Goodbye 2012

Ahhh... it's New Years' Eve.

Most people who voice an opinion on the matter are usually all about "I'm soooo glad this year is over...I hope the New Year is gonna be better."

I'd never really given it any thought...until.... one of my friends' shared this snippet... that said... this New Year, why not set a jar aside, and every time something good happens, write a little note and drop it in the jar.  Then NEXT New Years Eve, you can recall all of the wonderful things that have happened during the year.

WOW.

that's different.

so I tried to see how many good things I could recall off the top of my head...mostly they're big things... more like a gratitude list.

but there were many many good (little) things that happened.  And probably BIG things that just don't spring to mind.

that's a shame.


Anyway, back to the jar.  I've heard of people having a resentment box....where you put (or burn) your resentments...and that might be really helpful to some, but it's not something I need.  but THIS....this is cool.... to SAVE memories of the LITTLE things.  The GOOD things.

I am thinking.... if I REALLY get committed to this, I am gonna need a pretty big jar.

what a nice thing to think.

I'm sure a jar of bad crap would be of sizable proportion too!  lol

but I don't want to keep a jar of the bad stuff that happens.


OK....so.... my facebook post says;

"We are SOOO doing this at our house!!
ok-in truth;
 
*i* will be the only one to put anything in the jar...

and by feb 1,  I will make mental notes to put things in the jar (because im busy), but will never actually get around to doing it.

Gonna give it my best shot tho! "


Just for fun....the next day, yesterday, I walked into the kitchen and mentioned it to my youngest son..."what do you think?"  he said "ummmm, I don't think I'm very fond of that idea."

i laughed.
I KNEW i would be the only one to put anything in the jar.

my husband is sitting in the kitchen and he starts WHINING that I put that on facebook.
huh?

he says... that I don't need to be sharing our families business with the world.

uh oh

lol

Jeez... all I did was say that they wouldn't participate in my jar-thing.

He says I said that everybody in our house is a piece of shit except me (*i* will be the only one to put anything in the jar).

I certainly did not mean it that way...but now I'm thinking that if he ever DOES read this blog, I'm in big trouble.

I was actually considering 'coming out'.
you know...posting a photo....doing away with the anonymous thing....but I think I'd better keep it this way.
for now.

If you haven't already stopped gambling, today is an excellent day to do that. 
Your independence day...... 12-31-12
nice ring.

First note that's going in our jar:    I'm blogging again.

Yep, that's a good thing.

I had a lot more to say, but the guests that were supposed to come celebrate with us cancelled due to not feeling well..... and have just called to say they're feeling better and will come if we'll still have them, so I've got to run!

Happy New Year Everyone!
Love,
Peg


P.S.
Later, when I told older son about the jar, he says "hmmmm.... whatever.  I'll do it if you really want to." 

He said it with the same enthusiasm as my younger son ("I'm not really fond of that idea.")  BUT... 
he'd do it for ME.

Growing up  ;)

OK, I'm back.

In more ways than one... I'm back to the blog...but, more importantly, I'm back to being ME.

I've got some co-dependent issues that I need to work on, but for some reason the past few months have just been... mostly stress-free.  Lots of things are LOTS better.... but there are still lots of things that are not ok.

Usually, that means *I* am not OK.  but I am.  the difference is me.  attitude.  perspective.
anyway...more on that later.
maybe.

I've got lots to talk about...I've been in bed with the flu since Christmas, and I have had quite a few sleepless nights...racing thoughts, anxiety.  ugh

mostly I am able to manage that if I just catch myself....and remind myself that

all is well
and all is well
and all is well

all of those mental lists that I'm creating of things I've neglected to do and must get on RIGHT AWAY... I won't even recall half of that crap when I wake up (if I ever fall asleep)...so just RELAX....  let it go....and know that all is well.

usually I can do that.

I was thinking about that.
how that anxiety/racing thought thing (a friend calls it our 'monkey-brain') always happens (to me) at night.
or usually at night.

yeah....when I'm busy, I'm focused on a task, I'm not anxious or nervous or fretting about nothingness (or fretting about important things even!)  I just do what I'm doing...and THINK about what I'm doing.

It's when my mind is idle...when I lie down and there's no plan for the brain, it's just empty space and monkey brain takes over and I can't sleep.

That happened to me a lot more often when I was gambling.
Back then monkey brain wasn't usually making lists of things I needed to do, it was FREAKING OUT...about the BANK ACCOUNT and the CREDIT CARDS and please don't let anyone get to the mailbox tomorrow before I do.
still...useless crap to be fretting over.

ya know there are studies about how laughter affects your body physically.  good stuff.
i wonder how bad that monkey brain stuff is for you.
i imagine it's awful....

stress...yeah....it can take a toll on a body.

but ya know

in 2002 when I was at my 'rock bottom' I was pretty damn stressed.  for a really long time.... but I got BETTER.  and when the STRESS got better the SYMPTOMS brought on by stress got better too.

gotta find what works for you to control stress.

gambling sure will contribute to your stress level.geez.  yeah, if you're gambling, I'd say the first step to reducing your stress level is to find a way to stop.

maybe that's why you're here.

The holidays are wonderful.
I love Thanksgiving.  It's my favorite.  It's MY holiday. 
Everyone comes here....my husbands family and mine....and I cook more food than we could possibly consume...and we enjoy one another's company.  truly.

We have different days and nights that we gather over the Christmas holidays too.  nice.

BUT...I know that holidays are not all cheery and pleasant for everyone.
They are a very depressing time for many.
Plus....lots of people take unused vacation time, and if you're a cg, you may spend that time blowing all of your money..... so even if the holidays themselves were ok.....the time/gambling/money can put you in a tailspin.

when I used to attend GA meetings, the rooms usually had newcomers on Mondays.... and lots after holidays.

Gambling was one of our holiday traditions.
If you've read much of the blog you alreayd know that.... after Christmas dinner (or whatever holiday we were celebrating) most of the adults would go to the casino for some 'fun'.

what a nightmare.
just sitting here....writing...brings back so many memories, feelings.

what are the feelings now? 
It's no longer shame really (THANK GOD!)
I'm not embarrassed
I'm gonna give that some thought.
put a name to that feeling.

the feeling that I get when I recall memories of Playing my tape which is some powerful shit.... I do still have feelings.
i gotta give them words.


ok, what else, I've started reading a book that I want to talk about a little.... I'll give a complete review when I finish the book (I haven't had much time to read as of late)...but there are some concepts intrudoced that really struck a chord for me.... book is "Almost Addicted:  Is My (or My Loved One's) Drug Use a Problem? (The Almost Effect) by J. Wesley Boyd MD PhD.

yep.....we'll talk about that next time.  soon.

and.... if you're struggling right now....or have relapsed..... or just need help finding your way out of the damn hole.... what a great time to reclaim your life.   I once met a lady whose clean date was July 4.  Independence day.

I guess all of us with a clean date could call that date our Independence day.
I think I like that.
I shall begin that practice as of this moment.

If you haven't stopped gambling yet, make TODAY your Independence Day.

Be well....
much love,
Peg

Hello again.

It's hard to believe that it's been over a year since I've posted to the blog.

I've started writing a few times....but it's so hard.  This blog has been about my journey, not only to stop gambling....but about living my life afterward.... without gambling ever being an option, regardless of how crappy things get.

And while I am more or less anonymous..... I don't think I ever plan to delete this blog, so unless google does, or the internet dies..... I suppose it's gonna be here for a long time.

My husband and children know that I blog (or blogged)....but no one has ever expressed an interest in reading it.  I'm not really sure how I'd feel if they did.  I'd let them, but it'd be weird.

But I imagine that someday one or all of them will.  Or people that know them will....and will recognize that it is 'us'.

I've shared many personal experiences here, including stories that included family members, but the past few years my family has been through ummmm quite a bit of ... errr stuff.... that I really DON'T feel free to discuss here. 
Because it's not all MY story.

sure....what I'd share would be what's going on from MY perspective....but this is big stuff and sharing it would cross a line into other people's personal business.....so I've just abandoned the blog really.

That was pretty tough.... this was maybe the most important part of my recovery....this blog....all of you....the emails, notes of encouragement.... and the opposite too....the notes from people who were at the depths of despair who were in dire need of encouragement....  all of that was so important to MY recovery.  ahhhhh  and you kept (keep) me accountable.

it would be really hard to tell my husband that i slipped or relapsed, or whatever, but he loves me and I know that somehow we would get through it (ugh....how painful that would be).

but I have been your cheerleader....I keep screaming at the top of my lungs YOU CAN DO THIS (and if you haven't already stopped gambling, I tell you, you CAN!!).....   
I should think if I were to come here and say that I gambled.....ever......it sort of negates all of that cheering.
I dunno, maybe not.
But I don't want to ever have to do that.  Come here and say that I've gambled.

So I guess, even tho I'm not active here, even tho I'm not writing.....I know you're here....and I'm still accountable to you...thank you for that  ;)

I really wish I'd kept a diary these past few years.  Not a blog...just a personal diary....wow, maybe the old fashioned kind, that one would actually write with a pen in a blank bound book.   You know...to document all of the crap that we've been through (from my perspective) that I can't share with the world.  Maybe some of my family members would be interested in reading that someday too.  My spin on that.

ha.  probly not.

It's just kid stuff.  Well, they aren't kids any longer.  They're 19 and 20.  and we've been through a lot of stuff that is NOT minor by any means. 

And it's not all over, and I'm not sure that everything is going to turn out exactly the way I want it to.

But today.... we are all still breathing, and this is not the worse day we've had, by any means. 

My health has been really bad.  Was scary for a while... I've been checked from head to toe.  all is well.  It's got to be the result of living under a great deal of stress for an extended period of time.

Things are getting better around here, my stress is less...I'm feeling better.  Go figure.

This has probably been the most difficult three years of my life.
and I'd been through some hard times before....but....nothing....NOTHING...compares to this.....

and gambling was never an option.
lol --- I was pretty depressed at times and I considered running away....and once or twice the thought of just ending it all looked pretty inviting.....but I never considered gambling.

I don't know how to explain that.

I've gone from....feeling I could never stop, I couldn't live without it, or at least I could never be happy without it.

and now..... it is just not something I consider doing - ever.   I don't crave and fear it, I simply reject it.  it's no longer attractive to me. 

I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing.  I just know it's a bad thing for ME!

One month from today I will be six years gamble free.  So hard to believe.  yet..... it isn't really.  in some ways, it seems like much longer than that.  In some ways....it seems like a lifetime ago.

In some ways, it has been.

If you're gamble free, even for a day..... hang in there....just today.....

You deserve your life.......and you can do it.

Much love,
Peg