Monday, July 7, 2008

I continued to gamble -- More of my story

My Story - the beginning is here...

The progression is here.

Then.....The confession……

and Gamblers Anonymous


So I had a 'disease'...I was 'powerless'....

I had an excuse.

I continued to gamble.

I was attending g.a....and I continued to gamble.

It wasn’t easy….I didn’t have access to money…..and my husband was watching me like a hawk.

A few times…he went out of town…left me cash to buy groceries, etc…and as soon as he left for the airport I was gambling.

You know how that ended….I *NEEDED* that money…I had to account for every penny….so I *HAD* to win.

I didn’t.
So I gambled more of it.
Then more.
Til it was gone.

Then I panicked.

I called someone at g.a.
She said she wouldn’t loan me money…but she would buy the groceries.
No help.

I called a friend.
She still talks about that day.
I recall it, of course…but…I cannot imagine what I must have sounded like.

I scared her.
She was at the hospital..her brother and sister in law were having a baby..she was there with the family….
I was frantic.

She told some lie to her family and met me outside…I picked her up…drove her to the ATM where she withdrew the cash and gave it to me…I took her back to the hospital.

To be honest…a whole lot of that time is a blur to me now.

I remember…returning some bags to the dry-cleaner…I had a deposit on them…twenty dollars, I think…gambled that.

Change…any change I could find…I would bring to those change counting machines at grocery stores….get bills…and gamble that.

I had a $20 allowance per week…it was to cover ALL of my personal expenditures. I gambled that too.

On July 5th, 2002…nearly three months after I’d confessed…I was talking to my husband on the phone.
He was out of town.

We were talking about our finances (it was the only thing we talked about for a long time)….

I said “will you ever be able to forgive me?”

He said “just get well. If you will get well..I can FORGET about it.”

HUH?

“You can forget about it while we are still in debt?”

He said “JUST GET WELL.”


Suddenly….I thought….maybe things COULD get better?

He SAID they could??

I could try.

And so I did….

7 comments:

tim said...

thanks for sharing - sounds awfully familiar.

apple eyes said...

Your story is almost exactly like mine. I lost my younger sister and my mother in a very short period of time and was devasted as a result. I already had the gambling problem but the losses just made it worse. My husband often works out of the country and this gave me lots of time to blow my whole paycheck and all of the inheritance money that my mother left for me. My husband is at the end of his rope and I am sick of the losing, losing, losing and the hatred of myself. I am going back to GA because I dont know any other way to get help. Thanks for your post.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing...I am 53,I have spent most of my retirement savings! I don"t know what I can do when I retire.Every time, I came back from the casino,usually after gambling 7-12 hours and have no money left, I felt stupid and depressed.My gambling problem started when my then common-law husband had an affair with a woman who was 15 year younger.We have a vacation home, about 1.30 hour away and cross the border in the USA.He would stayed there with this woman.I didn't find out the affair until his friends couldn't kept it away from me any longer. I moved out and felt angry, lonely, stupid (How could I missed all the signs that he had an affair!!) and depressed. This was 4 years ago.I am now renting. Yes, I have all the freedom in the world, I don't have to answer to anyone, I can go to the casino any time I want to, but now I am using credits to gamble...I can't live like this any longer..I have to stop and start my life again before it's too late. I am a successful professional, I am not going to let him laughing at me, telling me that I deserve to be broke and lonely....I have to stop...I am looking at the webs to find a site which is truly helping people who have gambling addictions. I am not going to GA meetings, that's not an option for me. If anyone out there who knows a good web site, please let me know.
Thank you, Peg....I hope you stay clean.

Jaylene said...

Thank you so much for sharing your story. It could so easily be mine with just a few changes. I have been in counseling for 14 months and gambling free for 10 months now. One foot in front of the other and one day at a time.
There is life after gambling.
God Bless.

tina said...

I just found this site today, 3/8/2011 and we desperately need this, to air out, on this site. I have had other addictions, pot, which currently still do and drinking. I was going to AA meetings for many years and I have not drank, I think it has been (2) years, but I have a severe gambling problem now. This has been the ugliest addiction I have ever had. I dont even know how and when it started, but I know it has been several years. I have lost thousands and in the year 2006 had to file bankruptcy. I want to stop. I can not take this pain anymore, it is making me sick. Going to the Indian casinos use to be a get away and it has become my worst nightmare. It has destroyed me more ways than I can say. The ugly truth is I can not see myself not gambling. I have no hobbies and as much as gambling is destroying me I still want to gamble. I work and I have thrown away my paycheck so many, many times, thinking this time it will be different, I can stop and I never can. I have become a liar, cheat and thief behind this. Anyone who is reading this, we need God to intervene, all resources have failed me, God can if I let him. I have lived a lie for too long, it is literally killing me. I have gone to a few GA meetings, dont feel too comfortable their, I am use to AA meetings, but I need to hear other people with the same problem. I am in fear for my life and I say this because the damage that I caused behind gambling. I got on this site, because I just got a call from a creditor and her voice scared me, that I owe some money and I dont remeber what it was, but I got so scared, I humg up on her. I know from hearing in the GA meeting, we have to face our creditors. I have said enough for today, but I WANT MY LIFE BACK. I am so glad I found this site, only people with a gambling problem, can understand. God be with us all and protect us. Thanks for being here. Tina

Anonymous said...

I read your story with heart stopping interest, and all the comments. I know exactly what it feels like. I stopped for two years and then started again and am now struggling to stop. Thank you, my sisters in struggle, for sharing so honestly. I will keep coming back to this site.

Anonymous said...

Just read your story and i wonder are you still free from gambling? i have been gambling for 7 years now and i do not no what sparked it all i no is Ive had times where Ive been able to stop gambling and other times when i am totally gripped by it like right now as i write this i am struggling to resist the urge to gamble but i goggled gambling problems and stumbled across your story so for now at least i am stopping myself from gambling.......