The difference in me...

It's good to be home.

It's always crazy when we're trying to get out of here, ESPECIALLY when the boys aren't going with us....they each went in different directions so I had to pack separately for each of us.

It aint easy, but I usually do pretty good.

This time...I forgot my meds.

I've discussed my views on medication before...here.

I am not a doctor and I'm not implying that anyone in the world should be on medication....except me.

and if I ever doubted it before....geez...

So...over these past 21 months I've learned a lot of new 'skills'....

When I begin to get anxious, I can usually calm myself down.
It's pretty easy to keep things in perspective...when someone makes me angry or things just aren't going my way....I can usually respond in a fashion that is relative to the situation.
I usually feel OK-not GREAT...but OK.

So I forgot my meds...and....I didn't think it was a big deal...I forget to take them from time to time.

It was a big deal.

Putting my finger on precisely what I'm feeling isn't easy for me to do....I've talked about that.....it's not easy for TWO reasons....first...I'm just not that in touch with my emotions...but SECOND....It's not easy for me to say...I'm not OK....and I wanna talk some more about that soon...

but for now....how I was feeling --

I'm struggling here.
Lack of confidence? that's not it exactly....but....ahhhh
that FRAGMENTED feeling....like....I'm just not together...I don't feel whole.
ok-I'm not doing such a good job here...

I was easily irritated -
Insecure-
Worried about what other people thought of me....sometimes obsessing over something that I said or did....after the fact...little things...that are really NOTHING at all...but didn't seem that way at the time.
Obsessing...yeah....I did a good bit of that.

Lack of confidence was NOT a good term...I felt like I looked good...and we were with a large group of people...I knew very few of them....and at a few functions we needed to mingle...and I have no idea how to do that with complete strangers....after a few days...I knew more people....no problem...

LOL -- wait....
after a few days???
I'm just realizing....ahh...after my girlfriend overnighted my wellbutrin to me????

The improvement wasn't immediate....the second day back on them I was feeling like myself.

NORMAL.

I know I've done a crappy job of trying to explain how I felt without it...but

I didn't feel OK...and I didn't ACT like myself --

what I *CAN* say...with a great deal of certainty is...

When the chemicals inside of me are not in balance-even all of the skills and tools that I've learned are of little use to me.
I canNOT relax.
I canNOT calm myself down.
I canNOT keep things in perspective.

and even when I *KNOW* that my feelings are inappropriate (like...getting really irritated about very minor things)...I am not necessarily able to temper my response. In fact...I was RARELY able to temper my response.

I can liken it to.....
I *KNOW* how a sober person looks and acts...but...
if I get drunk...
I couldn't think and act like a sober person....no matter how hard I try....
it's just not possible to do when I'm chemically 'altered'.

It's good to be home.
and to feel normal again.

If...my thoughts on the physiology of my addiction were just THEORY before....it's not just theory any more.

If I had high blood pressure or high cholesterol, I'd take medication to control it....so I could be OK.

This is not a 'happy pill'....it doesn't solve anything at all....I was on this medication for a long time and remained active in my addiction.

But

when I got to a place where I was really able to try this....and to start learning about the common things amongst us....
when I decided to start learning ways to address those things...so that I COULD change the way I think and live....

my medication enabled me to implement those things more easily.

If I had to....could I do it without meds?
I do not know.

I do believe there are ways to alter our brain chemistry via thoughts and behaviors (gambling sure did it!)....so perhaps I COULD do this without medication...

but....I'm not gonna try.

I see no need to try.

but that's just me :)