One is too many....

So I was browsing old blog entries and I saw where I wrote about dual addiction (and smoking) on Jan 2, 2013.

I'm sad to say I'm struggling to quit smoking, yet again.

I started as a teen... then, in my 20's, I quit.

I stayed quit for seven years.

Then... in the final weeks of my mothers' life... I picked it back up again.

And smoked for years...again.

Then, in 2012, I finally freed myself.

And I stayed free for over a year.

Then... last summer... I did a stupid thing.

and I couldn't stop.

It's crazy... because I was soooo happy to be free of it.
It's a nasty thing to do... I know this.  And it's harmful in many ways, blah blah blah

yet I smoke.

I have decided I'm going to quit this week.
I'm going on a trip this weekend with non-smokers, so it should be easy.  (easier).

So I decided that when I finished the pack I was smoking, I was done.

But I was out this morning and I bought another.


So, I've finally come to accept that I am NOT one of those people who can just 'have a cigarette or two' when they are drinking... I am addicted to nicotine.... and if I pick up a cigarette, I fall right back into my addiction.

So now I must quit again.

I know I can.
I have done it before.

I also know that it's a mind game.
I need to decide to choose that I am really really done.
and be done.
and do whatever I need to do to stay done.

Hell, if I can quit gambling, I can quit anything.  Yes?

I don't ever want to have to quit again.
Not smoking... ESPECIALLY not gambling.

"One is too many and a hundred's not enough."

My way

I can't gamble...Ever.

After several years of abstinence, I thought I could control my gambling.

I can't.

I'll always be an addict... but I no longer suffer.  Gambling does not control me.  Fear of gambling/the need to abstain no longer controls me either.

Gambling was once the center of my life... then, for a time... my life revolved around NOT gambling... but now, I actually HAVE a life.

Gambling is not a part of it.  Struggling to keep from gambling isn't a part of it either.

For me, NOW... recovery means LIVING... becoming the best ME that I can be.

In my despair, I finally reached out for help. 

I was looking for someone to teach me how to CONTROL my gambling... Techniques that would help me to STOP when I was winning... I did NOT want to hear that I could NEVER gamble again.

That was unthinkable.

When I finally decided I was REALLY ready to stop... I wanted a set of instructions.... and there ARE some really good suggestions for achieving/maintaining abstinence... but it's not a real clear.. do THIS and then do that and all will be well.

There's a lot to it, and while others can guide and teach you... you really have to, ultimately, figure it out for yourself.

Because it's about LIVING.

Still.... I wanted those instructions... something I could do right away... and I wanted to see some progress.

I did tons of reading and research and I decided that working on my 'character defects' was something I could do RIGHT NOW.

I'm not sure that character defects is the reason I'm an addict.  That would mean I'm an addict because I'm bad.

Everyone has character defects.

Are 'bad people' more likely to be addicts?  I don't think so.

BUTTTTTTT... if I decided not to lie, not to steal (I did... from my family... using money that should have been spent on other things, even though LEGALLY I had a right to it)...

If I just decided to do the NEXT RIGHT THING... then I couldn't possibly gamble.

Because gambling is never the right thing (for ME) to do.


I see people who are fighting to not gamble, sometimes criticize people 'in recovery' stating "I want to RECOVER... I don't want to be IN RECOVERY for the rest of my life"  or they state that people "in recovery" have traded one addiction for another...

I say, who cares what they do... if that's what they need to do to not gamble/to have their life... YAY THEM!!

I just know what I want MY recovery... MY life to look like... I don't have to call anyone else's way 'wrong'... it's just not MINE.  If it's working for them, it cannot be wrong.  It's right for them :)


Some of those people "in recovery" will say that I am SO VERY WRONG... and that you can't pick and choose how you want to recover... that you must do this and that...

and to them, I say,  'OK'.


Then I live my life...my way.


xoxoxo