just keep swimming

I tossed an turned for hours Wednesday night.

I hate when other people have to suffer for my mistakes....and also...

I think.....one of the reasons I have a hard time accepting the things I cannot change is because I keep thinking maybe I *CAN* change things....maybe I've missed something...what can I do? what can I do?

Turns out, I *WAS* able to do something.

I thought of a few stores to call....one of them opened at 9:30....we were there waiting when they did.

most of the uniforms were gone, but I was able to get one pair of paints for each boy and a pair of shoes for my older (bigger) son.

we arrived at school late.....stuffed the toes with paper....got through the inspection.

this morning school starts.
they are gone.
the house is quiet.
for the first time in months I am alone in a quiet house.

I've done a lot of thinking about what happened last week...

about....how much it felt like my days in 'action'....

when I'd gamble all day instead of doing the things I should've been doing...then I'd be scrambling to straighten up the house and throw a meal together....or whatever it was I should've been doing when I was gambling instead.

but it's more than that....

a good friend, who's known me all of my life, would tell you that I'm always last minute.

and while that's true.....I *AM* always scrambling at the last minute to do whatever it is that I'm supposed to have done....

it's not (usually) because I'm lazy and I just put things off.
although that does sometimes happen.
it's USUALLY because I have so much going on...I just don't have the time to address things until they are pressing matters.

I've talked about this before...about....how it FEELS like these things are REQUIREMENTS...all of these things I've gotta do....
and at this point, they are....because I've committed to doing them...
but how did this happen?

everyone doesn't live like this...with more things to do than hours in the day..EVERY day.

some people are actually BORED sometimes.
what I wouldn't give for a little of that!!!

I THINK that....
I THINK that I hate living this way....

but it is a choice, isn't it?
if it's not the way I want my life to be....then why is this the life I've created for myself?

the BIGGER...more IMPORTANT question is....
what can I do to change it?

like I said....what's happening in my life today....my responsibilities...are the result of previous days' commitments.

i can't undo that.

but....

I can refrain from making ADDITIONAL commitments today....at least...any unnecessary ones.

It will be a gift to myself--- today....I will not add anything to my to do list if there is any way that ANY one else can accomplish the task.
I will not make any appointments until...

well..that's a whole other issue...
appointments

i have a few conditions that I really need to see a dr. about.

those are things that i SHOULD be committing to...those are things that NO ONE else can do but me!!!

but not today....I've put that off for this long....I can put it off a bit more...

I know that this...all of this...is a symptom of my 'illness'...of whatever it is in my brain that makes me succeptible to addictive behaviors....it's all related...

and I know what I need to do....to change my life.....

i need to make whatever small changes I can make today.....to move me in the direction that I want to be...

I need a plan...a list....

and I need a little quiet time, every day, for me....just to BE.

and until I get where I want to be....I'll just keep trying to keep my head above water.... I'll just keep swimming....one day at a time...

the way i roll

It's been a while.

I've started to write a few times...then scrapped it.

From the outside my life looks awesome.....and I *KNOW* what real problems are....to be seriously ill...for people you love to be ill...or dying...
yeah...that's REAL problems...the stuff we have absolutely NO control over.

but...
sometimes...when I'm freaking out over something that I know isn't a REAL problem....and I'm trying to convince myself that it isn't a REAL problem....
well
it still seems like a pretty big deal.

like tonight :(

and the position that I'm in right now....I've been here a thousand times before...and no doubt, I will do this again...because it is what I do....as the kids say "it's the way I roll".

but it's a hard way to live.

so we're building a new home...my husband and I.

it takes up a lot of my time.
it's an hour away...so anytime that I have to be on-site, it takes up a good part of my day.
and i have to be there a lot.
and I'm working....
and I have this house to take care of
and laundry
and cooking
and taking care of two teenage boys
plus all of the other stuff that comes up.

i'm not very organized.
i try.
it drives me crazy that I'm not
but i just can't seem to get it together.

and on occasion...when my life slows down...i DO get it together....
but it doesn't last.

so anyway....I've been really busy...
then...my mother in law took all of 'her girls' on an all-expense paid trip to London and Paris for 8 days.

poor me, right?

then I'm home for three days...then we leave on a family vacation to the beach (extended family...all of the in-laws)...great time

and now i'm playing catch up.

i feel like everyone needs something (ten things) from me...and I'm trying like hell to keep my head above water...

and I was
or i thought I was
until tonight.

my boys have orientation tomorrow morning. 9:30 am
school starts Monday.

I just sat down a few hours ago (10:00 pm) to fill out their paperwork when I read that they must show up in FULL UNIFORM.

huh?

did they do that last year?

so I'm scrambling.

nothing fits...and even if it did, it's all tattered...and they will have 'uniform inspections' when they get to school.

i DID have the good sense to send them for haircuts today...but geez....

so the uniform shops don't open until 10:00.
half hour after they're required to be there.

last week, hours after picking up my car from the repair shop (from a huge limb that fell on the hood during a rainstorm)...a rock hit my windshield and it's got a huge crack across it....that happened about 30 minutes after i dropped (and completely busted) my cell phone....and my washing machine died that same morning.

later that evening I learn that my niece has been diagnosed with swine flu (she's OK)...and since we've all been vacationing together...we are all at risk and the four of us are now taking tamiflu (at $91 each!!)

i just feel like i don't have anything left...no money...no time....no energy.

ok-
now you see why i've more or less abandoned the blog....

i'm overwhelmed...exhausted...not doing anything very well...so frustrated....but when I sit to write it ....it sounds sooooo

ummmmm
sounds....i dunno....irrelevant?

i mean....
my niece is gonna be ok
I know what it's like to NEED something and not have the money...
and we DID have the money to pay for the tamiflu (and the washing machine, and a new cell phone)
and so far, we haven't become ill...
our bellies are full
got a roof over our heads (and soon will have a new one)
and as my friend gams would say...
no blood on the floor
no dead bodies...
police are not here....

i know, i know
but right now my insides are doing what my OUTSIDES have been doing--
racing.

I need a break
but i know it's not coming any time soon.

and as nice as it was to go on those trips....and it WAS nice....right now...it causes more of a hardship than it is a luxury.

maybe the flu would be a blessing
a few days in bed
and
an excuse for not getting everything done.

I have no idea what I'm gonna do in the morning (ummm...in a few hours!) but I guess I'll get to bed....I'll toss and turn even tho I'm COMPLETELY exhausted....

there's no light at the end of the tunnel anytime soon.

feeling so tired
and so incompetent.

.........accept the things I cannot change.......