What happens in Vegas....

So I want to tell you a story....

In late August I took a trip with my family, to visit a family member in another state.

We flew into Las Vegas...then had a six hour drive to reach our destination.

After several days, the rest of my family returned home....and I stayed on for a few more days.
It was planned that way....but it wasn't until they were gone that I suddenly realized I was going to be in Las Vegas BY MYSELF.

Now...if you know me, you know that I've been to Vegas a few times in the past few years....

and I will go again in March of next year.

Here's my reasoning....

The reason that I pulled myself out of that horrific cycle...is because I want my life.

Literally..and figuratively.... I mean....in those days I really wanted to stop breathing....so yes...stopping gambling saved my life for REAL....but....
since I AM going to be here for a while....I want to LIVE.

now i once thought that a life without gambling couldn't possibly be worth living (insanity)....

but what I mean by LIVING is....

I want to be able to DO things....especially things that are important to the people that I care about.

that doesn't mean that I don't limit my activities.
If, for instance, my (extended) family decided to do a brunch at the casino one Sunday afternoon (which we used to often do in the 'old' days)...there's no way I'd go. It just isn't worth it ---the risk....of being in/near the casino is too great...and there's no real reason to be THERE.
there are so many other places we could go to eat/be together....I would decline that invitation.

But, next March, for instance, in Las Vegas, my husband will be honored at a ceremony.
I'm going to be at his side.

THAT is what I mean by...I want to LIVE.

Anyway...
I've done it before...the first time, I wrote about it in this blog...preparing (mentally) for the trip.
that's sooooooo important.

My husband and I talked about it a lot....

For those of you who've never been to Vegas...there are machines EVERYWHERE...and the guys who design those casinos are very clever...

you walk in the front door...and you have to walk right smack dab thru the middle of the casino to get to the front desk to check in.
while you are checking in...the lights are flashing....machines are singing their tunes...people are cheering as they hit a jackpot...you are in the midst of it all.
you get your room key....
now...to get to the elevator....it is on yet ANOTHER side of the casino....walk right thru the action....again....
these places are big....could be a four or five minute walk....

every time you enter....every time you leave.

so....
before that first trip...I explained to him how bad that is for me...and that I NEVER wanted to make that walk alone....and that I ALWAYS wanted to make it quickly :)

also....all of my recovery friends knew that I was going....I had my phone loaded with phone numbers and several people who were happy to take my phone call at any time of the day or night...for support.

I also looked up the local g.a. meeting schedule.

I don't normally attend g.a....nor did I then...but.... there have been times when a meeting has been helpful....given me strength....so I got the list of meetings...just in case...and sort of even picked one that I planned to attend (never did...didn't need to).

I was fine.
Husband was very supportive.
I didn't stay in Vegas the whole time he was there...quickly flew in and out to attend the function that I needed to attend.

Also...before that trip...I told my husband..that I felt very strong...and I was sure that I'd be fine in Vegas (especially if he were with me...there was no WAY I could gamble, even if I decided to)...but....I was concerned that being there could awaken something in me....and that when I got HOME I might start scheming/planning/gambling.

It didn't happen...but making him aware of that possibility, in advance, when I was still 'sane', seemed like a good idea.

it was.

So I've been to Vegas a few times since then. Each time, I probably prepared less and less (it wasn't nearly as scary...I'd done it successfully before)...and about nine months ago when I was there...it was disturbing.
the machines did sort of call to me.
just a little.
not that I was going to gamble....not then...not even in the near future...but my thinking started changing from 'I'm never going to gamble again' back to.... I could envision possible circumstances in the future....maybe one day....

But I'm still active in recovery...meaning...I read often recovery related materials AND I stay connected with others in recovery (and also with others who still suffer)....and I guess...even tho I haven't been writing the blog regularly...it is still a very strong part of my recovery too.

So when I got home...I talked about those feelings....and regained my sanity :) and went about the business of living my life.

Again, my recovery was strong and gambling was not an option. Not even something I desired to do....not even a little bit. Ever.

So....
back to my story....

The rest of my family was flying home and I was staying for a few more days....then....all alone, I was going to drive six hours to Vegas and fly home.

I booked that trip without even realizing the implications of that.

But when it occurred to me that day....my brain became 'hijacked'....and that is a very good word to use for it..... it was like something or someone else (not the smart, strong woman who sits here today writing this) was in control.

I emailed a friend....explained what was going on.

So over the next few days my friend and I discussed this...and made a plan....
my friend would call me as I arrived in Las Vegas and we would talk until I boarded the plane.

or...
that was my FRIENDS plan....

meanwhile...I was making other plans....
my thinking went something like this.....

there are many casinos along the route into Vegas...I could stop at one of them...but...what if I was unable to leave (has happened so many times)....and I missed my plane? how would I explain that?
or....in any event....I had to not be RUSHING...so that I could take that phone call from my friend and PRETEND that I was OK and that I was GOING to be OK....
so stopping at a casino was a bad idea.
but that was ok...because the airport is full of slot machines.

I could start the drive to Vegas really early.....and arrive at the airport much earlier than I'd planned...and be able to gamble for a while before my friend called.

so I started the drive early.

and for six hours...my mind was racing...about the possibilities.
It wasn't all pure determination to gamble....the voice of reason was still there...
so it was six hours of back and forth....do this, no do that....no...this would work...yes but...

even though the voice of reason was there....and the battle raged...I knew in my heart that I was going to gamble that day.

although I still planned to gamble at the airport....somehow, the smart voice convinced me so stop for a while at McDonalds to kill some time. I got a coffee.

I texted my husband that I was struggling.

We texted back and forth a few times....I told him I'd be OK....a friend was going to phone me.

But I still planned to gamble.

I TOLD my friend that I'd text when I was arriving at the airport....but that wasn't really practical. I had to turn in my rental car...then get my boarding passes...go through security...can't do all of that on the phone.....so I decided to wait until I got to the gate to text.

and as I walked to the gate..there were some machines (they are everywhere really)....that were one of my favorites...in the 'old' days. maybe twenty machines...a few people were playing....and I came so very very close to sitting down....

except...

I was still pretty far away from my gate....and I KNOW myself well enough to know...that I can get lost in it....forget time....and even tho I'm right here at the airport...I could miss my flight if I stop here....

there will be machines right at my gate...best to play there.

why will i play?
if i win a million dollars that would be bad.... I don't want anyone to know I've played....even for a million dollars...
if i win $1200 I will get a tax form....bad
so I don't want to win.
I just want to play.
so I want to lose.
I want to put my money in....losing it all would be fine...or leaving with what I started with would be fine.
so why would I do this?
because I want to play.
no one will ever know...
and it's a one-time thing...it's not like I'm going to return to the cycle...this is a one time opportunity..I won't ordinarily have these circumstances... I will do it this once..then no more.

but...
I was about two months away from my four year anniversary (clean-time)..... which means....
either...
I would have to come here....and tell the world what I'd done (shame...why shame?)....ORRRR
I could let ALL of the people who are going to send me emails and congratulate me on websites BELIEVE I hadn't gambled....
lie.
I couldn't even imagine what THAT shame would feel like.

So I'd have to tell...and I want to lose.

but still...I was going to play.

I arrive at the gate....and decide to talk to my friend...and THEN I will play.

I text.... we talk.

I will tell my friend that it's time to board before it is actually time...then I will play til it's time to board.

My friend's family is sitting down to dinner...."go eat" I say... "I will be fine".

"are you sure?"

"yes, I'm sure"

I am sure I am going to gamble.

we hang up.

I can play.

I am GOING to play.

I want to play so badly.

I have many phone numbers in my cell....friends in recovery.

I call one.

"Are you busy? I need to talk"

and we do....until they call me to board.

I am watching people press the button press the button press the button press the button the whole time we are talking.

and i want to press the button too.

but I talk instead.

and I board the plane.

and I am sad...that I missed the opportunity to gamble.

but I am relieved.
SO SO SO relieved that I made it.....safe and sound...still whole...no shame...no lies.

and it took a few days before my brain REALLY belonged to me again.

and it scares the HELL out of me how that happened...and how powerful it was....... it was the "mental blank spot" that the combo book talks about.....

I'm still going to Vegas in March....but this time....I will be prepared.

Very well prepared.

What other people think of me

Since I've been in recovery I've heard it said that "what other people think about you is none of your business".

Yesterday I said I care a lot less about what other people think of me than I used to.

I don't mean that I can treat people badly because it doesn't matter if they like me or not.

It means.... I will treat them well....because it is who I am.....and whether or not they like me is really of no consequence.

I used to care a whole lot if people didn't like me.

I needed people to like me even when I DIDN'T like them!

the difference is not in how I behave...but how I THINK...

I used to do the RIGHT things for the WRONG reasons.
now I do the RIGHT things for the RIGHT reasons (because it's the right thing to do!)

well

that's the goal anyway :)

Sharing that I'm a CG

When I first sought help for my gambling problem I was full of shame.

I had hurt my family.

I was out of control.

My thinking didn't make any sense (I didn't know any other young mothers who were watching the clock Christmas (every holiday) morning....anxious to go to the casino with the other family members who wanted to gamble.)

I didn't know any other mothers who couldn't go to the grocery store without stopping someplace to play video poker for a few minutes (which sometimes turned into hours).

Even if I wasn't so embarrassed about it...how on earth could I explain this to my friends (the few I still had).

At first, I shared this only with family members.
I had to do that..since many of them gamble...I needed them to know that I would no longer be going and why.

with time, I began sharing it with others...people who care about me....who would continue to care about me even if I had a gambling problem :)

the more people that knew, the safer i was.

but it's more than that.....
harboring a SECRET is painful.....
and keeping a secret makes it SEEM like it's shameful.

so now, it's something that I share freely.

my children didn't know for many years...but now I speak openly to them about it.

I am often surprised at how freely my husband shares this information...even with business associates....

I would think I might be embarrassed to tell someone that my spouse had a gambling problem.

he's not.

I'm not embarrassed about it anymore either.
Time heals I suppose.....

and I guess I care what people think of me a lot less than I used to.

Complete abstinence?

So I've been having lots of conversations with my children (18 and 16 yrs) about alcohol, drugs, addiction in general.

I strongly believe that what is wrong with me is not 'compulsive gambling' or 'gambling addiction' but ADDICTION.

I say that even tho I am not a drug addict or an alcoholic.

I do believe that not all addicts are like me....some people are 'normal' until they get hooked....usually on some highly addictive substance like crystal meth or heroin.

but folks like me.....I believe that there's something about my genetic makeup that makes me more susceptible to becoming dependent on some substance (or activity).

I believe that my children are more susceptible too.

So we've been talking a lot...

One of the things that I've explained to them is why I choose not to gamble at ALL. for ANYTHING.

Now I know that there are compulsive gamblers out there who manage to gamble on this or that (not thier 'drug' of choice) without any real problems....and I believe that's fine if it works for them....but it doesn't work for me.

here's why;

While I have gambled in a variety of ways over the years...my 'love' was slot machines and video poker.

I know that playing a football pool or buying a lottery ticket doesn't 'do it' for me (no instant gratification).... so those things are 'safe' for me to do.

and they really are.

except

I have a brain that wants to be high.

even tho I don't want to gamble...I don't want that life...I really have no desire to gamble at all...

somewhere inside of me...there is a part of me that sort of, kind of, does.


so

if I were to buy scratch off tickets (I am speaking from experience here)... I might be fine.
maybe i would buy them occasionally...no problem

except...that part of my brain that always wants to be high, regardless of what the rest of me wants....

THAT part of me starts saying things like "ok....stay away from slots and video poker...but you could go to the casino and play blackjack...that would be safe just like lotto'

you see where this is heading.

I choose not to do things that give that voice power. any sort of gambling at all does that (for me).

So a big part of staying 'sober' is learning how to be smarter than myself (the part of me that DOESN'T want to be sober).

ANYWAY....

since gambling has caused such awful problems in my life...it is a no-brainer that I've got to do everything in my power to stay clear of that.

but what about alcohol? drugs?

as I said, I haven't 'crossed the invisible line' with anything other than gambling...BUT...

I am very careful with (potentially addictive) medications and alcohol.... because occasionally that 'other' part of my brain will speak to me about these things too.

I'm not going down this road again.

So my teenagers think I'm just an old fogey...they roll their eyes when we have these conversations (ummm when *I* have these conversations)...
but that's OK.

either...none of this applies to them...and they will never understand what I'm talking about (this would be my preference)...
or....
if and when they ever struggle with these things...maybe something I've said about my own experience will be of help to them at that time.

For me, maintaining my freedom from gambling means staying away from ALL forms of gambling.

Life is so much better when we stop gambling.

"Life sure does get better when we stop gambling."

I hear that over and over again from people in recovery.

and they're right.

but does it mean that life is easy?
that we don't have problems?

sheezzz...i wish.

often...when we stop gambling our life is in shambles.
relationships are a mess.
finances are a mess.
mentally-- i was hanging by a thread.

Now, nearly four years on (can I possibly have done that?...not gambled for nearly four years?)... some of my relationships are great.
some are still a mess.

some of that isn't my doing....but things aren't good just the same.

my finances aren't so great, but it isn't due to bad behavior on my part....my husband and I have been very responsible and got everything back in order....but things happen...unexpected expenses arise....so financially we are struggling BUT.... we ARE able to take care of these unexpected events...painful as it is.

No, life is not rosy -- but

is it supposed to be?

there've definately been times in my life when things were going pretty well...but that doesn't seem to be the norm...whether I'm gambling or not.

so while I still suffer from time to time with anxiety, depression, relationship and financial problems....

NONE of those problems are as severe as they were when I was gambling.
I am not sneaking and hiding and lying and full of guilt with that constant chatter in my head that doesn't allow me to rest...ever....

while I DO have problems, there are also moments when I am able to relax...and enjoy myself....times when I can put my problems aside and just BE.

I do that when I'm working...when I'm physically active....I forget about the b.s. and just DO what I'm DOING (gardening, cleaning, etc.)

I do it when I'm in good company...visiting with friends and family...laughing, talking...being in the moment.

I suffer (emotionally) when I am idle...alone...with time to worry.
but it's nothing like what was happening inside of me when i was gambling.
well...WHILE i was gambling I was fine.
it was AFTER gambling that the mind chatter started.

I wonder how many folks relapse because they are under the impression that if they stop gambling life will be wonderful.
wonder why anyone would think that...I mean...life wasn't wonderful BEFORE I started gambling.

Recovery, for me, includes learning to deal with life, whatever it throws at me.

and while life still isn't EASY...it certainly is BETTER now that I'm not gambling..
at least I'm not ADDING to my problems by gambling....
and frankly....while I'm active...tho I BELIEVE that it is fun or that I love it and/or need it.... all gambling really does is add to my problems.

so yeah...even with all of the pain...Life is still better now that I'm not gambling.

Families of Compulsive Gamblers

When I first started writing this blog I sort of expected to take some heat for it.

I wasn't sure how I was going to deal with it (emotionally) because I was pretty fragile...and I've always been sensitive to criticism of any kind.

But there's a lot of people in 12 step programs that believe if a person isn't working the steps and attending meetings and blah blah blah, that they don't have any sort of 'real' recovery....and it's inevitable that you'll relapse (most of the people who work the steps and attend meetings also relapse)...anyway....I sort of anticipated that some of those folks would disagree loudly.

To my surprise, I have never gotten the backlash I expected.

But one day last week someone did leave an anonymous comment on one of my blog entries...it was an old entry....and to save you the trouble of searching for the comment, (and since it was posted publicly) I'll re-post it here...

The comment was made on my post entitled "Rushing/Worrying": "then why don't you worry about the money you spend on those casino machines and the money you won't have when youu need to put in gas to take your kid to school again so you can get all pissed off and spend more money you need . "

My initial response was to recoil.
I'm being reprimanded.
I don't like to get in trouble...I don't like to disappoint.

but that reaction only lasted for a few seconds....and I read the comment again....and again.

This person knows me....
but this person knows me in an entirely different way than most of you do.
this person has obviously been on the OTHER side of someone's gambling addiction.

I've heard from family members of gamblers in the past...people who are hurting or have been hurt by gamblers....but in the past, those people find me....and wonder how THEIR loved one can be 'ok'.....

this person is angry.

my heart breaks for them. "the money you won't have when you need to put gas in to take your kid to school".

It must be difficult to love us.

Especially because in many cases we are very lovable people when we aren't in action.... but at any time we can turn into someone you don't know and destroy your world...spend your grocery money...or the mortgage...or your retirement fund...everything you have.

Funny that I've been thinking about this blog entry for a few days, and just this morning I received an email from a friend who said "I have been reading the wrong stuff. Reading about gamblers and their self obsessed life has helped but now what is eye opening to me is reading about families of gamblers and their experiences. Sons, daughters and wives of gamblers. The damage done to relationships. The pain we cause. Well I don't have to be like that. I can step out of it. I can do this now."

Yes.
You can.


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Note to the person who sent me an email last night.....

Is it possible that you could go to yahoo or hotmail or google mail and set up an email account that no one would know about, so it would be private and we could correspond?

But first....(and I mean this literally)...take a deep breath.
really. stop reading for a minute, close your eyes and take a long deep breath.

I will send you my cell number if you'd like to speak, and/or if you could set up an email account we could write....
or....I could write to you here, like this, if it works for you..... 'the world' won't know who you are, but they will 'hear' everything I say to you.

whatever you're comfortable with.
hugs

Coping

I know that I owe some of you responses to emails.
I'm sorry I haven't already done it...and I do appreciate your support.

It's partly because I'm just so dI\*mn busy living....
stsill...I tend to neglect friends and family when I'm too busy or tired...something I need to look at.

The truth is I have been wanting to blog...needing it even....but a lot of what is going on in my life right now isn't just about ME... I don't think it's appropriate of me to discuss it with the world since it aaffects other people.....so I haven't been writing at all.

I should maybe start journalling on paper...for my own benefit.

Anyway...I've been searching again.

Isn't it something that it's what I do when I'm in (emotional) pain?

Well...not always...
I used to hide in my addiction.

You know...when I first started on this spiritual journey...it was out of fear and it was in search of some sort of god.
I was sort of convinced that it was necessary to believe...... I mean.... the only people I knew of who had broken free of addiction said that the only way I could do it was through a higher power.

I wasn't sure if that was right.
But I knew that I had been trying to stop on my own and I couldn't.
I just couldn't.
well...that isn't really true.
I coult stop,
I just wasn't very successful at STAYING stopped.

not when bad shit happened in my life.

so I started searching...
and changing things (character defects?)

not because my defects caused me to be 'bad' (active in addiction).
I really don't think my addiction is due to bad behavior or moral
BUT
if I am doing things like being HONEST...and doing the next right thing...it's almost impossible to become wrapped up in addiction again. i really don't think one can be honest and engage in addictive behaviors.
at least....not honest wsith one's self.

so where was I?

OK- searching spiritually....changing character defects...and

finding new coping skills...
when life falls apart (and it will)
having new and different (better) ways of dealing with...well...suffering.

I could list some of the coping skills that I've 'gathered'....
-staying connected to others in recovery is a big help...and reaching out to them when I'm struggling with life...they get me (us) like 'normal' people don't. other cg's help me immeasurably.
-educating myself
-learning to relax
-practicing awareness
-recognizing my 'addictive voice'

Those are the primary ones anyway.

But I just realized something else...

I said....some of the things that I've done is:

spiritual searching
working on character defects
develop new coping skills

I've been thinking...that one of the 'coping skills' that I now use is 'spiritual searching'.

I mean....in the past....I end up in emotional pain I gamble...and when my world is falling apart and Im trying to pull it all back together, I 'seek spiritually'.

Presently....I've just skipped the gambling part.

My spiritual quest is different than it was in those early days when I was 'looking for god'.

and even later...when I was trying to figure out who I was...and what it's (life) all about.

now.....it's about finding ways to be at peace.

to remain calm on the inside when the outsside is wacked.

I was introduced to some spiritual material in 2002 (my first real attempt at quitting)...and it was awesome..this 'information'.....and I have used it.....but ass time goes on, I think about and practice these techniques lesss and less.....and then I end up in pain (because that is life)...and I turn back to it.
not necesarily to the same material (CD's this happens to be)....

sometimes books...different authors..

the more I listen...the more I UNDERSTAND....it is so clear that they are all saying the same things.

I get very excited about this stuff when I'm actively pursuing it.
It energizes me.
I wonder why I keep having to 'return' to it? i.e. why do I ever walk away?

more later....soon.

How relapse happens...

well I'm sure there are many ways.....
this is only one.

I've been really really busy.
Teen boys....building a home...
the new home is ready now, but it's an hour away...with the end of school only eight weeks away, we are at the old house on school nights and the new house on weekends....
so I'm maintaing two homes.
Our financial situation has changed....we need to sell the old home asap....it needs work...but we'll have to do the work ourselves.
oh yeah...and working, cooking, laundry, blah blah blah.

busy.

these past few years the one thing that I have continued to do faithfully is read posts at safe harbor...but in recent weeks I haven't been doing that either.
no time....
or..when I *DO* have some time...I'm pooped and opt to do NOTHING.

soooooooo

my husband received four tickets to a NASCAR race in Las Vegas last weekend...complete with passes to Hospitality Village...and a sponsors tent. blah blah blah

Vegas.
Again.

I can do it.
I know this, I've done it before, several times.
Besides, gambling is no longer an option for me.... I know what the life I want looks like and gambling is not a part of it ---because when I gamble...it becomes my WHOLE life....gambling could never be a 'part' of my life...I know this.
I know lots about addiction.
I know lots about me.
I'm good.

Before we left my husband asked "are you going to be ok?"

I appreciate that.
I'm glad that he knows enough to ask...to be concerned.
I told him I'd be fine in Vegas....he would be WITH me...the danger for me is AFTER the trip...the danger is that being there will make me want it again...and I will act on that when I have the opportunity.

Telling him when I'm in danger helps to keep me safe.

Although....thinking about it now...he hasn't asked me how I'm doing since we've been home. hmmmm

anyway
we go.

If you've ever been to Vegas, you know that there is sophisticated planning (I think) to target people EXACTLY like me...

you enter the place and find yourself smack dab in the middle of flashing lights and ringing bells...and you have to walk to the OTHER side of the casino to check into the hotel.

then you have to walk to the elevator...on ANOTHER side of the casino....
the doors, the restaurants, the coffee shop, no matter where you are and where you want to go, you have to walk through the middle of the casino to get there.

no problem...done it before.

the first morning my husband went down to get us coffee while I was still getting ready.
the next morning I got up early....so *I* was going to go down.
I didn't have any urges.....
but I know that I have to protect myself....
so before I left the room I texted him to tell him I was going down for coffee and would be right back...and I did and I was.

to be clear lol we were in separate rooms becuse we took my son and his girlfriend....husband stayed with son...I stayed with the girlfriend.

ANYWAY

we went...we enjoyed ourselves....I did not gamble...all is well.

but something happened inside of me.

a change.

a week ago I was certain that I would never gamble again.
Ever.
No matter what.

I'm not in danger right now.
I'm not going to gamble....today.

but my thinking has changed...

when I was walking through the casino... it really didn't look so bad....
I didn't WANT it.
but I sort of decided that I may do it again someday....

crazy, huh?

I mean... the logical intelligent part of me knows that's insane....as a friend said to me "that's like saying life is good now but one day I'm going to kill myself".

I know.

the good thing is...I know what I have to do to be safe.....and to get back to rational thinking...AND...I still WANT to be safe.

that's the key.

see....sometimes...we get to a place where we know what we SHOULD do....we may even WANT to do it....but not as much as we want to gamble.

I'm not there yet..... and I'm gonna do what I need to do to be ok...

I know that 'one day at a time'...the present....right now...is the only thing that really matters...but for ME.... it's important that the door remain closed....that gambling is not an option...now or in the future....

it just can't be a part of my life.

period.