Recommended Reading

Aside from the GA 'combo book' -- the little yellow book that my g.a. group read at the beginning of every meeting.....some of the other literature that has influenced my thinking and my ability to break free and stay free from the cycle of gambling are:

Sober for Good by Anne M. Fletcher -- New solutions for Drinking Problems-- Advice from those who have succeeded. Get sober with or without AA - You can quit on your own - You don't have to call yourself an alcoholic - You may not even have to quit altogether

Now...this book really appealed to me....especially the part that I may not have to quit altogether. I do not have a problem with alcohol. It is something that I can easily put down...but I do believe that what is 'different' about an alcoholic (as well as other addicts) is the same thing that is 'different' about me....we just found a different method of .... um.....soothing? ourselves.

I imagine there are some people out there who have gambled out of control and who can manage to somehow regain control of it. I am sure that I am not one of those people. After several attempts at it.....I now believe that I can live THIS life or that OTHER life (living in the cycle of compulsive gambling-obsessing over gambling when I'm not actually doing it --- and compulsive gambling).

So I fall into the category of 'I have to quit altogether'.......but I did find a lot of good information and inspiration in the book.

I think the author also makes some very good observations on why the traditional 12 step programs do not work for everyone.

Many Roads, One Journey, Moving Beyond the 12 Steps by Charlotte Davis KASL, Ph.D. -- "while many people find twelve-step programs invaluable, countless others find that the traditional focus on conformity, humility, and personal failings is counter to their tremendous need for self-affirmation and community support in overcoming issues of child abuse, sexism, racism, poverty and homophobia."

The author of this book has developed the 16 Steps of Discovery and Empowerment:


1. We affirm we have the power to take charge of our lives and stop being dependent on substances or other people for our self-esteem and security.

Alternative: We admit/acknowledge we are out of control with/powerless over _________ yet have the power to take charge of our lives and stop being dependent on substances or other people for our self-esteem and security.

2. We come to believe that God/Goddess/Universe/Great Spirit/Higher Power awakens the healing wisdom within us when we open ourselves to that power.

3. We make a decision to become our authentic selves and trust in the healing power of the truth.

4. We examine our beliefs, addictions, and dependent behavior in the context of living in a hierarchal, patriarchal culture.

5. We share with another human being and the Universe all those things inside of us for which we feel shame and guilt.

6. We affirm and enjoy our intelligence, strengths, and creativity, remembering not to hide those qualities from ourselves or others.

7. We become willing to let go of shame, guilt, and any behavior that keeps us from loving ourselves and others.

8. We make a list of people we have harmed and people who have harmed us, and take steps to clear out negative energy by making amends and sharing our grievances in a respectful way.

9. We express love and gratitude to others, and increasingly appreciate the wonder of life and the blessings we do have.

10. We learn to trust our reality and daily affirm that we see what we see, we know what we know, and we feel what we feel.

11. We promptly admit to mistakes and make amends when appropriate, but we do not say we are sorry for things we have not done and we do not cover-up, analyze, or take responsibility for the shortcomings of others.

12. We seek out situations, jobs, and people that affirm our intelligence, perceptions, and self-worth and avoid situations or people who are hurtful, harmful, or demeaning to us.

13. We take steps to heal our physical bodies, organize our lives, reduce stress, and have fun.

14. We seek to find our inward calling and develop the will and wisdom to follow it.

15. We accept the ups and downs of life as natural events that can be used as lessons for our growth.

16. We grow in awareness that we are sacred beings, interrelated with all living things, and we contribute to restoring peace and balance on the planet.

Charlotte Kasl, PhD. copyright 1991 (materials must retain copyright if reproduced)



Kasl emphasizes that her criticism of AA is tempered with the knowledge that Bill Wilson was a product of his time - Depression Era America - and she appreciates his 'open-mindedness, creativity, flexibility, and willingness to change' but by contrast, many AA loyalists offer pat answers, closed minds, and dreary rhetoric. She says that AA is based on a sin-and-redemption philosophy: "You're a sinner and you have to make up for that for the rest of your life. There's nothing about love and trust, there's nothing about validating your strengths, about celebration, about joy".

Author and psychologist Jane Middleton-Moz, who has been treating Native Americans and other 'minorities' from addictions for 25 years says, "For people who have been oppressed for years and years - generations, actually - to say, "I am powerless" or "Turn it over" is to say something they have felt their whole lives."

In contrast the 16 Steps are a positive, flexible and holistic self-support alternative that offer support for a wide variety of quality of life issues, such as addiction, codependency, abuse, self-esteem, personal empowerment, and more. 16 Step groups encourage us to... "...celebrate our personal strengths, have choices, stand up for ourselves, heal our physical bodies, express our love for each other, and see ourselves as part of the entire community, not just the recovery community."


Questions and Answers on Addiction by Howard Wetsman MD-- "There are two main points to this book...the first is that addiction, not alcoholism or cocaine dependence or compulsive gambling, is the disease that requires medical attention as opposed to any particular behaviors patients or their families find troubleing. The second is that addiction usually causes symptoms before the troubling behavior started and will continue to cause symptoms after the behavior stops..........the illness does not go away with the drugs. The new science that has emerged and continues to be discovered tells us that this brain disease is a chronic progressive condition that requires care throughout the life cycle much as does diabetes, asthma, and hypertension....This is a hopeful time for the treatment of addiction, and that hope is what this book is about."

I've mentioned this book on my blog before...it was written by the dr. that treated me for addiction and I believe that he helped me to save my life.


Excessive Appetites - A psychological View of Addictions by Jim Orford -- this is actually a textbook that a friend recommended to me. it was quite expensive but (now that my financial situation has improved) was worth every penny....the author offers a different model of addiction, and believes that" with alcohol, Excessive Gambling deserves a central place in our picture of the addictions."


That was the first time I'd heard that. Most addiction treatment centers, except those solely dedicated to compulsive gambling, do not treat, or do not know HOW to treat compulsive gamblers....the fact that we don't actually INGEST something to get us high, actually makes even other addicts not able to relate to us.


These are just a few of my personal favorites....there are others that I may mention from time to time.

Peg

Hitting Bottom

A few months ago I wrote a post on Safe Harbor, and someone pointed out that while I listed my date last gambled as 10 30 06 --- in my post, I mentioned that I hit my personal rock bottom on 4-15-02.

Isn't that something....one of the worst days of my life.... one of the SCARIEST days of my life..... and yet.... even after that, I continued to gamble.

Well...it didn't happen exactly that way.....and it's a little complicated..... I did stop gambling (although not until July of 02) for nearly two years.

and then, I went back.

Now some people might say that I started up again because I wasn't attending meetings or working my program....but then....I've seen lots of people who go to meetings all of the time....and have a sponsor and are working the steps....and they relapse.

so it looks to me like....it isn't that uncommon to relapse, regardless of what we are doing.

for ME.... relapse (which implies that there has been a bit of clean time) is a DECISION to return to gambling.

I firmly believe that when I was caught up in the cycle, the ability to DECIDE whether or not to gamble eluded me. I could not choose not to. I was driven to it.

But....

by educating myself about what is wrong with me (and I do believe that my brain is a little different from the folks who can walk into a casino and leave when they want to...and do not crave to return)..... and by finding other people who can understand me (because people who are not like me can NOT understand....it's just not NORMAL to be this way).....

maybe the most helpful thing for me was finding people who seemed 'normal' (free of the cycle) now...but by listening to them... it was clear they understood me...they had been thru it...they had been there...they had suffered as I was suffering....financially, emotionally...yet.....they were free....and ok.

could I be ok again?
some of the stories of the folks who were ok sounded as bad or worse than my own story.

and they were ok.

I clung to those people like a lifeline....
for me, those people were online, but it really doesn't matter where one finds them...in a treatment facility, the rooms of g.a., anywhere....but finding people who 'got me'....who could point out my 'thinking errors'.....or....who would just listen...and understand.....who could share their stories....of what they'd been through...and HOW they'd broken free.

In those days my level of anxiety was extreme.

My whole world was crashing in. My finances were a wreck....my marriage was crumbling.... I didn't even know who I was any more.

I didn't see any way out of the mess I'd created and I seriously thought that taking my life was the only way out.....

but then...I found people who had been there....and were ok.

some of them still had a lot of debt....but they were living their lives.....taking care of things, not running from them....getting second jobs.... they seemed...calm...relaxed....unlike the turmoil that was going on inside of me.

Ya know...I've also met a lot of people who have managed to stop gambling...and I don't want to be anything at all like them LOL.

but that's their business...not mine.

I sought the people that inspired me.....people who made sense when we chatted.....

but I didn't start doing that until 10-30-06.

finding out how to take care of myself.

when I first stopped gambling in 2002.....I always knew...in the back of my mind, that I would gamble again. I didn't know when.....maybe it would be many years from now...maybe not so long...but I know when I had a good enough EXCUSE...that I would return.

and that's what I did.
after nearly two years of not gambling...sometime in 2004.... I was suffering.

I had lost a baby....I was helping to care for my father-in-law who was dying....I was trying to care for my own husband and children, I was physically and emotionally exhausted.....and hurting.

who could blame me?

so one morning..when I had a bit of time...I stopped...I knew I couldn't hurt myself badly...I didn't have much cash, and while I had earned enough trust to have a debit card, my use of it was monitored closely by my husband.

but I was sneaky...and found was around it.....so, I was right...that morning, I didn't hurt myself (financially)...I stopped...I gambled the money in my purse...and left.

and I didn't go back for a few days...or mabye a few weeks....but it had begun again.
I was back in it.

and it grew.

I gambled in secret for nearly two years.
while i did over extend myself (and made payday loans and borrowed money from friends and family) I did not reach the level of insanity that I had in 2002.

Part of that was because I was monitored closely and REALLY did not want to get caught by my husband....part of that was because I had educated myself (somewhat) during my initial clean time.

Now some people will say that it isn't important why we gambled.

And maybe it ISN'T important for some people.

But it was (and remains) MY belief that....knowledge is power....and while UNDERSTANDING addiction/compulsive gambling alone is not going to keep me safe....that knowledge is a big part of why I am still free today.

more later.
xo

I'm back.

Wow!

I can't believe I last blogged in January.

The truth is....the past couple of years I've had some things going on in my personal life that I did not feel free to share with the world.... there are other people involved.... and I respect their privacy.

One day, they may or may not choose to share their stories...but it is't my place to do it.

And....this whole blog has been about...dealing with LIFE....not just stopping gambling...stopping gambling is NOT easy...it sucks...but the REALLY hard part is to deal with the day to day crap that the world throws at us.....and to continue to choose to live gamble-free.

Many times I've started to blog, but it was very difficult to do....without talking about the things I don't feel free to discuss....so I'd scrap it.

and....the 'stuff' isn't over yet....but.....my life today is not ALL about that (as it has been for a very long time).... I am actually beginning to live MY life again.

most of the time LOL

Anyway...I don't imagine I'll jump right back into writing daily....but....I'm back.

I'm doing well....still gamble-free.

I hope you are too....and if not....you can be. know that.

Love,
Peg