I gambled.

I was in a restaurant that had a machine.

I was with a few acquaintances...who don't know I am c.g.

I didn't play long...just a few minutes...just a few dollars....and...it was ok...i was in that 'zone'...when suddenly...standing next to me...is a woman that I know....who knows me.

I wanted to run.
to hide.
shame.
horror.
what had I done?
I'd done something 'bad'.

I was trying to keep it in perspective.
how big of a deal is it really?

I mean....if I am on a diet...and I am doing great...and I lose 10 pounds...then I wake up one morning and eat a donut...is it THAT terrible?

is everything that I've done suddenly un-done?
No...I have STILL taken off ten pounds....this donut...is just a blip.

I was trying to tell myself that....to be ok with it.
21 months I haven't gambled.
I would have to come here...
to you...
and 'admit' what I'd done.

what does it mean?
are we hopeless?
but....
this few minutes...this few dollars....isn't the end of the world.
damn
i didn't KILL anyone.

i was going back and forth...trying to comfort myself.....to keep it in perspective....but the shame....the regret was overwhelming.

and then...

I woke up.

and still....I had mixed feelings...took me a few minutes to understand that it was just a dream.

a nightmare.


tell me again??? WHY do I want to gamble?? do I ever want to feel that way again?

I don't.

not even in my dreams.