Suicide

It's not a subject I have taken on here before because I'm just not qualified... and 'we' are too fragile... and..well... I don't want to say the wrong thing.

But it appears that Robin Williams has done it.


I'm really struggling with this post... I keep typing and deleting.


The only time I have ever seriously considered taking my life was when I was gambling and I couldn't stop and I was ashamed and so regretful of what I'd done financially to my family.

But I REALLY considered it.  Planned it.

I NEVER would have thought that *I* would have entertained such thoughts.
No one would've.

But I was SO ALONE.
Oh, there were people all around me.... but I wasn't with them.

You know.

And.... I really didn't see much point in going on anyway.  Not for them... certainly not for ME.


I am telling you that things change.
Circumstances can change.
YOU can change.

and you can feel differently.
you can feel better.
you can be happy.


I know.  I wasn't sure that I even WANTED to back then.

But life is worth living.
Maybe not the life you're living right this minute.

But there are so many possibilities for the future.

Reach out.
Alone is too lonely.
You are worth it.

You.
Are.
Worth.
It.

Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

List of Worldwide Suicide Crisis Lines http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines


Online Crisis Help

https://www.imalive.org/

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/gethelp/lifelinechat.aspx


Much Love,
Peg

Looking back...

One of the reasons it was so hard for me to stop was because by the time I *HAD* to, my life was a complete wreck.

I had isolated myself from the people who cared for me... and those that WERE still in my world, I had used and/or deceived in order to gamble... OR... I had just neglected them a great deal... so now that I had TIME for them... I was too ashamed to reach out and say 'OK, I'm ready to be me again'.

so I was alone.

And I didn't really have money to do things.... so... if I wanted to 'make up' with someone, it's not like I could call and say 'hey, let me take you to lunch...let's talk'.

I was constantly thinking about how bad everything was.  My financial situation, my relationships.

It was depressing.

Oh, but I knew how to feel BETTER!  Or rather, how not to feel at all.

Hey!  And maybe I could improve my financial situation at the same time?!

Right.

It was NOT easy to break free.
It was a mind game.
Or a mind WAR really.

And I wanted immediate results... 'I'm doing the right thing!  My world should be better... my life should be easier...it isn't fair!'

But then things got good for a while.
Or.. better anyway.

And then... I wasn't gambling... and some really BAD shit happened in my life.
Bad.
Hard.
Scary.

Then more bad stuff.
Then more.

Then things got good.

Then bad again.

Now they're good.

They will get bad again... then good... then bad... etc.

because that is what life is.

But not only did I get through the bad times (somehow)... I was present and able to deal with things.

I can even now say, that as painful as it is, that I became that person that I was when I was gambling... I am glad it happened... because the growth that occurred in the aftermath enabled me to deal with the things that were to come in a much better way than I might have otherwise.

We don't get to choose lots of things in this life... but some things we DO get to choose.

We get to choose who we are going to BE.

And that is a lot.

Do the next right thing.
Then the next.

xo

On being alone...

I've been thinking about this a lot lately.

These days I go through some periods of time where whatever responsibilities I do have, don't require me to leave the house much.

It's a pleasure to not have to work full time outside of the home.... not have to deal with traffic... or even get dressed if I don't wanna!

And I don't live alone... my husband comes home each evening around 6... my (now grown) children live here and are in and out of the house.

But I have a study just off of the master bedroom.... and that's where I tend to spend the majority of my day when I can.

It's nice.  Beautiful even... a space created by me, for me, and I enjoy living in it.

However, even though I know that I should 'enjoy my own company' blah blah blah... I often find myself feeling very 'disconnected' and alone.   No, lonely.

I'll check facebook on and off throughout the day... and people are doing things... and I don't really feel a 'part of' any of it.

It's somewhat surprising (to me) to think that someone like me... with many acquaintances and quite a few very good close friends... and also a pretty close-knit extended family, can begin to get depressed in my alone-ness, given my circumstances.

And it IS a form of depression, in a very real sense.  Sometimes worse than others.

Then... I'll suddenly have a day where I need to get out and accomplish some things in the world, and I'll get dressed and put on makeup and go do my thing.... and even if I'm very very busy at home....
I FEEL better.

I get busy and I don't know (or care) what's going on on face-book... I'm just doing my thing...living my life.


When I was working full-time out of the house I could not have comprehended this... I SOOOO needed down-time.

And I still look forward to the days that I have down-time and can stay home.  But having too many in a row isn't so good for me, I think.


It's quite different, but it reminds me of the time, after having quit gambling...when I didn't have anything to fill the time that I had previously spent sitting at a machine.

For so long, I had abandoned my friendships for gambling... and suddenly I was alone.

It is so important to fill our time... to busy ourselves with something meaningful to us.

For a while, after I stopped gambling, having newfound free-time, I decided to volunteer at a Hospice Organization.

That was sad and hard... but it also felt good.
To make a difference for someone.

If you've got time on your hands and are trying to figure out how to fill it, I highly recommend volunteering somewhere.

Actually... I have lots that I SHOULD be doing (around here)... I just sometimes lack the motivation to begin :(

So I'm going to take my own advice now and get busy.
You matter.
Me too :)