Saturday, July 12, 2008

I gambled.

I was in a restaurant that had a machine.

I was with a few acquaintances...who don't know I am c.g.

I didn't play long...just a few minutes...just a few was ok...i was in that 'zone'...when suddenly...standing next to a woman that I know....who knows me.

I wanted to run.
to hide.
what had I done?
I'd done something 'bad'.

I was trying to keep it in perspective.
how big of a deal is it really?

I mean....if I am on a diet...and I am doing great...and I lose 10 pounds...then I wake up one morning and eat a it THAT terrible?

is everything that I've done suddenly un-done?
No...I have STILL taken off ten pounds....this just a blip.

I was trying to tell myself be ok with it.
21 months I haven't gambled.
I would have to come here...
to you...
and 'admit' what I'd done.

what does it mean?
are we hopeless?
this few minutes...this few dollars....isn't the end of the world.
i didn't KILL anyone.

i was going back and forth...trying to comfort keep it in perspective....but the shame....the regret was overwhelming.

and then...

I woke up.

and still....I had mixed feelings...took me a few minutes to understand that it was just a dream.

a nightmare.

tell me again??? WHY do I want to gamble?? do I ever want to feel that way again?

I don't.

not even in my dreams.

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