Just living

I'm OK.

I found a website a few years ago-- some guy started it--it told his story of his descent into compulsive gambling....and his way out...he'd developed some software to keep online gamblers away from gambling sites that he gave away free of charge and he started a forum.

I posted on the forum a few times and checked it pretty often...because there wasn't much traffic there....and then, one day, it was just gone...the entire site...gone.

Did he die?
Was it just too expensive to keep the site going month to month?
Is he gambling again?
or.....
maybe he's just living his life....and whatever need was filled by creating that site is no longer a necessity in his life.

I do wonder.

So....
for those of you who have been wondering about me (and I will get around to answering all of my emails)....

I am OK.
I haven't died....and I'm not gambling.

In fact....I've been doing what people are SUPPOSED to do.....living my life.

At one time the thought of that frightened me.....I've 'walked away' from 'recovery' before and that (eventually) led to disaster.

This time is different.

I'm not really 'walking away'....

I still read posts regularly at safe harbor.....and I'm in touch with many of my friends....or....lately I haven't been writing...but you're on my mind :) so you still FEEL close.

and
I am still very much interested in evolving into the best human being that I can be.....

so while I am BUSY....with DOING all of the things that I do.... I remain aware of who I am....and what I want....and I continue to learn and grow.

it's when i am just 'going thru the motions' of life that i put myself in danger.

So I live in New Orleans...Tuesday was Mardi Gras Day.
It's a big deal for us...lots of folks come in from out of town...we spend nearly a week in the French Quarter eating food I don't have to prepare :) and attending parties that I don't have to clean up after.
not to mention seeing lots of old friends...and meeting new ones.

Also...I don't think I've mentioned before that we are in the process of building a new home. We've been planning it for quite some time but are now actually building the thing. An amazing process, for sure....to have this image in your mind.....getting it down on paper....and then watching it all come to life.

I've not been working very much lately....I've got lots to do there and plan to rededicate myself on Monday.

My boys.....things are better lately (although....I imagine the fact that they are off of school for 9 days...Mardi Gras....helps)....school has always been a source of 'tension' for us.
Anyway...they're getting better.

I know they're teenagers.
I KNOW they're gonna do stupid stuff.
I know it's normal...and that in a few years they grow out of the stupidity and will become a part of this 'family' again....

I think it's already beginning to happen with my oldest (17)...who watched some movie with his friend the other night...said "Mom...this movie was so powerful...you know how you are always nagging at us about how sometimes making a bad decision can turn REALLY bad and affect you for the rest of your life?" blah blah blah

so....he's getting it!
some of it is getting thru.

when people talk about rasing teenagers, I had no idea this is what they meant.
I was moody.
I was selfish.
I did a lot of bad stuff my Mom never found out about lol

but I know that she didn't suffer /worry like i do.

maybe it's because my boys get caught?

I dunno...I just hope that they...or...we all...live through this.


Anyway...I'm just living is all.
I've thought a lot about the blog lately...a thought will come to me and I'll decide to write about this or about that....but I just don't find the time to sit and DO it.

Do I think about gambling?
Never.
That is different from the 'last time' too.

There is not a part of me that yearns to sit at a machine...a part of me that I am trying to contain or tame.

I know that if I WERE to sit down at a machine, that part of me would come alive again.....so I'm resolved to not do that (sit down at a machine).

Nope.
Not me.

Just living......

Can a Compulsive Gambler Ever Win?

I won a lot when I was gambling.

One day I left the casino having hit three large jackpots...
I had three tax forms in my purse-but I had to stop at the bank on the way home to get money.

How could I go home and say "here, I have these forms...but, no, I don't have enough money to pick up a gallon of milk?"

My problem was, when I was gambling, if I was losing, I couldn't stop....I had to win 'my money' back....and if I was winning, I couldn't stop (I could AFFORD to play now!).

sometimes I left with a big wad of cash in my purse.

often I did, as a matter of fact.

but that only meant I could return later --- start the madness all over again.

I often hear compulsive gamblers talk about how stupid gambling is because 'we can't win'.

oh...I could win alright.

I could win plenty.

I just couldn't KEEP what I'd won.

that's because....what I REALLY wanted to do was to keep pushing the button pushing the button pushing the button pushing the button.

for me, the cost was much higher than the money.

There's a gambling addiction counselor with some videos on u-tube that talks about a lady who first came to see him after she'd just won a large sum of money...she came to him for help...she needed to stop now...while she was ahead.

Part 1: Problem Gambling Awareness

Part 2: Problem Gambling Awareness

Part 3: Problem Gambling Awareness

I began gambling again after several years of freedom from the cycle.

The first time I stopped it was because I had dug a deep hole...my family was in financial crisis due to my gambling.

Then I gambled for a few years in secret....I was able to conceal my losses.

This time...I didn't stop because my husband was angry and I might lose my family...I didn't stop because we were in debt and I didn't have access to money....this time I stopped because I knew what was 'wrong' with me...I knew how to fix it...I knew I COULD stop (I'd done it before)....and I hated the way I was living...who I had become (again).

This time, I stopped because I want to live.

Working

It's a strange thing...the way that most humans spend our lives....

We have very little time here...less than a hundred years.... and we spend time doing things we don't love to do.

Well...we all have to do things we don't wanna do.

I'm talking about how we spend the majority of our time.....working.

I had a conversation with a friend recently...she's unhappy with her work situation....I told her a story that happened to me many years ago.

It was during a time when I was young....when my career was the most important thing and I spent far too many hours and invested too much of my energy at the office.

I was climbing the corporate ladder and was frustrated with office politics.
Very frustrated.
A co-worker, a few years my elder, said to me "Don't let it upset you. This isn't real."

Huh?
It isn't real?

"No", he said "this isn't real. As in....these are not your REAL problems."

"This" (office) "is just something that you DO so that you can have MONEY so that you can live your REAL life." (at home).

"These people..these problems are not your REAL problems....what happens when you LEAVE here is what's real....what happens with the people you love....illness....relationships....THOSE are things you cannot walk away from....those things are your LIFE...THIS....you CAN walk away from...THIS...is just a job."

you know
I haven't seen or talked to him in years.
I haven't seen or talked to any of those people (save a handful that became my close friends...in my REAL life)....in years.

so true...it was just a job. I worked there for quite a few years...but it was just a blip of time in my REAL life.

and I think back...on all of those Monday mornings.... I remember the feeling that life was so monotonous....get up, work....home, cook, clean, sleep, get up, work...home, cook, clean...five times...then a short weekend...then do it all over again.

I think most of the people I know feel that way about how they spend their time.

We do THAT so that we can have THIS....but often....we are too tired from that (work) to enjoy this (life) anyway.

I wonder how many of us are doing things that we love.
How many of us have found something that we are passionate about...have found what our 'gifts' are....and use them....and feel that our WORK is not really work...but is a fulfilling part of our lives.

I'm raising two sons.
It occurs to me that we don't really spend time...or encourage THEM to spend time finding what they're good at...what they love...
we send them to school...make them fit into a 'box'....teach them WHAT to think (you need a good education so that you can get a good job to pay for cars and houses and lots of 'stuff').

Of course...we say that they should find something that they enjoy doing....but they aren't really afforded any time to discover that....

it reminds me of one of those emails that circulate from time to time:

An American tourist was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked.
Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The tourist complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.
The Mexican replied, "Only a little while."
The tourist then asked, "Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more fish?"
The Mexican said, "With this I have more than enough to support my family's needs."
The tourist then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life."
The tourist scoffed, " I can help you. You should spend more time fishing; and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat: With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats. Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor; eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You could leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then Los Angeles and eventually New York where you could run your ever-expanding enterprise."
The Mexican fisherman asked, "But, how long will this all take?"
The tourist replied, "15 to 20 years."
"But what then?" asked the Mexican.
The tourist laughed and said, "That's the best part. When the time is right you would sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions."
"Millions?...Then what?"
The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."

Resignation

So I've mentioned my friend before...the one that emails out the 'gift of the day'.

Yesterday's gift starts out this way:

Today I'll try to settle for less than I wish were possible, and be willing to not only accept it but to appreciate it. Today, I'll not expect too much of anyone - especially myself. I'll try to remember that contentment comes from gratefully accepting the good that comes to us, and not from being furious at life because it's not "better." Do I realize the difference between resignation and realistic acceptance?

The difference between resignation and realistic acceptance.

Yeah-

often..when people 'slip'...what I think I hear from them is not 'acceptance'...it is resignation "I am a compulsive gambler, I have a disease"

and while that may very well be true....that attitude almost ensures failure.

I mean
I acknowledge that I am a cg...and I believe it's an illness....or a 'disease', if you will...but I DON"T think that label necessarily means I will gamble again.
In fact...knowing that that label applies...makes me diligent in my efforts to remain free.

but
if something happens, and i ever do fall back into it...
wow
i imagine i would be pretty hard on myself....once again 'how could i have?' blah blah blah

but that sort of thinking...shame....keeps us from the help that we need...keeps us from reaching out...keeps us feeling isolated and alone...and hopeless.

but it's not just with relapse....this is an issue for me in my efforts to 'recover'.

since recovery, to me, is not stopping gambling...it is an effort to live a responsible, honorable life.

and i'm back to...I *KNOW* what i need to do....I just don't often do it.

I've got a half dozen phone calls that I should've made weeks ago.

I've got a list as long as my arm.

only

I haven't got a LIST, really.

haven't written it down.

i have said over and over again that I am much more productive when I have one, yet I don't do it.

and I don't get all of my 'stuff' done.

soooooooo

with regards to resignation vs. realistic acceptance...

I can 'beat myself up about it'
or
I can decide 'whats the use...I'm never gonna get my sh*t together'
or
I can decide that I'm perfectly imperfect.
and it's not 'OK' that I don't do what I know I need to do...(resignation)...but...that this is a process....and I'm still working towards being who I need to be....one small step at a time.