Insecure

I've been thinking about it.....if I had to just pick one word for how I felt last week....that would be it.... 'Insecure'

I didn't feel OK.
If I laid down to sleep, my thoughts were scattered and jumped around to all sorts of things.
Wondering if I said the wrong thing to this one or that....
I couldn't bring myself out of it.

Sometimes I had some relief....

Some of the things that lifted me...that made me feel like 'I am OK'...
I got a few emails from people who had just found the blog....and their notes were filled with hope. that felt good....like....somehow, somewhere, I make a difference....even if it's a small one

Then.....there was this lady...I met her at this function last year and I really liked her....her name was on the list of attendees but I didn't see her all week. The last night....the big function...she walks in (had just arrived at the conference) and comes over to me....it was good...it was obvious that she liked me too..was looking for me...we visited for quite a while and are going to stay in touch via email.

there were other times...
but
the point is
I was looking to OTHER PEOPLE to make me feel like I am ok.

Now...
today...

I know that I am OK even if you don't like me :)


but there's more....

there's the difficulty in sharing that.
it was so hard to do....
to tell you that I wasn't OK...
to acknowledge that I *NEEDED* to be validated by others.

it feels....weak??

vulnerable...that's what it is....

let's see...

if YOU know that I'm not perfect then...

then what?

no-perfect isn't it....you already know I'm not perfect...and I don't pretend to be.

aahhhhhhhhh

Strong?...yeah, sort of...

self-sufficient!

that's what it is.

If I am dependent on others for anything at all...I am vulnerable....and...when it is my SELF IMAGE that we are talking about...that's a pretty big vulnerability.

I don't WANT to care what others think about me.

I do less and less...but...last week...I did...and the feelings were pretty intense.

I imagine it's obvious that I'm working this out as I'm typing....and...I know why this started...this feeling I had to take care of myself in all things (and that I absolutely COULD)....

and there are tears....so I guess it's something I need to visit.