Hooking up

If you've been unable to break free...a 'partner' can be useful.

The first time that I stopped gambling...and that was so so so so hard for me....I had an 'accountability partner' --- it was my sister in law.

She is not a compulsive gambler and doesn't really 'get' any of this...but

she understood that, as ridiculous as it seemed to her....I was struggling....and we didn't really talk about the ins and outs of this...or...about ANY of the feelings around it really...but every day, I'd call her...and tell her....today is day 2, day 8, day 34.....

she didn't 'get' it...but...it served it's purpose.

If i gambled...i'd either have to LIE to her (and...I was trying really really hard not to lie any more)...or I'd have to try to explain it to her...which would be impossible....how could I explain it if I don't understand it myself?

sooooo

when I wanted to gamble....I would KNOW that I couldn't....because I had to make that damn call...but....I would just focus on RIGHT now....just don't gamble RIGHT NOW....get thru this ONE day so I could make this ONE phone call.

that worked for me then.

this time....was different.

I didn't really need to be ACCOUNTABLE, per se'...but.....I needed to stay GROUNDED.

This time....every morning...before I'd leave the house, I'd go into safe harbor chat room...talk for a few minutes.....to whomever happened to be there....some of the regulars...or maybe a new person would come in...in pain....and...when I walked out my front door a short time later...I was focused...on where I didn't want to be...as well as where i DID want to go.

and...I looked forward to 'chatting' there at the end of my day as well...and every spare moment in between for that matter.....

I was 'connecting'...LEARNING about this addiction...and talking to other people about...what they KNEW....what they'd DONE....and....it was also a place that I could talk about how I FELT.

How I felt..about whatEVER I was feeling...

about....gambling...or NOT gambling...or about...my work issues, or family problems...or even...WONDERFUL things that were happening to me...

I had a place to go....where....where I could talk about whatever I needed to talk about...or wanted to talk about...and...

in some ways...I was more free than I ever had been....it was the internet...I didn't have to SPEAK this stuff...typing is much easier for me.....PLUS...there's the anonymity factor.... that added a whole new level of freedom.

but then...I started making real FRIENDS online......so that....I still have the advantage of not having to LOOK at someone....and SAY things... I have the ability to hide behind my type when I need to
yet
I also have...deep, meaningful relationships...with people who understand me... well LOL...maybe they don't understand me....but they KNOW me....

Pain....it's back to that again.

Not only the pain of the past....I don't deal with that daily....I don't deal with it often...as a matter of fact...I just go along with life....attempting to be joyful each day....
but sometimes....things happen....that interrupt my joy...and when it does...I deal with it...right then....sometimes those things are occuring in the present....and sometimes...they reopen old wounds...whatEVER it is..whatEVER I need to deal with....I do.

I cannot do it alone.