The Chicken or the Egg

a while back we started family therapy...in the beginning my two teenaged boys were uncooperative..and they're still not crazy about having to go...but things have gotten so much better between the four of us that we've tapered off the frequency of the meetings....going every three weeks rather than every week.

the last couple of times we've gone...the meetings went very well.... as a matter of fact, we don't even look like the same family that we were six months ago....the change in all of us is dramatic.

so that's what we talked about this week....
how did this change happen?

how did we go from that terrible state.....to where we are now....laughing together...spending time together...even LIKING each other (most of the time).

My oldest son said.... that the boys weren't getting into trouble any more....BUT....THAT was because we (my husband and I) are not acting like jerks.

and I'm thinking to myself....well WE are not acting like jerks (punishing them....restricting their activites....always 'fussing' about things they do) BECAUSE they are not getting into trouble.

that was our 'dance'....

someone had to change their behavior REGARDLESS of what the others were doing.

I said.....that those weekly sessions are what made it possible.

I recalled the first night that we went ...we were one unhappy...very angry group of people.

when we were leaving...the counsellor asked us to each identify ONE thing that we could do that could make our family life better....and we did.

and we each did those things...for a few days.....then went back to our old patterns of behavior (as soon as one of us saw another not doing what THEY said they were gonna do...we stopped doing what WE were gonna do).

that happened for a few weeks....the days following our sessions would be pretty good...then we would revert back to the old way.

after a few sessions I mentioned that.

so when we left THAT night...the counsellor asked each one of us to continue doing OUR thing NO MATTER WHAT...even if no one else in the family did THIER thing....we should each do ours.

it's not always easy....and even after all of these months...we sometimes revert back to our old 'dance'....

so that is what our sessions will be about for a while....because we will go thru difficult times again (all families do).....but if we can identify those old patterns of behavior when they pop up....and take steps (which we will be discussing in the upcoming weeks/months)...to get back on track....we won't ever have to do that OLD 'dance' again.

so my son said....that things were better because WE stopped acting like jerks first "It was good that ya'll did that" he said (because they never would have...first).

It all boils down to "Would you rather be RIGHT or HAPPY?"

The old peg had to be right.
Rub your nose in it, right.

today.....well...I'll take Happy any old day.

It's the little things.....

Many years ago I read a self help book that talked about priorities....

it asked the reader to list all of their 'roles' (mother, sister, wife, employee)
then....to grade yourself on each of them...how well do you think you're doing in that particular role.

then....
it asked to rate each one with it's level of importance....most important (to you)...#1, next important #2, and so on.

Mine were a little shocking.
I mean...I shouldn't have really been surprised...but there it was, in black and white.

I was working many many hours in those days....at the top of my career.

I had two young children at home.....
and my mom was dying....

when I was grading myself.....the amount of TIME I dedicated to each of my roles was clearly a factor in how well I thought I was doing.

I graded myself, that particular day, very highly as an employee...a career-woman

but....that was not my top priority.

the book went on to talk about HOW that happens.....

we don't make BIG choices usually....we don't KNOWINGLY choose to elevate something that's less important...

it's the little bitty choices that we make
that add up.

if my child wants to go to the park (in the days when they still wanted to do things with me!)....and it's a work day....I can't.

but on occasion.....my child might REALLY want me to be there....and work might not be THAT critical that particular day.....and I'd just do it.

it was a matter of asking myself, often, what is REALLY the most important thing here?
obviously....work is important.....and it often had to be priority (ya gotta eat!)...

but not EVERY time.....
and when I began making the most important choices EVERY TIME I COULD.....it made it easier (no guilt).....when I really COULDN'T.

In recovery I've learned that the same idea works in all parts of our lives.

we can't wake up one day and say "OK...I will be honest from now on" and expect everyone to now trust us....

we BECOME honest or trustworthy or ________(fill in the blank)______ by making the right choices...every LITTLE time we have a choice to make.....by doing the NEXT right thing....the next most IMPORTANT thing....now...and then again ....and again.....and it builds...and it grows....and before you know it....those little choices all add up to be who we are.....
and our energies are spent on the things (and the people) most important to us :)

Who our real friends are.

So a few months ago my son had a fight at school. There is a zero tolerance policy so he was suspended for a few days.

The day that he was to return to school, he had to be accompanied by a parent.....we met with the disciplinarian.

My son had been bullied by an older kid and he'd finally had enough....but the school has zero tolerance for bullying too.....the disciplinarian was explaining that 'they' can't correct the problem unless they KNOW about it....you gotta tell.

fat chance.

anyway......

this guy was great....he was talking to my son about how often your so-called 'friends' can get you into trouble.....when another kid mouths off at you for instance, and your buddies say things like "are you gonna let him talk to you that way? what are you gonna do about?"

the disciplinarian said "those guys don't care about you...they are not your friends"

then he asks my son "do you have friends here?"
my son says yes.
"No you don't" says the disciplinarian.

My son is confused....of course he has friends....and he says so.

"No."

"You don't"

"Look to your right."

My son looks at me.

"THAT is your friend. The people you are with here at school are your acquantances.....ten years from now you won't even remember most of their names....THEY don't care about you....THAT lady right there...SHE is your friend....you need to remember that."

I thought it was pretty powerful.

when we walked out of his office, my son looks at me, confused...and said "that was stupid"

lol

oh well....

honestly....our relationship has improved a great deal since that day....maybe some of it did sink in.

my point is....

we ALL need to keep that in perspective.

who our REAL friends are.
not people we just spend time with...or work with....or even hang out with in our free time....but our FRIENDS.

people who would care for us if we were ill......

we need to really cultivate those relationships.
they are the important ones.

and if we can't think of who they are....
if there is no one.....
we need to go about the business of creating them.....
real relationships.....

alone is too lonely.