What other people think of me

Since I've been in recovery I've heard it said that "what other people think about you is none of your business".

Yesterday I said I care a lot less about what other people think of me than I used to.

I don't mean that I can treat people badly because it doesn't matter if they like me or not.

It means.... I will treat them well....because it is who I am.....and whether or not they like me is really of no consequence.

I used to care a whole lot if people didn't like me.

I needed people to like me even when I DIDN'T like them!

the difference is not in how I behave...but how I THINK...

I used to do the RIGHT things for the WRONG reasons.
now I do the RIGHT things for the RIGHT reasons (because it's the right thing to do!)

well

that's the goal anyway :)

Sharing that I'm a CG

When I first sought help for my gambling problem I was full of shame.

I had hurt my family.

I was out of control.

My thinking didn't make any sense (I didn't know any other young mothers who were watching the clock Christmas (every holiday) morning....anxious to go to the casino with the other family members who wanted to gamble.)

I didn't know any other mothers who couldn't go to the grocery store without stopping someplace to play video poker for a few minutes (which sometimes turned into hours).

Even if I wasn't so embarrassed about it...how on earth could I explain this to my friends (the few I still had).

At first, I shared this only with family members.
I had to do that..since many of them gamble...I needed them to know that I would no longer be going and why.

with time, I began sharing it with others...people who care about me....who would continue to care about me even if I had a gambling problem :)

the more people that knew, the safer i was.

but it's more than that.....
harboring a SECRET is painful.....
and keeping a secret makes it SEEM like it's shameful.

so now, it's something that I share freely.

my children didn't know for many years...but now I speak openly to them about it.

I am often surprised at how freely my husband shares this information...even with business associates....

I would think I might be embarrassed to tell someone that my spouse had a gambling problem.

he's not.

I'm not embarrassed about it anymore either.
Time heals I suppose.....

and I guess I care what people think of me a lot less than I used to.

Complete abstinence?

So I've been having lots of conversations with my children (18 and 16 yrs) about alcohol, drugs, addiction in general.

I strongly believe that what is wrong with me is not 'compulsive gambling' or 'gambling addiction' but ADDICTION.

I say that even tho I am not a drug addict or an alcoholic.

I do believe that not all addicts are like me....some people are 'normal' until they get hooked....usually on some highly addictive substance like crystal meth or heroin.

but folks like me.....I believe that there's something about my genetic makeup that makes me more susceptible to becoming dependent on some substance (or activity).

I believe that my children are more susceptible too.

So we've been talking a lot...

One of the things that I've explained to them is why I choose not to gamble at ALL. for ANYTHING.

Now I know that there are compulsive gamblers out there who manage to gamble on this or that (not thier 'drug' of choice) without any real problems....and I believe that's fine if it works for them....but it doesn't work for me.

here's why;

While I have gambled in a variety of ways over the years...my 'love' was slot machines and video poker.

I know that playing a football pool or buying a lottery ticket doesn't 'do it' for me (no instant gratification).... so those things are 'safe' for me to do.

and they really are.

except

I have a brain that wants to be high.

even tho I don't want to gamble...I don't want that life...I really have no desire to gamble at all...

somewhere inside of me...there is a part of me that sort of, kind of, does.


so

if I were to buy scratch off tickets (I am speaking from experience here)... I might be fine.
maybe i would buy them occasionally...no problem

except...that part of my brain that always wants to be high, regardless of what the rest of me wants....

THAT part of me starts saying things like "ok....stay away from slots and video poker...but you could go to the casino and play blackjack...that would be safe just like lotto'

you see where this is heading.

I choose not to do things that give that voice power. any sort of gambling at all does that (for me).

So a big part of staying 'sober' is learning how to be smarter than myself (the part of me that DOESN'T want to be sober).

ANYWAY....

since gambling has caused such awful problems in my life...it is a no-brainer that I've got to do everything in my power to stay clear of that.

but what about alcohol? drugs?

as I said, I haven't 'crossed the invisible line' with anything other than gambling...BUT...

I am very careful with (potentially addictive) medications and alcohol.... because occasionally that 'other' part of my brain will speak to me about these things too.

I'm not going down this road again.

So my teenagers think I'm just an old fogey...they roll their eyes when we have these conversations (ummm when *I* have these conversations)...
but that's OK.

either...none of this applies to them...and they will never understand what I'm talking about (this would be my preference)...
or....
if and when they ever struggle with these things...maybe something I've said about my own experience will be of help to them at that time.

For me, maintaining my freedom from gambling means staying away from ALL forms of gambling.

Life is so much better when we stop gambling.

"Life sure does get better when we stop gambling."

I hear that over and over again from people in recovery.

and they're right.

but does it mean that life is easy?
that we don't have problems?

sheezzz...i wish.

often...when we stop gambling our life is in shambles.
relationships are a mess.
finances are a mess.
mentally-- i was hanging by a thread.

Now, nearly four years on (can I possibly have done that?...not gambled for nearly four years?)... some of my relationships are great.
some are still a mess.

some of that isn't my doing....but things aren't good just the same.

my finances aren't so great, but it isn't due to bad behavior on my part....my husband and I have been very responsible and got everything back in order....but things happen...unexpected expenses arise....so financially we are struggling BUT.... we ARE able to take care of these unexpected events...painful as it is.

No, life is not rosy -- but

is it supposed to be?

there've definately been times in my life when things were going pretty well...but that doesn't seem to be the norm...whether I'm gambling or not.

so while I still suffer from time to time with anxiety, depression, relationship and financial problems....

NONE of those problems are as severe as they were when I was gambling.
I am not sneaking and hiding and lying and full of guilt with that constant chatter in my head that doesn't allow me to rest...ever....

while I DO have problems, there are also moments when I am able to relax...and enjoy myself....times when I can put my problems aside and just BE.

I do that when I'm working...when I'm physically active....I forget about the b.s. and just DO what I'm DOING (gardening, cleaning, etc.)

I do it when I'm in good company...visiting with friends and family...laughing, talking...being in the moment.

I suffer (emotionally) when I am idle...alone...with time to worry.
but it's nothing like what was happening inside of me when i was gambling.
well...WHILE i was gambling I was fine.
it was AFTER gambling that the mind chatter started.

I wonder how many folks relapse because they are under the impression that if they stop gambling life will be wonderful.
wonder why anyone would think that...I mean...life wasn't wonderful BEFORE I started gambling.

Recovery, for me, includes learning to deal with life, whatever it throws at me.

and while life still isn't EASY...it certainly is BETTER now that I'm not gambling..
at least I'm not ADDING to my problems by gambling....
and frankly....while I'm active...tho I BELIEVE that it is fun or that I love it and/or need it.... all gambling really does is add to my problems.

so yeah...even with all of the pain...Life is still better now that I'm not gambling.