A shift in perception...

There's more to it than just going to meetings...or just being a nicer person...or just deciding to do the right thing.


There's that pain.....the stuff that we weren't dealing with BEFORE we began gambling.


For me...just talking about those things changes me.



WEll...I've talked about them before...but...when I USED to talk about my 'stuff'...I was making a CASE...I wanted to be RIGHT..and I needed whoever I was telling my story to...to be on MY side...to understand WHY I felt the way that I do...and to recognize that I was JUSTIFIED in feeling whatever it was that I felt...hurt, betrayed, angry...WHATEVER.

drama


I needed drama.....so I CREATED drama sometimes.


being rid of my stuff.....is about getting it out.....telling the story...WITHOUT the drama...WITHOUT...wanting to be RIGHT.



The fact is...if I feel angry or betrayed..or WHATEVER....

it really doesn't MATTER if I'm right or not...*I FEEL IT ANYWAY*.


and



it benefits me...to find a way to let it go...and move on.


Some things are easier to do that with than others.

I mean...there have been times in my life when I was REALLY REALLY ANGRY at someone....and I'm not angry at them any more.

I let it go.

The thing is....some of my 'stuff'...I'm not really clear on.

Isn't that something?

I don't even KNOW what it is that is hurting me.

There are worksheets for working Step Four (of the Twelve) ...but....I've talked about it before....what that step is about...is getting down to the CAUSES AND CONDITIONS.

If I identify a resentment....
what I need to do then...is not focus on what the OTHER person is doing (which is what I tend to do.....justifying my feelings)....
what i need to do is
figure out....what in me make me feel this way?

Some other person....might find themself in the exact same position and not be bothered at all....what is it about ME...that makes me feel this way?

I have a friend...a compulsive gambler who has been free since Christmas 2007. We were chatting the other day (he has given me permission to share this story here) about the fact that....he has a place to live, with internet access...all of his needs are taken care of....he didn't always have those things.

Recently, he's been camping a lot.
Going out..into the wilderness...sleeping under the stars...cooking over a fire...he feels FREE....at PEACE....
he sort of needs it....to get away from LOL life...
but he has a choice now...he is out there...but he has the option to go 'home'....and have tea :)

so we were talking about this....about how much he enjoys it...being out there....how peaceful it is....
and he starts reminiscing...about...when he was sleeping outdoors 'before'.

he says 'believe me, there is nothing worse than being outside, alone - cold - hungry - and nowhere to go'

"but this time....helps me to understand...that what seems like hell can actually be heaven too. It's perception."

"It depends on you."

"Inside you."