just keep swimming

I tossed an turned for hours Wednesday night.

I hate when other people have to suffer for my mistakes....and also...

I think.....one of the reasons I have a hard time accepting the things I cannot change is because I keep thinking maybe I *CAN* change things....maybe I've missed something...what can I do? what can I do?

Turns out, I *WAS* able to do something.

I thought of a few stores to call....one of them opened at 9:30....we were there waiting when they did.

most of the uniforms were gone, but I was able to get one pair of paints for each boy and a pair of shoes for my older (bigger) son.

we arrived at school late.....stuffed the toes with paper....got through the inspection.

this morning school starts.
they are gone.
the house is quiet.
for the first time in months I am alone in a quiet house.

I've done a lot of thinking about what happened last week...

about....how much it felt like my days in 'action'....

when I'd gamble all day instead of doing the things I should've been doing...then I'd be scrambling to straighten up the house and throw a meal together....or whatever it was I should've been doing when I was gambling instead.

but it's more than that....

a good friend, who's known me all of my life, would tell you that I'm always last minute.

and while that's true.....I *AM* always scrambling at the last minute to do whatever it is that I'm supposed to have done....

it's not (usually) because I'm lazy and I just put things off.
although that does sometimes happen.
it's USUALLY because I have so much going on...I just don't have the time to address things until they are pressing matters.

I've talked about this before...about....how it FEELS like these things are REQUIREMENTS...all of these things I've gotta do....
and at this point, they are....because I've committed to doing them...
but how did this happen?

everyone doesn't live like this...with more things to do than hours in the day..EVERY day.

some people are actually BORED sometimes.
what I wouldn't give for a little of that!!!

I THINK that....
I THINK that I hate living this way....

but it is a choice, isn't it?
if it's not the way I want my life to be....then why is this the life I've created for myself?

the BIGGER...more IMPORTANT question is....
what can I do to change it?

like I said....what's happening in my life today....my responsibilities...are the result of previous days' commitments.

i can't undo that.

but....

I can refrain from making ADDITIONAL commitments today....at least...any unnecessary ones.

It will be a gift to myself--- today....I will not add anything to my to do list if there is any way that ANY one else can accomplish the task.
I will not make any appointments until...

well..that's a whole other issue...
appointments

i have a few conditions that I really need to see a dr. about.

those are things that i SHOULD be committing to...those are things that NO ONE else can do but me!!!

but not today....I've put that off for this long....I can put it off a bit more...

I know that this...all of this...is a symptom of my 'illness'...of whatever it is in my brain that makes me succeptible to addictive behaviors....it's all related...

and I know what I need to do....to change my life.....

i need to make whatever small changes I can make today.....to move me in the direction that I want to be...

I need a plan...a list....

and I need a little quiet time, every day, for me....just to BE.

and until I get where I want to be....I'll just keep trying to keep my head above water.... I'll just keep swimming....one day at a time...