Making things right --- my first time

The way to heal – making things right

It is NOT easy.


Twelve Step programs offer a few steps that aid in healing….in making things right…for example…

4-Made a searching and fearless moral and financial inventory of ourselves.
5-Admitted to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
8-Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
9-Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

There are even worksheets out there that will help someone in accomplishing these things.

That’s one way to do it..sit down…and start making a list….and I have done that…however…my step 5 was sort of like a catholic confession to a priest—“I did this and I did that and this happened and that happened and I resent this person because”

And …it didn’t really ACCOMPLISH anything.

Then….I have ‘worked step 4 and 5’ on a few individual things…with different people…some of them were…like chatting with a friend about your problems..and trying to come up with solutions…..that was useless.

But SOME of them..have just been AMAZING experiences….well…the actual experience itself was quite difficult and painful…and I wanted to stop as soon as I started and I wanted to unsay things as soon as I’d said them…but AFTERWARDS…..these…experiences…were about truly getting to the CAUSES & CONDITIONS of my feelings….and….once the fear and pain subsided….geez…it’s so hard to explain….I will give details later J but…. I was HEALED. NO sh*t!

But….

I definitely see the advantage in doing these things….in ‘making things right’…and I have reaped the benefits….but….I am not FORMALLY working any particular step at any particular time.

I address things….as they arise….

For a few months….I just had to focus on not gambling…and on my posts on the internet….I always ended with ‘I did not gamble today’….I just had to focus on that….just today…I may gamble tomorrow…I will just not gamble today….and I would go to safe harbor chat room…and talk about how I was feeling..urges..anxiety..whatever…

The more I hung out there….the more I heard about how important it was to be honest in all things (one among many many things that I learned)…so I began to practice that….being ‘rigorously’ honest.

And doing the next right thing.

And to try to relax…

And…to be serene -- the courage to change the things I can
The serenity to accept the things I cannot
And the wisdom to know the difference.

That was huge….the effect that these things were beginning to have in my life.

But I had something that was weighing on me…something that I needed to make right.

In 2002….just after the sh*t hit the fan at my house…my brother called…he was in financial trouble…and needed help.

Geez…how could I ask my husband to do this? I mean…we had it….temporarily anyway…and could loan the money for a short time..but…wow….to ask this..NOW? I mean…if I hadn’t done what I’d done…we could easily have GIVEN him the money…

I asked.
He was not happy.
He said that he needed the money back by such-and-such date (about two months).

Fine.

Then…we didn’t hear from my brother for a while.

He didn’t pay us back when he was supposed to.

I knew that…he wasn’t in touch because he COULDN’T pay us back..and was embarrassed…I didn’t want to call HIM….didn’t want to put pressure on…and we had gotten thru our deadline (barely) without the money.

Eventually I called…as a matter of fact, I think it was my husband who urged me to…saying something like “its silly to let money come between you”…don’t get me wrong…he WANTED the money back…and he was more than a little irritated at my brother…but….he is family.

A few years later, I begin to gamble again (long story…which I will share at a later date)…only this time, I didn’t have access to much money…not without my husband knowing…and I could NOT let him know.

My son…had some money…cash in his room…several hundred dollars.

I ‘borrowed’ it. I was going to put it right back.

Well…

Afterwards…I was –wow….i was so freaking out…how could I have DONE that?? It was my CHILD’s money…what to do? What to do?

And then I knew….my brother….

I called him…I told him what I’d done…and that I needed the money. NOW.

He got it for me.
That day.

All of what he owed me (which was more than I had borrowed from my son).

So I returned my sons money.

Then….I gambled the rest.

THEN

Several years later…I am ..well…I am living this new life…this life of doing the next right thing….and I know…that I must fix this.

We get together with my brother and his family often…my brother is doing well financially….they are going on vacations….buying new television sets…I know that my husband is thinking…what the f***?? But he says nothing.

It’s not ok…to let this go on.

I must fix it.

So….I am not gambling now…the money that I used to ‘sneak away’ with…I am putting aside….saving up…so that I can repay the money to my husband.

I was really proud of myself…that I could do that…I was walking around with hundreds of dollars in my purse…and was not even tempted…I was excited…I was doing the RIGHT thing….I was gonna make this right.

I saved for a few months. I was pretty close.

My plan was…to give the money to my husband and leave him with the impression (lie if I had to) that my brother had just given me the money now.

I am not sure what happened…maybe nothing at all? But one day…it occurred to me that…this was NOT making things right.

This was…making reparations to my HUSBAND…but

I owed reparations to my brother as well….his reputation…

I called my brother…and explained to him that…even tho he gave me the money a few years prior…my husband was still under the impression that he hadn’t paid…and that I was saving the money to repay it…told him what my plan WAS…but that…I had changed my mind…and was going to tell the TRUTH.

My brother said…it is ok…I didn’t have to do that. Just pay my husband the money and leave the impression that he is just paying it now. It’s OK.

It was NOT ok.

Even if it was OK with my brother….it was a lie….what about living honestly? How is this doing ‘the next right thing’ if I am LYING?

I remember that day…I didn’t have all of the money….My husband and I were in the living room….the boys weren’t home..we were alone.

I told him that we needed to talk.

I guess….that is a pretty scary thing for him…since 2002…when I say ‘we need to talk’… well..that could mean just about anything, in his mind.

So I tell him…my story….and I still don’t have all of the money…but here is what I have saved so far…and I will pay back the rest as I am able.


My story ends here….because at this point, I have made things right.

If my husband takes me in his arms and hugs me and tells me how proud he is of me and how much he loves me and that everything is going to be ok…..that will sure make my day easier…better.

If he gets angry…and yells…and throws things up into my face….it will hurt….it will make my day harder….more difficult.

But either way….I am OK….and I have made this particular incident right.

I cannot control how he feels or how he reacts.

The only person, place or thing that I can control is Peg….so that is where my focus shall remain.