Slow Down.....Focus......Relax

There are so many things that I could do to help myself.

I know what these things are.

Still...I don't do them...not on a regular basis anyway.

I need a list.

I get a lot more accomplished when I work from one.

I'm more focused, do this, then that...

Structure.

You know...when we free ourselves from our addiction...we are free...things are better (than they would be if we were still in the cycle)...but....breaking free is not necessarily a ticket to a rosy life.

Is there even such a thing?

Well....sometimes there is...for me.

But frankly...it has a lot more to do with my attitude than my actual circumstances.

Sometimes I can deal with whatever comes my way...other times I'm sensitive and am easily agitated...anxious.

I know the things that I must do....I know that....when I slow down a little...when I take some time out of the day, for me...to be still...to be quiet....and when I approach my day with a sense of mission.....things are better...*I* am better.

Serenity....that is the goal...and it is all in my head...or it isn't.

when our circumstances embarrass us

I was thinking the other day...about being embarrassed.

when something happens in our lives...something unexpected...but big...big enough that even strangers know about.....our private business....

affairs, divorce, being fired, losing your house, bankruptcy, kid problems....

I was thinking about some of the things that have happened in my own life recently...and how difficult it was...knowing that people knew...and most likely were whispering amongst themselves.

My Momma always said that it shouldn't matter what other people think.

and she was right.

but....that doesn't change the way I feel.

so

I started thinking about other people that I know...who have gone through such things....affairs, divorce, etc.

I was thinking about how devastated they were when 'it' happened.....but....that today....they are ok.

I was wondering about that....about how we go from being traumatized...to ok.

what is it, exactly that makes us 'not OK' for awhile?

I was thinking about my own life....about these most recent events....and about the pregnancy....then the loss of the baby....and THAT...more than anything...made me realize that a lot of the 'trauma'...at least for me...is that life isn't going as I'd planned.

you know....like my friend whose husband came home a few years ago, said...i'm in love with someone else....i'm leaving....
walked out on his wife and kids.

i'm sure there was a lot more to it....feelings...being abandoned...loss of security...being lied to....but i think a lot of the 'loss' is the loss of the future she thought they were going to have.

when my parents divorced...i was a teenager...and it was ok, really...except....I'd always dreamed of showing up at that house with my children....and they would spend the night with their grandma and grandpa....maybe in my old room? and it would be decorated just like it was the day I moved out.....
so....their split up meant a lot more than they were splitting up.

the future in my mind's eye....was not going to be.

so....my friend...she's fine now.
she's moved on.

she was STILL abandoned, betrayed, lied to.....but now....she has a different future in her mind's eye.
she is no longer embarrassed.
she has accepted what 'is'.

when I think of all of the people I know...and the traumas they have lived thru...I think it's the same way.

I think it's the same way for me...

for a long time I was embarrassed (among other things) when people learned about my gambling addiction....how stupid I'd been, etc.

now....most everyone who knows me knows about it.
I'm no longer embarrassed.

with my sons, too.....

There was a plan....and when they did things that altered that plan...the future that existed in my mind....I was knocked off kilter.....and it took some time to work through things...and to make a new plan.

and I have.
and I'm ok now.

And I'm thinking...it's good to plan.
It's good to prepare for the future....to set goals and work toward them.

at the same time...I need to 'get' (I KNOW this...I just need to incorporate it into my daily living) that...what I WANT the future to be is almost never like it turns out.....
and the sooner I accept what is happening today....the sooner I can go on with the business of living.

Once we stop.....

For some of us, once we stop gambling our lives begin to get better rather quickly.

But for others of us.....once we stop....we have a painful reality to face.

Maybe it's the aftermath of our gambling....maybe...it's whatever we were escaping from to begin with (if, in fact, we were escaping).

Those problems didn't go away when we gambled....we just ignored them.
Once we stop....
it can be hard.

For a long time, any stress or anxiety would initiate an overwhelming feeling to 'run' ....and my running was to a machine.

I had to learn new skills....new techniques for dealing with those times.

It was a yucky morning at my house and that 'fight or flight' kicked in......but these days...that desire to 'run' is no longer to a machine....I thought....
I will meditate.

I haven't done that in a while actually.
my sister in law stopped smoking a few weeks back and she told me yesterday that she bought a meditation cd....her husband is poking fun of her :)
I think she's got the right idea.

so.....off I go ....to relax...and clear my mind.....to 'numb' to it for a little while...in a way that doesn't self-harm.

Take care of you.
Peg

I've been thinking

I subscribe to all sorts of 'recovery-based' sites... and/or sites that are related to personal or spiritual development...I get lots of mails.

One of the sites that sends me emails is called the "Wisdom of the Rooms"...they occasionally send out a quote....a common 'saying' from AA or the 12 step program.

Yesterday I got one that started out like this:

"Three most dangerous words for an alcoholic: "I've been thinking."

It took me a long time to learn that my head isn't my friend. For years I heard it was best to run my thinking by others, but I secretly never believed it. My head would always convince me it had a better idea, and time and time again I followed its advice. It almost always turned out bad.

it goes on....
it disturbed me.

When I first started attending g.a. and I questioned everything and wanted to do things MY way...people would say to me "Look where YOUR way got you."

and they were right.

My thinking was not good.

I didn't really KNOW it....then...
but for quite a while after I'd STOPPED gambling...my thinking still wasn't so good.

Plus-

even if I was capable of THINKING real well...I had no idea how to break free of my addiction....how to get myself out of this mess...
and how to be happy again once I did.

but with time...my thinking cleared....

I think...lol....I think that I think rather clearly today.
I think just fine, thank you very much :)

at the same time.....
there is that 'voice'

you know the one

I don't hear it much anymore

but it's still there

and if THAT voice starts talking to me....THOSE thoughts could get me into 'trouble'.

and sometimes...it's not so easy for us to recognize the early signs of 'that voice'....the addictive thinking sort of creeps in....slowly invading our thoughts...and growing.

that's one reason why it's important to stay connected.

So that if and when my thinking is returning to the 'old' thought processes...one of my friends will point that out to me.

But that doesn't mean I'm incapable of thought....or that...I should run all of my decisions by someone else??

Maybe at one time....but not NOW....

and...no offence, but....if we're going to someone else in RECOVERY looking for direction....aren't they an addict too? why are THEY capable of thinking...but I'm not?

so I took exception to that email...can you tell?

So I've been thinking..........
My 'goal' in recovery is not just to stop gambling...
it is not to stop gambling and to be 'happy' again...

it is to 'grow up'.
I want to be a mature woman who is capable of taking care of myself...physically, emotionally and spiritually.....I want to be able to identify what my needs are....and to do my best to get what I need....and to learn to ask for help when I need it...because I am NOT self-sufficient....

I want to be responsible.
I want to live honestly and with as much courage and serenity as possible.
and Love.

That's what MY thinking gets me today.
Now.....back to the DOING....

Change is hard

funny how...with time......lots of those sayings I've heard all of my life come to have different meanings for me...or maybe I really understand the true meaning for the first time?

I've always hear that...'change is hard'.

I used to think 'not for me!'

I like change :)

a new school...new friends...new job...change, to me = 'fresh start'.

I know that for some people..ANY sort of change is hard...one of my children really likes routine....any change at all...even a change that you THINK would be a GOOD change can really rock his world.

so I used to think.....'yeah, change is hard for some people'

but now

i'm starting to think....that what this really means is CHANGING is hard.

not EXTERNAL changes....

things that change who I AM are difficult.

I've noticed.....since I've been paying attention to how life works...that usually, we change through crisis.

and

AFTER I've changed...it isn't so hard...it is the CHANGING that is so difficult....

being a caterpillar is ok
and being a butterfly is ok too.......

the metamorphosis from one to the other.....and the FEAR of what will be, once the crisis/change is complete......THAT is where acceptance comes in.

Life without limbs

My husband and I were out Friday night and we ran into an acquaintance who stopped to talk with us for a while.

Mostly, we talked about struggles with our children....but during the conversation, he mentioned a video that he'd recently watched online.

You know...the people that send you those emails that go round and round the web?? Well...a friend of his sent him this link...and when he started to talk about it, I said "Yessssssssss....I have seen it too!"

It was a long time ago (a year or more?) when MY friend sent ME the link......but yes...it was one of the really GOOD ones....

then

Saturday night, I was reading posts at Safe Harbor....and a friend of mine posted that he'd just watched the same guy.

Synchronicity.

When something keeps recurring in my life...I assume that 'someone' (God...the Universe...SOMEone) is trying to tell me something.

I'm not always sure what that 'something' is.....but I just went to youtube to find the guy again....I did not remember his name (it is Nick Vujicic) so I just searched for 'no arms no legs' and some of his videos came right up.

I've just watched a few of them.

While watching him do things...like answer a telephone...shave his face...swim...and speaking to large audiences....

I was thinking.....

how few human beings impact as many lives as this young man does....
and how few of us seem as satisfied as he does....
how....in my own life....I almost always have a 'plan' for how things are supposed to be ....or for how I WANT them to be....and when things don't go according to MY plan I FIGHT that. Inside, if not out.

I often confuse what I WANT with what I NEED....

what I THINK things should be like...with what IS.


In our family counselling session last week...the counsellor was speaking to my son...explaining how....there are some things we do NOT get to choose.

He must attend school for example.

But within that....there are choices...like...which school he will attend.

And then....there are things he cannot choose...like....he must follow the rules of that particular school (he must perform service hours, for instance)...

but....he may select how and where he chooses to serve.

He does not HAVE to drive...but if he CHOOSES to do so...then he HAS to pay for his car insurance.....but he can CHOOSE how he goes about earning that money.

Once again
it all boils down to ACCEPTING the things we cannot change

and changing the things that we can.

Change

If you can't stop gambling....... or
If you HAVE stopped gambling but things just aren't better......

If you always think the way you have always thought

you will always feel how you always felt

And if you always feel how you always felt

Then you will always do what you have always done

If you always do what you have always done

Then you will always get what you have always gotten

If you always get what you always got

Then you will always think how you always thought.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.


If what you're doing isn't working...CHANGE IT!

Discovery and Empowerment

I came across this site...for 16-steps for Discovery and Empowerment...

I've talked before about how I see lots of value in the 12 step programs...but I do not believe it is the only path to recovery....but I sort of draw from it....and tailor it to my needs...

I've never attempted to sit down and write my own 'personal' steps...but if I did...I think it'd look a lot like these....

http://www.charlottekasl.com/16steps.html

Anyway...I've ordered three of her books and I imagine I'll be talking a lot more about what Dr. Kasl has to say about recovery.

I'm excited again.
This present crisis has passed.
I can get back to the business of living.

Being the compulsive person that I am...when there is something important that must be addressed...I am consumed with it until it is done.

One more thing for me to work on.
I'll put it on the list :)

The last four months have been really rough...painful.
But I was right.
It did pass (it always does)..

It's good to be back.
Now....to catch up on these emails ----

Problems

I talk to lots of people....friends I've met online...and family and friends in my 'real' world.

We've all got problems.
Many different kinds of problems....but we've all got them.

Well...maybe not every single DAY.

I've gone thru periods of time where life was pretty good and I didn't really have any complaints....I imagine most of us have those times too.

Sometimes we look at other people and think "what a wonderful life they have-- they have it so easy"

I guess....when we see people who don't have the same problems WE do...we think assume all must be well for them.

For instance....when we are struggling financially...we look at wealthy people and imagine that their plight is easier because they don't have to worry about money.

I thought that I'd told this story before, but if I have, I can't find it...so forgive me if I repeat myself....but

years ago I worked as a secretary for this man.
He was quite fond of me, in a fatherly sort of way.
I was 19..newly married and quite unhappy.
Everyone who knew me knew that.

One morning he told me this Yiddish saying...I'm sure I don't recall the details accurately...but I have thought back on (and repeated) it many times over the years.

He said that everyone has problems...sometimes we look at people and it doesn't appear that they do...but....
if everyone in the world were to stand in a circle put their troubles in a box....
then
each person would put thier box in the center of the circle.
now
each person has to go in and select a box...let the problems within be your own....
it would be unwise to do anything but select your own box....because there is no real way to know what's in anyone elses box.

* * *
Anyway,
I'm having UPS and downs....
but getting through this.

and I hope that you are making your way through whatever it is that you are presently dealing with also.

this, too, shall pass.

Love,
Peg

Holidays and Gambling

Many aspects of my life are different today.


Well...almost EVERYTHING is different...


but HOLIDAYS...that'd have to be up there toward the top of the list of things that are different.


Holidays were big gambling days...for the extended family.

We'd all get together..to bar b que...or whatever we were doing on that particular holiday...and the whole time...I'd be antsy...


I was pretty sure we'd end up at the casino.....if not all of us....a handfull, for sure.


The casinos were always crowded on holidays.


I guess....we weren't the only ones with this sort of 'tradition'.


but...I wasn't just 'at the casino' when I was there.


when I woke UP in the morning...I was already anticipating.

I didn't enjoy the company....the gathering...I mean...it was good...I love my family...but

my heart wasn't in it.


I was ready to go.


as soon as was possible...I was ready to go.


I didn't really enjoy just sitting around and visiting...telling stories...reminiscing about old times....having wonderful meals...or even exchanging gifts on Christmas...

all of those things were obstacles...that I had to 'get through'...until it was (finally) time to go.


When I say that I am 'free'...I do not mean...that I no longer spend hours and hours every day in front of a machine.

well, that's true of course...I don't do that anymore.


but....my MIND is free now.

free to.....be with people that I care about...and who care about me...


and to relax

really visit

laugh


without all of those racing thoughts.....

without lying and pretending.


I am free to
just BE.

Avoiding contact

I'm always impressed with those people who gamble then come right back and admit it...and keep on trying to stop.

some people do that over and over and over again......and their pain is so obvious....I ache for them.

but many of us are not like that.....we can't bear to say that we've done it again....so we don't answer emails....don't return phone calls....we avoid people so we don't have to lie

or...we just lie.

it's sad that there is so much shame around this....that if we gamble we feel that we have 'failed'....

and yes,
of course, the goal (for me, anyway) must be complete abstinence....because if I begin to gamble 'just a little bit'....my brain gets whacked and I end up back in the madness......

so it can't be Ok to gamble...even just a little bit....not if we are to be happy and whole....

but is it shameful?
why must we hide it from people who we KNOW would understand and care about us?

I know...I know...it's about the loss of control....the seeming 'stupidity' of our actions....doing something that harms us when we KNOW better...
I know.

but feeling ashamed and hiding and lying will only keep the madness going.

take care of you.
Peg

Never stop trying

I met another new friend recently.

We've been emailing a bit....and when we met face to face we were talking about how to FEEL better.

Lots of people show up at gambling-help sites wanting to know 'how do i stop?'

or even 'how do i STAY stopped?'

but.....

really...what we all want to do is FEEL better.

I mean...if I'm not gonna gamble and i'm still gonna be miserable...what's the point?

There are ways....finding others like ourselves...face to face or online groups...therapy...meditation....prayer.

learning some of the 'universal truths' that are promoted in recovery....
the serenity prayer.

Gambling doesn't make me feel badly any more.

I'm living my life now.

But sometimes LIFE makes me feel badly.

fortunately....those things that i've learned in 'recovery' apply.

the thing is...even tho I KNOW that 'this too shall pass' and that 'i must accept what i cannot change' and that 'i should focus on what is immediately before me' and all of those other things that I know...

it doesn't mean that it's a magic thing...
KNOWING those things doesn't just make all of the cr*p go away.

but
I keep FOCUSING on those things...and
slowly
I am feeling better
happier
more like myself

even tho my external circumstances haven't changed.

the situation is the same...but *I* am changing....I am beginning to be OK DESPITE what is going on around me.

i often say, with regards to how to quit gambling 'never stop trying to stop'
and now...i say it too..with regards to trying to feel better 'never stop trying'....

if what you've been doing isn't helping....change it.....

just keep trying...doing whatever you can do today.....for you :)