Rock bottom?

I hear people talk about having to hit 'rock bottom' before we can quit.

I've heard people say that we each have our OWN rock bottom (many of us have stopped without reaching quite the bottom that some others have).

but....in my OWN experience...having stopped twice....it was all very different.

the second time I was caught up in the cycle was very different than the first time...and the second time that I stopped gambling was very different as well.

Some might say that I wasn't 'as bad' the second time.
I might even say that.

Once I sat down at a machine, I was DEFINATELY as bad as I ever was....but.... I hid my gambling (both times) at all costs...and the SECOND time...I had little access to money...or methods to get it without being found out....so I gambled less often, and with less money.

I was pretty sneaky ....and did some stupid things...but...since I didn't have access to as much money

I gambled less

so I wasn't quite as 'insane' as I was the first time....

when I was gambling for hours and hours every day....or for a few minutes here and there, anytime I could sneak away.

The second time....I wanted it...I wanted it badly...but my whole world did not revolve around it.

I was not at rock bottom.

I wasn't GOOD, by any stretch of the imagination....but on 10-30-06 I was so much better off - in EVERY way - than I was on 4-15-02.

so

how?

I have spent so much time thinking about this....I mean...if we could put our finger on exactly what happens....why, when we couldn't stop for days and months and years....and then, we can....if we could figure out WHY....well...that'd change the world, wouldn't it?

and it's not about rock bottom.....at least it wasn't for me....not on 10 30 06 anyway.

for me....on that day....it was about...KNOWING that I could live a better life than I was living.

Really knowing It was possible.

in 2002...I didn't THINK I could stop, I didn't WANT to stop, I knew I'd never ever be satisfied with life if I could not gamble again...yet....I knew that I HAD to stop....if I wanted my family...and I desperately wanted my family....so I tried....and I did.

Several months later...it was difficult to believe that I'd ever felt that way.
I felt so GOOD.

Things weren't great between my husband and I for a long long time...but I was OK anyway....and he slowly came around.

I knew I'd never gamble again.
or
did I?

Actually...somewhere...in the back of my mind...I knew that I would....I *KNEW* that I would have to deal with loss (death) again, and when I did, I would have an 'excuse'. I'm sure that was in the back of my mind.

and of course it happened, and of course, I gambled.

that started my second cycle.

after two years of gambling....I found and entered safe harbor chat room.

I wasn't looking to stop.

I wasn't that bad!

I only went into the chat room because my Addiction Dr. had been pressuring me to get back to g.a. -- I argued that it took time from my family...if g.a. had meetings WHEN I WAS GAMBLING...maybe I could do that instead of gambling (ha!) but...night time meetings didn't fit into my life.---

that's true...but, really, it was just an excuse.

I didn't want to stop.

So he'd tell me to find something ONLINE.
He told me there were online meetings, I should find them, and get a sponsor.

I'd say 'OK'...then I wouldn't do it.

So I had an appointment with him soon...and I didn't want to hear him give me sh*t about not finding something...and I didn't want to lie...

so I googled 'gambling problem chat room'....and found safe harbor.

Like I said...I wasn't looking to stop.

But...when I entered...there were a hand full of people there...and we chatted for a bit...and

it was strange....even....in a CHAT ROOM....reading typed words on a screen....I could FEEL that...they were OK.

What I mean is.....sitting here....talking with them....was sort of relaxing...soothing....for a short time I was not my tense, anxious, stressed-out self.

and it sort of came back to me....what I felt like....when I'd stopped.....that 21 months that I didn't gamble....I was happy....and...hmmmm ?content??

like they seemed.

I sort of REMEMBERED that...the feeling that I NEEDED gambling to be happy was an illusion that disappeared a while after I stopped.

I had done it before.
I believed I could do it.
and that things could be better.

I had hope.