Letter to a Friend December 2007

* printed here with permission from my friend

Powerless?
I am powerless over very little.
One thing I AM powerless over is gambling....once I start.
Today...I have power....I have lots of power.

you said 'i feel, i feel, i don't know what i feel'

THAT is what this is all about.

G.A. says this is an 'emotional illness'
that pissed me off the first time i read it...sounded like they were calling me a nut.

then....at safe harbor....i started learning about my EMOTIONS.
I almost never knew how i felt. First of all...I wasn't AWARE of my feelings...just didn't THINK about 'how do i feel?' and second...if I DID try to pinpoint how i felt...I did not know the word....even now, i struggle with it often (but I'm working on it...naming our feelings is important)....so now when i cannot find the word, i google 'feeling words' and there are a couple of sites out there with some great words..there are THOUSANDS of them...go figure!

this sucks in the beginning..for many reasons...in the beginning, there is an emotional AND a PHYSICAL withdrawal...and that sucks..we have to fight our way thru that...it's not easy, but it's doable...but then...the way i see it..there are two ways we can proceed (in recovery)....we can fight the battle daily, throughout our lives
OR
we can learn about it....change the way we think about it...change the way we live...and find JOY.

You end your note with 'i still dont know what to do, how to do this'

right now...the only thing you need to do is NOT GAMBLE.
to do that...just focus on right now...just don't gamble RIGHT NOW...maybe you will gamble tonight, maybe you will gamble tomorrow...NONE OF THAT F***ING MATTERS!!!! JUST DON"T GAMBLE RIGHT NOW.

for the next ten minutes..dont gamble...do ANYTHING else...just don't gamble....then...when time is up...say

ok
i can not gamble for 10 minutes...i just did that....maybe i will gamble in 20 minutes...but i can not gamble for 10...and DO THAT.

for 10 minutes find something else to do...ANYTHING else...but get thru that ten minutes.

that is the most important thing right now...just DONT gamble.

If you can get thru this...to another 'sane' time (and it will come....just hold on and it will come) then we will talk more and more about things you can DO (toward recovery).

this is going to sound crazy..but...I went thru hell...I am crying as i type this...just remembering what it was like...it was horrific...and...it's almost ?scary to say this...but...in a way...I'm sort of glad it happened to me.

I am learning how to live in ways that most people don't....I am not here to stop gambling...that is just one little bitty part of it.

I have PEACE...i have JOY....i am learning to accept people..i am learning how to REALLY live...most people...addicted or not...do not have this (peace..joy)...and...if i had not done this gambling shit...I wouldn't have had to go thru that hell..but...my existence PRIOR to gambling..it wasn't bad...it was ok..but it was no where near this GOOD.....I had to go thru THAT to be HERE..and HERE is pretty damn good.

you can be here...just don't gamble right now..just today....that's all that matters right now.