Becoming a better person.

When I was trying to stop gambling, I read a lot.

I was trying to figure it out.

How to save my life... because if I didn't stop, I was going to lose a lot more than my money.

I was going to start losing PEOPLE.


I was already lost.


I had to find myself again.  BE ME again... but how.

So I read.


A lot of people talked about wanting to be their 'old selves' (pre-gambling) again... but I figured... the OLD PEG ended up gambling... I didn't want to be HER again.

but who?


The 12 stop programs talked about eliminating character defects.

Now... that seems strange to me... on the one hand... saying we aren't bad.. we're sick.... but if you get rid of these bad qualities or tendencies, you'll be better.

I pondered that a bit... but what DID make sense to me was....

If I am a person who doesn't lie... if I am a person who doesn't steal... If I am a person who consistently respects my relationships... I CANNOT gamble.

So I went to work on those things.

No lies.
No gossip.
Be kind.

Now I'm not saying I'm perfect.
I'm not.

But when I identified a behavior of mine that wasn't attractive... I 'put it on the list'.

and slowly... I began to work on those things.

I say slowly because... I didn't just wake up the next day, after having identified these things, somehow different.

But day-in and day-out (yeah, one day at a time)... I refused to lie.  I did not gossip.  I chose to do the 'right' thing. 

Now I'm not sure when I actually BECAME different.

But I AM.

I recently attended a workshop that happens to be geared toward actors, but I can see how it would benefit any human being, that is geared to 'give you vocabulary' to describe yourself and is primarily based on how others see you.

While reviewing the cards where people had given me feedback about my personality.... which included statements from people in my life who know me well... I realized how different this would've looked both WHILE I was gambling and even BEFORE I ever started.

Those things that I aspired to do... it's who I am now.

Like I said... I'm not perfect.
As a matter of fact, it might be time for me to make a new list of things I should get to work on :)

But slowly... one choice at a time... I became a different person.
A better person.

And that is a good thing to do... whether one gambles or not.

When we seek help

Just an observation...

people who are trying to stay gamble free do not tend to fill the rooms of g.a. just before a holiday, anticipating that they may need the strength to get through it.

they may even, in large numbers, start feeling a 'pull', and thinking about what's coming (gambling).


but the rooms tend to have a lot more people in them just AFTER a holiday.

or on Mondays rather than Fridays.


Why do we not seek help/strength BEFORE we hurt ourselves?

Because we don't want anything to 'get in our way'.


We show up AFTER we have done the damage.
We show up in tears, in shambles... in shame.

It's a brain game.

And if you don't want to call it a disease or an illness...
frankly that's OK with me...

but SOMETHING in our brain is COMPELLED to keep us in it...

and something ELSE in our brain... knows that we must STOP... and we must do everything we can to empower THIS thing... to help it get stronger... to make it grow... so that it can SHUT DOWN that other part.

the most IMPORTANT thing to do is to NOT GAMBLE.


I could NOT have stopped if I'd had access to money.

But I made the decision to give that up.

and sometimes I'd find ways to get money anyway.

and I'd gamble.

then... in the aftermath... I would 'fix' that back-door so I couldn't do that again.


then I'd find another way.
and I'd gamble.


and I'd figure out a way to prevent myself from doing THAT again.

It's about doing whatever is necessary to take care of yourself...when you can... when you have a moment of strength... take steps to protect yourself FROM YOURSELF when you are in a place where you will do whatever you can to gamble.

You are worth it.
You deserve your life.
I don't mean... you deserve the crap that you might be living through right now...

I mean... you deserve to live a wonderful life... so go make that.

Take care of you,
Peg