Shaken

So I received a phone call today from an old timer at my g.a. group.

I haven't attended a meeting since November of last year.

Honestly, I sometimes think to go...mostly because there are a few people there that I really like...and I don't see them otherwise....

but then...going...gets harder and harder to do..the longer I don't go.

anyway...he called...to check on me...said people had asked about me recently...if anyone had heard from me - so he called.

that was very very nice of him.

he asked how I was...'great!'...he asked if I was still clean 'yes, I am'.
he was surprised.

i told him that I still do my online stuff.

'you know those really aren't meetings?' he said.

I laughed...'yes....they ARE meetings....they just aren't *GA* meetings!'

'right' he said...'they don't count'.

:)

lol

I'm thinking I will try to go this week...on Thursday...I'm not quite sure why.

I have attended meetings at different times, for different reasons.

I've attended meetings in order to help me to not gamble.
I've attended meetings because I needed a place to 'talk' about this stuff.
I've attended meetings because I thought if I didn't go regularly, I might gamble.
I've attended meetings...when I felt like I really didn't Need to be there...but that....my presence might help someone else.

I'm not sure why I am thinking I will go.

I don't feel like i NEED it....although I did have an 'experience' last night.

My son was competing in a sports event, so I stopped at a daiquiri shop to pick one up for my husband and myself...it's a local place that has three machines..I used to play there a lot.

I've gone in a handful of time (to get daiquiris) without any sort of problem...well....a few times I've seen people playing...you know...press the button press the button press the button press the button...they don't even look up when you walk in...they are in the 'zone'....and I have felt glad that it wasn't ME sitting on that stool.

so I walk in last night...and two machines are empty...a woman that I 'know' is playing...she is facing the door and sees me walk in...'hello' we say to one another, but I don't stop to chat...I walk up to the bar to order the drinks...and the woman at the machine hit's the jackpot.
$500

she says 'you are good luck'
I smile...and say 'good'.

I get my drinks....hand the lady a $20 and turn around and walk out without getting my change...LOL
I realize it right away and go back for it.

as I'm leaving...I'm pondering how I feel.
I didn't want to gamble.
Not at all.
But I didn't want to be there....to watch a 'win'.

I was thinking...as I left....that...while she just won $500...it has been about 6 years since I gambled in that particular place...or since I've seen her....
and I wondered how much money she put INTO those machines during that time.

and how much time.

I'm glad she won.
I don't want to.
I don't want to press the button.

but still...the feeling that I had ...was...(I'm so bad at this)....i felt...shaken...as if I had been ambushed.

but I didn't feel resentful or deprived...
I was OK.

That is an experience, tho, that I could never share at a g.a. meeting...they would freak....
guess I understand why...I imagine many people have been in similar situations...and start doing the rationalizing thing....I've been there myself.

This truly is a 'baffling' illness-

but today I am good....as good as I've ever been.

I may attend that meeting Thursday...I'm not sure why...but I just might.