A few rough days

I started to write...about these past few days...about how... there's no particular reason for it...I just started feeling (ok..bear with me...I struggle with words for feelings)... alone, disconnected and inadequate.

Then....I start looking at myself..seeing things I don't like...and I start feeling ?embarrassed??

silly stuff really..but it doesn't FEEL silly.

anyway....my tendency is to withdraw..although I didn't withdraw completely...I have people..friends that I talk to...voices of sanity....

withdrawing completely...particularly when my thinking begins to go sideways, can be dangerous.

I think it'd be pretty easy to get back to a dark place without that...without people that I can talk to...to keep me from it.

I truly cannot do this alone.

And I've said it before....even if I could...why would I want to?

Anyway...I was saying...I started to write about it...then...I realized something...and I looked..and yes..sure enough...the day that I stopped writing was April 15.

April 15, 2002 was the day the sh*t hit the fan at my house...when my husband first discovered what I'd been doing..what I'd done..and how bad our finances..how bad EVERYTHING was.

I don't know if it's significant...I *DID* mention it to a friend...the 'anniversary' of hell-day...so I was aware of it.

who knows?

but

even my worst days now are better than my best days when I was in the cycle.