Gambling is now officially an addiction?

When I first started blogging I was trying to figure out what the HELL happened to me.

The lying, cheating, stealing woman I had become was so far from who I really was or anything that I'd ever done.

I was a stranger to myself.

In the midst of my gambling, I couldn't see it... I mean, I was aware that I was lying and cheating and stealing and neglecting my loved ones... but my brain was making all sorts of justifications for it.

You know.

Anyway... once I acknowledged that I wasn't OK... I was trying to figure out HOW this happened?  It was insane.

ANDDDD... I needed to know that I could get better.

Could I?

I was told will power wasn't enough.

If WANTING to get better isn't enough.... then WHAT IS?
What do I do?
Can I do it?
Has anyone?

Then I started finding information... AND I was referred to a Dr., who taught me that I had a BRAIN problem.....

I spent lots of time researching that... and withdrawing.... and trying to LIVE WITHOUT GAMBLING.

And eventually I got to a point where I don't NEED to be online hours every day... trying to get better.

I'm better.

Which means I get to LIVE.

Does 'being better' mean that I can gamble now?
For me, it means it doesn't matter... I don't want to (and I'm sure I cannot, by the way).

It's still a part of who I am.... this happened to me, and it was HUGE... I gambled away too many years and more money than I can count.... I shall not forget.  ever.

But I don't know what's going on anymore.
I don't google it.
Don't follow the news.

I'm doing other things.

So someone commented on my previous blog and  shared  an interesting article published in Scientific American in October 2013 which states that as of May 2013 Pathological gambling has been moved to the Addictions chapter in the DSM-5 (previously it was classified as an 'impulse-control disorder')

 http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/how-the-brain-gets-addicted-to-gambling/


Thank you, quiet, for sharing that.

And to you, dear reader.
You are not bad.
You are not stupid.
You are not weak.
You are not alone.

YOU.
CAN.
DO.
THIS!

Who are you?

There is no way we can start something new without getting rid of something old.

There are 24 hours in each of our days.

Every moment is filled with SOMETHING.... so if we're gonna start something new.... what will we stop doing?

And.... if we STOP doing something... what NEW THING will we fill that time with?

That's a big problem for many of us when we begin the process of stopping gambling.

Our routine is to spend quite a bit of time doing this thing... and now.... we are trying NOT to do this thing... but what to do with all of that time?

Everyone's circumstances are different, but often times, we have isolate ourselves for awhile... and/or have pissed people off....
AND... generally, when we begin the process of stopping gambling, we are broke (or beyond broke).  We don't usually stop until we must.

So that's tough.  We've got no money and we've got no friends.... and we're looking for something to do.

oh... plus... we feel like SHIT... because we're just waking up to the fact that we've made a mess of things.

and having no money and no friends and nothing to do will really make you want to gamble when you finally DO get your hands on a few bucks.

hugs.

it's hard, I know.

So.....

I have an idea.

It may sound ridiculous, or boring at first... but hear me out.


My husband started on the project over a month ago... and *I* thought it was ridiculous and boring... although HE would sometimes get quite excited about it (I have seen others do this as well from time to time and have never understood it).... and then, one night, I decided to help him for a bit... and OMG... I was hooked.  (I'm obsessive, OK?  You should know that by now.)

I'll get all excited sometimes and share something with him... and he said the other day "Why is it that when *I* was doing this, it was silly... and now that YOU'RE doing it, it's cool?"

:)

So yesterday morning I was thinking about this 'project' and how it's affecting me.  And it IS.
And that is surprising.

I feel more

well

important?

no, not important.
well, sort of important.

but... connected.
sort of.

Lots of things really, but it's hard to put words to it (at least right now).

Lots of feelings that I really could've used when I was beginning to stop gambling.  Anytime really, but particularly then.

But.... when you sit down to do it... it is interesting and challenging and rewarding and it takes TIME.

AND... if you have funds, you can do it better.... but without money, you can still do it.... AND... you just might be able to rekindle some of your relationships in the process.

We are tracing our family tree.  Genealogy.  Ancestry.

If you can go back to 1940 or so (manually)... you can find stuff on the internet prior to that.

Well, depending on the people, you can find all sorts of things at any given time... and some people... almost nothing (or nothing at all).

I've traveled down a few wrong paths... and right now I'm questioning one that I can only get answered through a family member (and there's only one family member left who can help me).

Some of my ancestors are actually documented in books... founders of this country.
Some fought the Indians.
They fought on both sides of the civil war.
Some were very poor.
Some owned slaves.
Quite a bit of secrecy.... young women going off to different states to deliver babies that they gave up for adoption.
A divorcee' that called herself a widow on the following census.
A widow who was so hurt (and/or angry) by the way she was treated by her in-laws after her husbands death, she changed the way she spelled her last name (dropped the silent E at the end) to symbolically remove herself from their family.

When I'm researching... I pick a person and I start to dig.
Sometimes I come up blank, sometimes I learn TONS of things (especially if someone else on the web has already researched this person and made their info public).

I like it when a person has lots of info available.  Photos.  Stories.

It doesn't really mean they lived a more important life than someone who isn't well documented.  It only means... that someone who knew them still had their info and for whatever reason has taken the time to gather it (umm... in some cases now, that person is ME)... and put it on a public family tree.

There are some really awesome people on my tree that I can't find ANYTHING on.

Their lives were no less amazing than some of the well documented lives here.... but their 'block on the tree' would make it seem so.

Every one of them matter.
Without them I wouldn't be here.
Maybe our country wouldn't be here...
But surely I wouldn't... my children wouldn't.

Pluck one of these people out of the picture and how would the world be different?

Maybe.... it gives me the same sort of feeling I get when I stand at the shore, feet in the sand, looking out over water that seems to go on forever.....

Like I'm very small and insignificant.... and very big and important at the same time.