My story - confessing

My Story - the beginning is here...

The progression is here.


That day….

The weeks leading up to that day---

For a long time I was hiding things…MAIL for instance…



I guess I must’ve known that at some point it was all going to come out…


but…I’m not sure I really DID know that….it’s like…I didn’t WANT to know it…so I just didn’t.


But..those final weeks…leading up to that day…

I was beginning to understand that it was over….there was no more money…there was no more credit….and the very next time I had to come up with cash, I wasn’t going to be able to….or if he wanted to buy something on credit….a credit check would reveal everything.

I knew that it was coming……

I just didn’t know when it would happen….

it could be any day…

What was going to happen once he found out?

I’d probably have to leave my home.

He would hate me.

Who could blame him?

Where would I go?

Would I have my car? Doubtful.

I had started working part time a few years prior…so that was good.

But….all of the debt…there was no way I’d ever be able to pay it off.

Everyone was going to know….what I’d done…

I wouldn’t have my kids.

He worked so hard……he didn’t deserve this…..

None of them did.

I had a girlfriend….I could stay at her house…for a few weeks anyway. I talked to her about it.

I was losing everything I cared about.

The people I loved were going to suffer…a great deal, for a long time…maybe always.

Everything was messed up….beyond repair.

The only good thing…was that….I would be able to gamble…there would be no restrictions on my time….if I wasn’t living at home…I would have complete freedom to gamble…anytime.

But….facing this…admitting it….how could I?

And….we would never be free of the debt…the only way that I could think of…to get that much money…would be my life insurance…if I were to die…there’d be enough money to pay for what I’d done.

But how to do it?

To die.

I didn’t want to make a mess.

Maybe hanging.

But
I couldn’t allow my children to find me.

Maybe…I could call a friend….ask her to come over…then leave the door unlocked…

What if she didn’t come in when I didn’t answer?

And...if she DID.....Could I do that to HER?

And…even if my family didn’t FIND me….it would still be so painful for them…that I’d do that….

When the mail started coming in….he’d understand.

Maybe this wasn’t the way….maybe….if it looked like an accident….maybe in the car?....but what if I had an accident…and failed to die?

And....if I DID die....Could I do this to my children?

After all…
If my mom were still alive, I would likely not be in this mess….

If I were to abandon them,

and that is what I would be doing…what would become of them?

It was not a calm, rational decision…I was half-crazed…I was full of anxiety and really NOTHING was making sense…I had no idea what was going to happen…all I knew was that…my mother’s death had screwed me up….and I was 32 years old..and she died against her will….

I had two young boys and my dying was not an option.

So on April 15, 2002….when he called to tell me how much we had to pay in taxes…I didn’t have the money…or any way to get it.


I told him we didn't have it.

He didn’t understand.
He said I’ll call you back.

He did….he said…..’how much is our house payment? Utilities? The cars?’

I said…’just come home and we’ll figure it out’

He said ok.

The he called me back ‘how much is this? and what do we pay for that?’

It didn’t make sense…we should’ve had the money and he knew it.

'Just come home.' I said.

I started typing a letter…I could not speak the words.

I told him that I had a gambling problem…and about our debt….everything.

While he was driving home, I picked up our boys….they knew immediately that something was wrong…I wonder what I looked like that day….I was so scared….I took them to a friends house…I didn’t know what was going to happen at home…and I didn’t want them to see it.

I went home…to find him reading the note that I’d left for him.

‘Do you want me to leave?’ I asked.

He said no….

He was so confused.

And hurt.

And……we had only a few hours to mail the check….he called his brother to come get him….his brother loaned him the money.

I have never felt more embarrassed...and...scared, ashamed and alone….and hopeless.

The story continues......here