic.

Or payday loans…what if one came due while we were away?

There were so many things to worry about back then.

I thought that gambling was fun.

It was…sort of.

I mean….not ‘fun’ really…but it brought me pleasure.
It brought me relief.

But then….
Afterwards…
There was so much pain…so much anxiety.

Even a big WIN couldn’t really fix things after a while..I mean…couldn’t fix the anxiety… the stress level was so high…NOTHING in my life was O.K.

Everything had spiraled so far out of control.

But…

After a while….once we break free….and some time passes…could be a week, a month…or YEARS later….but…at some point…most of us begin thinking ‘was it really so bad?’

I mean….when I was attending meetings in 2002….not the FIRST meetings..NOT the meetings that I sobbed through…not the meetings where I was unable to speak…I could barely BREATHE for crying…not those.

But…once things started to improve a little.

Once…the bills were beginning to get caught up…or at least paid in a timely fashion….and…my husband and I were beginning to have some periods of time where we actually had fun together…where he wasn’t so angry..at least he wasn’t angry ALL of the time…

Once I wasn’t CRAVING it so badly….

And I’d be in those meetings….and someone would come in…a new person.

In many ways…seeing those new people was helpful…I could relate to their pain….I could remember when I felt that way…

But sometimes…people would come in…and their story would be worse than mine.

Maybe they stole from their employer.
*I* had never done that. (of course…taking money from my husbands wallet wasn’t quite the same as stealing..was it?....or all the times I’d lied to get money from family or friends…forgotten)

Maybe they left their children alone so they could play. I would NEVER have done such a thing! (Of course….the many hours that my children spent with baby sitters…or all of the times that I picked them up late..from EVERY SINGLE THING that I ever had to pick them up from…..or the events that I missed…dropping them off and having some excuse for why I couldn’t stay….minimized all of that)

Maybe I wasn’t THAT bad.
Maybe I had exaggerated things.
Maybe….maybe I was just a *PROBLEM* gambler…and

Ya know…there were a few things that that yellow book (g.a. combo book) said..that just didn’t apply to me.

Maybe….
Maybe……now that I had my head on straight…and things were calmer…and I UNDERSTOOD so much more about my gambling problem…maybe *NOW* I would be able to control it.

Even now…sometimes…I start thinking…maybe I really WASN’T that bad.

That is why it’s important for me to change my LIFE.

Because…..even if I WASN’T ‘that bad’….

I have decided that gambling really GIVES me nothing….it only TAKES…so..
Even if I COULD gamble ‘normally’…I really..really don’t WANT to.

Besides…

I *WAS* that bad.

It absolutely was that bad.