Holidays and Gambling

Many aspects of my life are different today.


Well...almost EVERYTHING is different...


but HOLIDAYS...that'd have to be up there toward the top of the list of things that are different.


Holidays were big gambling days...for the extended family.

We'd all get together..to bar b que...or whatever we were doing on that particular holiday...and the whole time...I'd be antsy...


I was pretty sure we'd end up at the casino.....if not all of us....a handfull, for sure.


The casinos were always crowded on holidays.


I guess....we weren't the only ones with this sort of 'tradition'.


but...I wasn't just 'at the casino' when I was there.


when I woke UP in the morning...I was already anticipating.

I didn't enjoy the company....the gathering...I mean...it was good...I love my family...but

my heart wasn't in it.


I was ready to go.


as soon as was possible...I was ready to go.


I didn't really enjoy just sitting around and visiting...telling stories...reminiscing about old times....having wonderful meals...or even exchanging gifts on Christmas...

all of those things were obstacles...that I had to 'get through'...until it was (finally) time to go.


When I say that I am 'free'...I do not mean...that I no longer spend hours and hours every day in front of a machine.

well, that's true of course...I don't do that anymore.


but....my MIND is free now.

free to.....be with people that I care about...and who care about me...


and to relax

really visit

laugh


without all of those racing thoughts.....

without lying and pretending.


I am free to
just BE.