Friday, April 11, 2008

My first g.a. meeting

I was thinking today...remembering my very first g.a. meeting....
my sis-in-law lived out of town and anytime that she'd come in for a visit, she and i would pull an all-nighter at the casino the night before she left...well this particular time..when we both had run out of money, we took a cash advance on our credit cards...

i pretended like i hadn't done it before..

she was very nervous about it (and i pretended to be) anyway...

we blew that and I STILL didn't want to quit.

she did.

we left.

that afternoon...she had caught her plane, my husband was at work and kids were at school, I attended my very first g.a. meeting.

maybe it was in 1999??

anyway...i cried the entire meeting.


i really didn't want to stop gambling.

I wanted gambling to stop hurting me.

I was hoping that when I attended the meeting, they would teach me how to control my gambling...

or that I could take a break for a few months....catch up on some bills.

or...that somehow at g.a....I could get a loan.

At that time...I had blown all of our savings (A LOT) and owed many thousands of dollars to credit cards.

I knew that I could never be happy again. I had done too much damage. I could not be forgiven..

what I had done could not be undone and it was not OK.

No one would understand.

*I* didn't even understand.

I cried and cried.

There were only a handfull of people in that room and no one else was crying...

the woman who was running the meeting had about 6 or 7 months clean, i think, and she seemed so HAPPY.

I shared with them that my husband didn't know and they all 'encouraged' me to tell him.


they're friggin out of their minds!!!

They don't know MY husband!!!

They don't know HOW MUCH MONEY!!!

then..happy lady is telling me that her husband almost left her, but everything was FINE between them now...look (she raises her hand to show me an emerald and diamond ring) she says 'he just gave me show me how much he loves me'.

It was ridiculous.

All of those people were ridiculous.

They did that..."Hi, I'm _____ and I'm a compulsive gambler" every time they spoke...we all held hands at the end of the meeting and said the serenity prayer together. Corny.

The ring..good for her...never happen for me...

I would never get another ring...another was over....he would hate me....if and when he found out.


this disease tells us so many lies.

not only does it tell us lies to get us to gamble:

'it wont be so bad''
"i won't spend too much"
''i wont stay long''
"if i win, i will leave right away"

it tells us so many other lies:

"those cg's...i am not like them''
"no way i can ever be happy if i cannot gamble''
"i am stupid"
"i cannot fix what i have messed up"

so so so many more...

and the biggie..

'i can not be forgiven'

or...'I am not forgivABLE'

the thing one can forgive me until i tell them what i've done...and..

the most important person that i need to forgive me....

is *me*

life is so good today.

love to all who read here.

you are not alone.

there is hope.


Gambler's Anonymous is not for everyone....and as corny as I thought it was, and as put-off as I was about the God-stuff...there was some comfort in being there....I didn't agree with a lot of what they felt good to be with people who UNDERSTOOD this....I was NOT ALONE...RELIEF...

If you haven't tried it....check it out...don't stay away based on anyone elses experience....

if you attend a meeting and you hate it...fine...but....if you have come to a point in your life where...the pain is so great....and you don't know what to do or where to turn.... give yourself the gift of attending...just one.

you deserve your whatever you have to have it.

No comments: