I don't gamble....

when i was new to recovery...i didn't know ANYTHING.

until i found ga, i thought i was the only one 'like this'.

then i soaked up everything i could learn.

and it became what i believed.

when people would say things to me that were in opposition to my beliefs at the time, I defended what I believed strongly.

for a while.

with time (and the blessing of the internet)...I was exposed to many people...different types of people with different types of recoveries..different thoughts and beliefs....and my own ideas about life, addiction and recovery continue to evolve.

i sometimes cringe about how closed-minded i once was.

anyway.....this line of thinking has occurred to me in the past...and i may have blogged on the idea long ago, i don't know.....

but the evolution continues:

My husband and I went out to dinner last night with some old friends...a few couples....co-workers of mine from years ago.

after dinner we went to a local bar...one of the guys starts telling me that he recently made a big win playing video poker there....of course...I was gambling all those years ago....

I said "I don't gamble any more".

he said "oh yeah, I know...I have to watch myself too"

I said..."no...I don't gamble anymore...ever....at all"

we spoke of it for a few more minutes then began talking about something else...

but it made me think about calling myself a 'compulsive gambler'

I mean....if I gamble, that will be an apt title...

but...I'm addicted to nicotine.

I stopped smoking for 7 years....then...when my mother was dying....I was with a family member who was smoking...I bummed one....and I haven't stopped....13 years later.

so I'm addicted to nicotine
i will always be addicted to nicotine...
no matter how long i stop smoking...when i stop smoking....i am always at risk of returning to the addictive behavior.

i have a friend who smokes maybe three or four times a year.
i can't do that.
i'm the all or nothing girl.

but

when I wasn't smoking...those seven years....what would I call myself?

I called myself a non-smoker.

i was still an addict but i didn't differentiate myself from anyone else who did not smoke.

I've called myself a 'compulsive gambler' for a long time.
it's true.
I was.
and if i ever gamble again....i will, once again, be a compulsive gambler.

and I don't have a problem with anyone else....doing it their own way

but the truth is.... today....i am not a compulsive gambler.
i take great pains....not to gamble at all...ever....for anything.

I am a non-gambler.

Moving on...

I've started packing boxes.

The majority of our things will be moved over a 7 day period or so...beginning one week from today.

I'm pretty excited....for lots of reasons....

I'll have a whole new life.

I've had several already....completely different lives.....

as a child with my family.....

after my parent's divorce.....

married right out of high school.....

moving away....for two years.....

coming home.....divorcing.....starting over

marrying.....children...


yeah....each one of those 'eras' in my life look totally different.... but...there ARE some constants in there.... of course *I* am the biggest one LOL....but there are other things....family....friends......some personal belongings get carried from one era to the next....but for the most part.....each of these lives has been significantly different from ny of the others I have changed quite a bit....each one of those 'lives' contributing to who I am....

I'm still me...but I'm a different me, for certain.

So a new one is beginning.......

this is the first time that I've been consciously aware of the POSSIBILITY that is before me...as I make a fresh start.

I mean...when I got married (or divorced, or moved away) I knew that things would be different.....

I just didn't take complete responsibilty for DECIDING what the differences would be...and making it happen.

for defining my life.

I guess....mostly....things have just 'happened'...and I let them.

oh...I've had goals....some I've met...some I've lost interest in...and I always knew that the possibilities for my life were endless (my mom told me that I could be anything I wanted...and I believed her...AND...she was right!).... I just never decided what the heck I wanted to be...or do.

some of my 'transitions' into the next 'life' was not of my doing (like my parent's divorce).....it wasn't my choice to make that change.....but....even when our circumstances are not within our power to change.....there are choices within that.

I guess...not making a choice really is a choice, huh?
choosing to do nothing.

Within a few years both kids will be gone (I think???) and I will have more freedom...more choices.

There are lots of things I want to do in this next life...things I want to learn.....but I think.....for a while....I just want to slow down....and spend some time with me....then make a plan.